My Marketing Campaign

Oh my god, like I probably don't need to tell you this cuz the ads are everywhere, but like my new publicist totally hit the ball out of the park and I'm completely stoked. Like oh my god. So like I just signed a deal to be the signature model for a perfume company. I totally didn't see it coming, but like it totally did come. And it hasn't gone yet, either, so like I know it isn't a dream. Or if it is a dream, then I am still asleep, so like I'll celebrate really quietly. yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Okay, so like I am not the spokesaardvark for a hot brand like Dior or CK or Lancome, but like whatever. I got the gig. The marketers took one look at me and decided to build the entire campaign around me. I don't think the marketers were American and that probably helped. They kept giving me all these dubious compliments like "You have legs like a cow" and "Your eyes are big like dinner plates." I'm like 90% sure that these were intended as compliments, but a less self-assured aardvark would be like all flipped out or something. Like it is totally conceivable that I misunderstood them cuz like their accents were pretty thick. So he might have said my eyes were big like "sinner gates," which I guess would be high to keep the bad people out of Heaven. Or perhaps he said "winner fetes," which would have to be awesome because losers throw lame parties cuz like who wants to celebrate a loss?

Anyways, the point is that I am now a gainfully employed model. They even named the perfume after me, "Essence de Aardvark." Isn't that like the best name for a fragrance you ever heard? And then they came up with all types of great slogans for the ad campaign promoting my perfume. Oh my god. That might have been the best sentence I ever wrote, so like I'll type it again just to seize the moment. "They came up with great slogans for the ad campaign promoting my perfume." Isn't that bliss?

And since noone has ever heard of the company, they decided to spend a lot on high profile advertising. Here is a billboard on Broadway ...



Isn't that totally awesome! Who would have thought that my face would end up on Broadway! And isn't that slogan boss? "Why Feel like an Ant?" It's so true. I came up with that one. Originally, it was going to be, "Why be the ant, when you can be the aardvark," but like that didn't fit on a billboard. So we shortened. I think the average New Yorker will be able to figure it out. I mean they have to have ants in the Big Appler, right?

And here is the coup de grace!



My face is towering over Times Square. And it isn't even the old and sleezy Times Square. I'm like totally ruling over the new, corporate sellout Times Square. I'm like sky high. And the slogan is totally me, but I didn't come up with this one. "All Attitude and No Apologies." Who wouldn't want to smell like attitude? So much better than smelling like apology. I'm not even sure what that means, but I bet there is an unpasteurized European cheese that approximates the smell of apology at room temperature and that is just gross.

This is totally the break I needed. Like the perfume might reak, but I couldn't possibly care less. These guys are keeping me in fancy clothes and getting my face out there. Every billboard for the perfume is also a billboard for me. They are paying me for the honor of advertising me. It's a totally sweet deal.

You know, I was feeling a little sorry about firing my old publicist, but like it was totally the right thing to do. He just wasn't getting me the level of exposure that I needed. But like my new publicist scored major points here, so I made the right decision and I'm not going feel sorry for what I did.

Buffy ... All Attitude and No Apologies

the other slogan would work for a sign off, too

Buffy ... Why Feel like an Ant?