Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Dear Goofball

Goofball here. I've been letting the ol' inbox gather dust and now I'm up to my armpits in unreplied mail. I reckon that now is as good as time as any to rectify matters and issue replies.

Dear Goofball,

I think you're awfully cute. Were you born that cute or did you grow into it like Harrison Ford or Sean Connery?

Love, Bear Babe

Yeah, I started off with a softball letter. Who can blame a bear for wanting share a letter from an admirer? Don't worry, I'll get to tougher letters later on. But to answer the young lady's question, I was born this cute. I'd like to think that I'll grow cuter over time, but bears don't usually age well. Our fur gets matted down or torn out altogether. Our stuffin' starts to sag and our postures gets worse. Come to think of it, we all begin to look more like Ozzie. Zing! Onto the next letter ...


You must be suffering through a schitzophrenic football season. Notre Dame looks to be doing alright, but the Packers stink. How are you handling the contrasting emotions? Feel any different about Charlie Weis now that he has coached a few months?

--Football Fan

Good question. How do I feel about this football season? Hmm ... let me see ... you know, I don't much care. I'm more a football fan by necessity rather than by passion. I save my emotional investment for my friends and family members. When Wagsy gets dusty because Harriet throws him on the floor (by mistake, lest there by any doubt), you know, I get a little upset. But the Packers starting out 0-4 ain't nothing to get me riled up. I figured I would root for the Pack since they are publicly owned and in a small, cold town.

Now Charlie Weis is another story. He seems to be doing okay. The offense is potent and the defense is solid. But a lot of people seem to be annointing him a genius and the Goofball doesn't like to throw that term around. The man coaches football, which is a game and not to be confused with game theory. You can't win a Nobel Prize in football and there is a reason for that (and don't give me any nonsense about the awards being in Sweden where they don't play football). I'd like to remind people that my man Tyrone Willingham was doing just as well his first year at ND and they canned his sorry ass. I'm also bothered by the fact that Weis is driven around in a little cart everywhere. You had you stomach stapled, man, burn some calories by walking around!

Yo Goofball,

Ah bin reedin' 'bout Bushy-es Cort Nomi-nations. Ah reckin he put on one IV edukatd jerk and wanted to ballence it out with an underkwalified frend. What are yor thotts on the Nomi-nations?

Sinsearly, a reel berr

You know, some times it bugs the fibers out of me when I read letters from other bears. They just sound ignorant and quite frankly it is embarassing. Why can't teddy bears spell, huh? I know we have stuffing for bears, but we have to work past those handicaps. Now, I'm not a stick in the mud. I'm not like Pudgie or Gladstone; I make more liberal use of the vernacular. I also recognize that there are distinctive teddy bear idioms that are a valid form of self-expression. But how do you expect anyone to take your views seriously when you can't spell anything?

As for Harriet Miers, I'm not sure I have anything unique to add to the conversation. Miers is taking a lot of abuse from both the left and the right. I would feel sorry for her, but she's been nominated for one of the most powerful jobs in the land. She pretty much won the lottery. Besides, any woman who comes up through Texas politics is tough as nails and doesn't need anyone's sympathy.
Dear Goofball,

I was wondering if you had an opinion on cable versus satelite television? Both seem to have their plusses. Um ... mostly their plusses are the extra channels, so I suppose they would have dozens and dozens of plusses. Ooh, that would be verrry nice. Don't you agree?

-- A long time fan, first time writer

That cadence sounds awfully familar. Something tells me that Wagsy is agitating for more channels again. I'm all for the channels, but I wish he'd stop filling up my inbox. Follow Michael Jackson's advice: If you want to make the world a better place, start with the man in the mirror -- and the only man in this household is Ozzie. Send your cloying emails to him.
Goofball --

Halloween is coming up and I don't know what to wear. Do you have any good costume ideas?

-- Lost in Loserville

Hmm ... sounds like you need a boost in self-esteem, Lost in Loserville. So you should definitely pick a costume that makes you feel good about yourself. For most people, that means picking a costume where you look your sexiest. Harriet used to go as Ms Texas. Trying to look like a celebrity is usually a good call. I mean, who wouldn't look good dressed up like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider? Other people try to go for something cute and creative. Ozzie liked dressing up as a spider so he would have an extra four legs to dance with. One key is not to try too hard on the costume, cuz there is always a risk that the costume will bomb. And then where would you be? Feeling stupid because you wasted two days on a costume people think is lame. Put in just enough effort so people know what you are and then sit back and wait for someone to ask you to dance.

Well, that is about it from the Goofball. I know I promised the questions would get tougher, but what can I say , I lied to keep y'all reading until the end of the post.

Still spectating and speculating in the Bend.


Post a Comment

<< Home