Monday, April 04, 2005

Ocean's Eleven

Like, since it looks like Brad and Jennifer might be split up for good, I decided to remind myself of how good Brad Pitt looks. So I watched Ocean's Eleven last night. Oh my god, Brad and George look totally hot. Sizzling. Like I almost passed out from the heat coming from the screen. George might be a little old for me, but I can like still admire the merchandise, alright?

I really admire the writers of Ocean's Eleven because like they knew what was important to the movie and what wasn't.

Important: George and Brad looking good. When Matt Damon is ugliest person on the screen, you have to be doing something right. Of course, I think he looks like the pasty psychopath next door, but someone must think he's cute. I mean, why else would they keep putting him in movies?

Not Important: Dialogue. Like all it could do is distract from how hot my guys look. Any time I spend thinking about what they are saying is time I am not thinking about how good they look. But you want them like saying something, so I can see their lips move. Then I can imagine them saying smart things like, "Buffy, you are the most beautiful aardvark I have ever laid eyes on."

Important: Clothing. Brad's outfits are edgy and hip. George goes for a more classic style. But the guy with the coolest clothing is Andy Garcia. I always thought that Andy Garcia was kinda hot, but he like totally blossoms into aardvark mind melting hotness in Ocean's Eleven. His character was a cold hearted jerk, but that like only emphasized his good looks.

Not Important: Plot. I suppose you don't want the guys just standing around looking bored or stupid or stupid AND bored, but the plot should be simple enough that I don't need to think about it. Brad and George want to rob a casino -- that is plot enough for this aardvark. As long as they have some costume changes while robbing the casino, I'm okay with it.

The problem was that they didn't stop there with the plot. Aardvarks are good at digging holes (which is why African farmers all hate us and stuff), but the holes in this plot like jump out at you. For instance, what's the deal with tapping the phones? How screwed up are the phone lines in the Bellagio? Is there only one for the entire casino and the hotel? How did they know which one to tap? When did they tap it? Did the bad guys never notice that the phone line in their observation room went to some geek in a truck parked outside the casino? How did the geek in the truck filter out the hundreds of calls that must have been coming out of the casino at that point? I mean, there was just a riot in the boxing ring and chaos on the gaming floor. I'm sure some of the patrons wanted to call home and tell friends what an awesome day it was. I mean, how often do you get to see a riot in a casino? I wouldn't want to be there because I might get trampled and stuff, but it would be way cool to see it on tape or something.

At any rate, the movie mechanics were bad, but my guys were hot and that is all that I care about. I mean, if I wanted a movie with a plot and dialogue, I would have rented something with subtitles or Clueless or something. Like, I just wanted to see Brad and George hang out while wearing fashionable clothing and that is what Ocean's Eleven gave me.

By the way, Wagsy wanted me to post this update on the progress of our silk sheets. I think silk sheets will be good for my modeling career. Both Marilyn and Madonna posed against silk sheets at some point in their careers, and they turned out all right. Okay, Marilyn Monroe overdosed on drugs and that would suck. But like I think like I can pretty avoid the whole drug thing, because I don't even drink soda, so cocaine would be like way ridiculous. I don't understand the whole drug snorting thing. I mean like, being an aardvark, I take what I put up my snout very seriously. Ants and termites are supposed to go up there. Like, there's like no room for powders. So disgusting.



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