Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Coachin' Couch Sittin'

Hi there. Goofball here. Don't know why I emphasized the distance between the reader and me, the author. Odd way to start a post, huh? Normally, I like my readers to feel like a big old family, but for some reason I subconsciously felt the need to highlight the wall between author and reader. Maybe it is because I have been doing a lot of spectating recently. Usually the Goofball is an active and engaged spectator, but recently I have been kinda sitting on my soft be-hind just watching the world go by.

Some of it has to do with what has been on television lately. For instance, I spent all weekend watching the NFL draft with Ozzie. Now you'd think the NFL draft would be gripping television. Multimillion dollar corporations are bidding over the rights to people. You also get to watch beefy young men celebrate becoming millionaires. It also concerns the best part of sports, the dream that your team might be better next season. So if a program combines the drama of a slave auction, lottery winning, football, and the hope of true fans, how could I now be thoroughly engrossed in the programming? I'll tell you how: make the first round of the draft take six hours long, that's how. Talk about a snooze fest. I never thought I'd tell Ozzie, "Change the channel to golf, because football stinks," but that is exactly what I did. Ozzie didn't care, he just sat there coding data ignoring my pain and the insipid ramblings of the commentators. So I sat there bored and nothing better to do than compose haikus:

The NFL draft
should not cause my eyes to glaze
Give me the remote

I've also been observing all the training that the young bears have been given. I'm just a baby bear myself, so I don't have a lot to contribute to the discussion to be honest. Part of me wishes that I had received such training. I mean I've never seen Wagsy spill buttermilk on the floor. I would have paid good money to see that. And part of me thinks all this training is nonsense. I mean, you just gotta be yourself and dance to the rhythm that's played. Being a charming and cuddly super bear, like myself, is just something that comes naturally or it doesn't.

At any rate, I figured if Bear and Pi were gonna have their heads filled with nonsense, it might as well be my nonsense. So I took them aside for some useful lessons. Couch sittin' is one of the most important parts of the day for a bear. It might seem easy, but there are tricks of the trade I can pass onto the all newer fibers.

Coachin' Couch Sittin'

For starters, you gotta make yourself comfortable. That means wriggling your behind into the faux suede. Some bears just jump onto the couch, but they aren't savoring the experience. It is all about becoming one with the couch.

Second, you have to control the remote. If you don't control the remote, you might be subjected to programming like Bass Masters or golf or the NFL draft. And you have to be careful, many households have more than one remote. Better to grab all of them, because you don't know what device people might be usin'. You'll notice in the picture above, I'm holdin' both the remote to the TV and the VCR/DVD combo. You can't be too prepared.

Finally, you need company. Watching TV alone is the sign of a problem. No one can appreciate your wry observations when you're by yourself. In a group, it is a witty retort. By yourself, you're just talking to yourself and that ain't healthy. People say that TV is a passive medium, but it doesn't have to be. The Goofball is almost always thinking about what he's watching.

Drop those coconuts!
Skipper needs to shut his yap.
Ginger ain't that hot.

It ain't just spectating. It is spectating AND spectulating. Now that is a lesson that a young bear needs to know.


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