Friday, February 11, 2005

Announcing my Intentions

So, like, I'm going to say this upfront, so you don't like get the wrong idea or something, but I'm totally not a home wrecker. I think the institution of marriage is way sacred. As soon as I find someone who is half as interesting as I am and recognizes me for the goddess that I am, I'll totally get married.

So, with that out of the way, I'm totally gunning for Brad Pitt. I mean, it's TOTALLY tragic that he and Jenn are separated, but like he's fair game now and the early aardvark gets the hunky superstar. I figure I should make a big public push to catch Brad's attention and like scare off the competition. Cause who would want to waste their time and stuff?

I know some of you are sitting there thinking to yourself, "Buffy, like you could have any guy you wanted. Why Brad?" Hello! He's like totally hot! I mean did you SEE him in Troy. And there was a LOT of him to see in Troy. There were some other hot guys in Troy, but Brad stood out as the hottest.

And, you know, he might help my quest for stardom. I mean the blog is fine and I have my own line of clothes and stuff, but like my publicist is totally not doing his job. I haven't appeared once in Us Weekly. Brad appears in like every issue. And like if we were together, I'm sure the public would be clamoring for more of me.

So what would I bring to the relationship? Duh! I would bring my sassy attitude and fashion sense. Have you seen some of the dumpy clothes Jenn has let him wear. They aren't aardvark fabulous, armadillo fabulous, or even fabulous at all. It's like he rolled out of bed and fell into a pile of naugahyde. He'd look way better in a tight fitting t-shirt with my face on it.

And, I could revitalize Brad's career. I mean, has Brad been in anything good this century? Okay, I liked Troy and Ocean's Eleven (oh my god, George Clooney and Brad Pitt in a movie together? *swoon*), but they weren't exactly art films. Brad is a very talented actor and always looking to push his boundaries. He's played Death, a monk, a terrorist, an insane dude, a stoner, and a thief (like he doesn't always steal my heart). It's like he's an everyman only he isn't because he's like totally hot. Anyway, a love story about a man and a gorgeous aardvark is not a typical Hollywood film and I think it would help audiences see Brad in a new light.

So, like maybe I should be worried about dating a divorcee and stuff, but really I'm not. Don't get me wrong; I really like Jenn and all. I thought she was amazing in Friends and I totally respect her decision not to have plastic surgery and stay true to herself and she seems really sweet and all, but I'm way better than her and her loss is my gain. I mean, who would leave me? To know me is to love me. When it comes down to it, Jenn was kind of plain. She doesn't have a big snout or unruly hair or even a tail. And like she thinks she's thin and watches her weight, but she couldn't last a day on my diet. I like eat termites and ants, which maintains my figure and makes me a cheap date.

The question isn't am I ready for Brad. The question is, like, is Brad (and the world) ready for Buffy?


Post a Comment

<< Home