Monday, May 02, 2005

Mirrors, Grooming and looking Aardvark Fabulous

Like grooming is a totally important lesson for a young bear. I'm not being shallow either. Small children are easily distracted by the most bizarre things. Like mobiles? Hello! The planes are like just going around in a circle. Talk about tedium. And if you grab the mobile, it falls on you and gets all tangled up and stuff. And still, small children sit there and stare at the things. Please.

So like first impressions are way important, and you need to grab the child's attention from the get go. If you don't instantly steal the child's heart, like it might not happen. Some of it is luck, you might get a bummer of a kid, but there are parts that you can control. It's all about salesmanship. You have to make yourself look good. Your fur should look sleak and soft and ... well ... furry, ya know? Your ears should be up enough to look like you are a good listener for the child. Your head should be cocked in that way that says, "I'm totally feeling you and understand what is going on." Small children like that. Most people don't pay much attention to the feelings of small children and a bear can fill that niche. I mean like people might ooh and aah over their goings on and they might feed them, but someone needs to hear their inner-most thoughts and explore the joy of teething on blocks and picking dandelions. Is it any accident that Calvin's friend is a hunky looking stuffed tiger? I think not.

But you can't sell what you don't have (unless you're one of those lame-o's at Enron or something). You have to bring the goods. Like it is a good thing that I totally have what it takes. From snout to tail, I'm sizzling. Luckily, both Bear and Pi are pretty cute. If I weren't so much older, I'd totally take them to the couch and watch Sesame Street with them. They both have that bow tie thing going on that looks totally dorky for old bald men on television, but completely works for a teddy bear. They're like way soft and have bright shiny eyes. The children will be all over Bear and Pi. But still, the prepared aardvark gets the ants, so let's get these two in front of a mirror and go over some basics.

Grooming is important Like you can see both sides of my beautiful face in this picture. I'm not two faced or anything, but there is more than one side to this aardvark.
It's you in the mirror, but it's not you Like paparazzi follows me everywhere. You can see a bunny spying and taking pictures of me in the background of this picture.

Mirrors can be complicated and took a little explaining. Pi seemed unimpressed and thought his relatives from Toys 'R Us came by to visit or something. I had to explain that Pi was actually seeing himself in the mirror. Like this is a HUGE problem for a new bear, cuz like we're mass produced, because when you're hanging out in the factory, or on the boat from Asia, or in the store, you see a lot of people who look like you. So like confronting someone who looks just like you is like totally natural. Part of looking fabulous is knowing who you are and carving out your own identity. There might be another aardvark out there that looks as good as I do, but I doubt she would have my sassiness and spark. It's all about attitude and I have aardvark attitude to spare.

Once I explained that Bear and Pi were seeing themselves, Bear wondered how he could be sitting on the carpet and in the mirror at the same time. So like I had to explain that like it was you, but not you. Like it's a reflection of you, but not the genuine thing. I suppose your actions are reflections of you too, but it's like totally different. I mean Mother Theresa's actions said she was a totally beautiful saint, but her mirror said ... like ... like not to be mean or anything, but no one was going to put her on a runway in New York or Paris or Milan even. But the mirror shows how you look and it does what you do. So like if you comb your tail, the aardvark in the mirror combs its tail.

Pi then pointed out that like I used my right paw for brushing my tail and the aardvark in the mirror was using its left paw. I was kinda stumped on this one, because he had a point. It was like the bizarro Buffy in the mirror. My nose curves to the right and its nose curves to the left. It was like ... it was like ... a mirror-image of myself.


Oh my god, I feel like totally stupid.


Like how do you edit posts, cuz like this isn't cool. I mean, I don't like want my public to think I'm a total airhead or something. I care about issues. I'm informed about totally important issues like Darfur (like it's totally sad and disgusting and I feel badly for the Darfurrians and wish someone would do something about it). I read like way smart books. The last book I read was Freakonomics. Admittedly, I read it sorta by accident. Like I thought it would be about how to go to fancy clubs and party on a budget and stuff, but it turned out to be a totally fascinating look at like, well, a lot of things. I wonder if people will start using Buffy as an aspirational name for their children.

Like the point is, I don't want people to think I'm stupid just because I forgot the phrase "mirror-image." Like I'm dazzled by my own beauty in the mirror sometimes and sort of get hypnotized. What if they think I'm a bimbo like Jessica Simpson. I mean that Chicken of the Sea gaffe was played all over the place and gets mentioned in US Weekly at least once a month. That would ...

okay, so like that wouldn't be so bad. At this point in my career any pub is good pub. Bring it on.

Class dismissed.


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