Sunday, November 20, 2005

Vegetative State: Part II

So like this time, I'm just going to start with the review, so I don't get sidetracked again.

Okay, like right off the bat, I'm a little suspicious of movies where the same person writes, directs, and stars. I mean, could anything scream "Look at ME!" louder? I doubt it. The whole movie is one big ego trip for Zach Braff. Come on, he named his character Andrew Largeman and like everyone in the whole movie calls him Large. Please. Is someone feeling a little insecure about getting a star on the sidewalk? It's like he is saying, "I'm a big star. Honest. People watch Scrubs and care about it. They really do. I'm huge!" Desperation is not cool.

So let's get to the important thing, do the guys look hot in this movie? And the aardvark says ... "Oh my god, no!" Zach Braff is the only halfway decent looking guy in the whole movie. It's like he felt insecure about his looks, so he cast only ugly people in hopes of making himself look better. And not only do the actors look appallingly normal, but they are dressed like thrift store mannequins who don't have access to a washing machine. Or a shower. So I guess we're supposed to focus on Zach Braff, well, let's give the baby his bottle and focus only on him. How does he look? I sup-pose he looks o-kaay, but like he can't carry a whole movie. He actually looks like Keanu Reeves less attractive cousin or something. Keanu would have totally made the movie more entertaining. I kept waiting for Largeman to yell, "Dude, I totally lost Bill. I gotta find him or Rufus is going to be pissed." And "that Frude Dude" would have totally fit into Garden State's psychiatrist theme. When find yourself wishing that Keanu Reeves was starring in a movie, then you know you're in for a long two hours.

So if kids aren't into the movies for the star, maybe it is something about the plot. Like if that is the case, our country is in a lot of trouble. The movie begins with Largeman (don't forget, Braff is a BIG star) lying in bed listening to his father leave a message on the answering machine about his paraplegic mother drowning herself in the bathtub. It's a heavy way to begin a movie, but like it could be good. It should give the rest of the movie some emotional weight, right? Wrong. I mean when the whole point of the main character is that he can't feel anything, then why is an aardvark supposed to care either? So instead of spending time with relatives or talking to his father, Largeman (BIG star) goes to crazy parties with his loser friends from high school.

And what is up with his high school? Largeman lives in a HUGE expensive house. I mean the bathroom must have run them a cool 80g's. The party he goes to has fashionably dressed women snorting lines off pilate firmed abs (it's so disgusting). But then, like most of his friends are working class stiffs who live in houses that the housing authority would pay you to tear down. As if. The point of moving to a suburb in New Jersey is so that your son doesn't go to school with people like that.

But then Mr. Big Star Braff meets Princess Leia's mom, and I guess they are supposed to fall in love or something. Oh my god, Natalie Portman was annoying and ugly looking. I'm betting that Jar-Jar Binks sells more action figures and posters than Padme and her royalties are drying up, cause Natalie acts in Garden State like she is channelling Jar-Jar. Like I can't tell you how annoying this character was. I guess we're supposed to think, "She's the first person who made that large man feel any emotion," but like the only emotion that Princess Leia's mom is capable of generating in this movie is annoyance. Part of it is the script and part of it is that when Natalie went to Harvard her head got filled up with so much other stuff that she forgot how to act.

The script is beyond bad. I almost snarfed when the weird hippy dude said "Good luck exploring your infinite abyss." I mean, it is bad enough that you have a boat sitting in a large quarry next to big houses in New Jersey with antique dealers living in it, but then using the phrase "infinite abyss" four times in two minutes was just too much. And in case you didn't pick up on it, "Hey! The main character also has an infinite abyss. Life feels empty and he is struggling with that. Understand?!" Please. The dialogue is awful throughout the movie. I'm not sure how Braff managed, but the characters are both inarticulate and heavy-handed throughout the entire movie. I wanted to hand each character a copy of Strunk & White, while hitting them on the head with a shovel. Who knew that I would long for Dawson and his overwrought prose.

So like the movie stars ugly and poorly dressed people, totally doinks on the whole high school experience thing, has a lame love story, and is boring. Why do kids like it? What is left? Like, I'm a little scared to say this, but I think kids like it because of the polemic. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah, there is like this constant drumbeat saying "Ritalin and Lithium and Paxil and Zoloft are bad." They explain why our main character is always numb and acts like a telephone pole. And what is the solution to all these problems associated with prescription drugs? Stop taking them. I'm totally serous. The key to a happy life is to just stop taking your prescribed medications. I, for one, am completely appalled. And a little bit scared. I mean how screwed up is this generation of kids if THIS is the movie that they respond to?

And more importantly, how is a clean-living gorgeous aardvark supposed to become a superstar?


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