Who the heck is Oscar anyway?

Goofball here. I watched a bit of the Oscars Sunday night. To be honest, I was bored and kept flipping around to other stations or kind of zoning out and staring at the ceiling, waiting for the commercials. You'd think that a program with a lot of sexy women all dolled-up would appeal to me (and I thought soo, too, which is why I tuned in), but talk about a snooze-fest. There weren't even any bad dresses -- where's Bjork when you need her? Here are my thoughts about the Oscars in no particular order:

What did they do to Chris Rock? I felt like Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes when he finds his fellow astronaut. "You've chopped his brain out! You mad men!" The closest he got to being funny was the firing George Bush spiel. But Goofball could make that joke in his sleep: "Notre Dame wouldn't renew Ozzie's contract if his research account was $9 billion in the red and he physically assaulted a methodologist for suggesting experiments were a biased means of inference -- only the dude made no such claim." See, I don't even know what I'm talking about and I can make the joke. Paint by numbers, baby.

So Hilary Swank is up against: a cute woman speaking in subtitles; an old lady; Annette Bening straining to maintain a consistent accent; and, the gorgeous Kate Winslet in a blah role. Hilary Swank's role? A plucky, uneducated female boxer with a can-do attitude and a tear jerking ending. Who do you think will win? Could it be the woman who has won the award in about eight other ceremonies already? Hard to believe. Now Hilary Swank has two Oscars. Anyone watching her play Carly Reynolds at the end of 90210 in 1997 would be shocked at this turn of events. Shocked! Do you think Jason Priestly and Luke Perry feel a little like Peter Scolari right now? Maybe they should form a support group or something. Art Garfunkel could moderate it. [I don't think the bears will be bitter when Buffy makes it big -- we'll just be proud and shout "That's my aardvark! Bears in the bed! We knew her back when!"]

Sean Penn has no sense of humor, but I guess that was obvious when he married Madonna and then objected to media exposure -- that woman's career is all about exposure. Goofball would never beat up a photographer. How else would people know how cute I am?

About the only good thing I can say about the evening was that I got to sit on the couch and watch commercials. Really, it is hard to spoil an evening where the feature presentation is couch sitting and commercial watching. But the Oscars tried. Oh, did they try. "I would like to spank the Academy." Maybe not, but "spank" rhymes with "thank," so there you go. Paint by numbers, baby.