Tuesday, April 19, 2005

All that is Furry is not Bear Friendly

Over the millennia, canines and other animals evolved to please humans. Canines look friendly and happy to see people. They are also easily trained to perform useful tasks. Once canines were domesticated, selective breeding sped up the degree to which dogs satisfied human aesthetic and functional desires. Not surprisingly, when humans design teddy bears, we frequently resemble dogs. We are furry, we smile, and we are always happy to see our owners. Thankfully, bears are not cursed with bad odor, misbehavior, and general high maintenance requirements of house pets. Thus, teddy bears are in most every respect, superior to house pets.

However, house pets still pose grave danger to teddy bears. Do not be fooled by their warm eyes, friendly smile, and furry coats. They are polyester ripping machines bent on rending teddy bears limb from limb, whose sole pleasure is to sadistically torture innocent teddy bears. I suppose dogs also enjoy chasing after sticks, rooting around for decaying animal matter, and licking body parts, but none of those activities involve teddy bears. Dogs do not seek to play chess with teddy bears. Dogs do not form Aristotle reading groups with teddy bears. Teddy bears only represent a munching bag to dogs.
The danger of house pets for teddy bears
Dogs are Dangerous
Canine teeth may not be razor sharp, yet the side-to-side motion is remarkably effective at tearing even double stitched joints. Dogs are also slobbery and prone to rug staining events. Paws are also a source of mud and potential tears.

Associating with young children is an occupational hazard for a teddy bear, but house pets are an unnecessary danger. The secret to longevity is to avoid interactions with domesticated animals whenever possible.


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