Sunday, April 24, 2005

Viscous Liquids Training

Um ... hello. I was put in charge of training Bear and Pi about dealing with dangerous baby juices. Um ... I'm not quite sure how I got that particular job. I was busy napping and I woke up on the kitchen floor with a set of instructions. Shanghaied by my own friends! Ooh! At least I didn't wake up with a tattoo or smelling of cigarette smoke or in the Navy or all of the above. I think I would look pretty cute in a sailors outfit, but ships don't seem very clean.

Um ... anyways, so I found myself on the kitchen floor and the instruction sheet said to teach Bear and Pi self-preservation skills around babies. Really, I don't know how I got this job. I try to avoid babies whenever possible. Ooh ... just thinking about children makes my fur tingle. Very scary. I had to be properly equipped for the job, so I put on my "Lobster is my friend" t-shirt. I like the shirt because it is true, lobby is my friend. He's very friendly. I think he likes everyone, but that only makes the t-shirt more useful because so many people could wear it. But right then, I was happy about the t-shirt because it might protect me from viscous liquids.

I also needed to find appropriate head gear for my hazardous assignment.

Too Small
Um ... too small.

Too big
Ooh! Too big.

Right size, but the holes are worrisome
Size is okay, but, um ... the holes are worrisome.

Just right and ready for action
Just right and I'm ready to Rock and Roll.

Um ... so now that I had the proper equipment for the job, it was time to pick a stand-in for baby juices. The kitchen is full of potentially staining liquids. I'm a coward, so it couldn't stain a bear too easily. And I wanted to be a good teacher, so I had to find a liquid that would accurately mimic the foul liquids that babies can produce. I finally decided on buttermilk. It is white, like me, and sticky kinda like ... um ... kinda like babies in general.

So I called for Bear and Pi to teach a simple lesson: Run. Run like the wind. Run as fast as your furry legs will carry you. Cowardice preserves the polyester.

Here at the testing range
Don't try this at home kids. Your parents won't be happy.

Hardous materials on the floor!
Be careful! Baby juices on the floor!

Roll away from the danger
Roll away from the danger as quickly as possible.

Get to Safety as Fast as Possible

Hide in a safe place until the liquid mess has been cleaned up.

The most fascinating thing is that before I could give Bear and Pi any instructions, they had already rolled away from the danger and hid behind me. Such smart bears. Um ... if such behavior is instinctive, I don't know why I had to put myself in danger in the kitchen. Um ... guys, why did I have to do this? Um ... hello?


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