Monday, August 29, 2005

Rush to your newsstands!

Oh my god, I'm so overcome with emotion that I can barely talk. I mean, I've dreamed of this moment for so long. My face is finally on the cover of a magazine!!!!

US Monthly Buffy

I wanted to tell people for the past few weeks. Oh my god, I was so totally stoked when the editor called. My mind was blown.

I was like, "Hello?"

And the editor dude was all like "Are you Buffy?"

And I was all, "None other."

And he dropped the bomb, "I want to make you my cover girl."

And I was all like in shock and my stomach was doing backflips and I thought it was too good to be true, so I wanted to check it out and stuff. "Like is there going to be a staple through my navel? Cuz I'm an upstanding aardvark."

And he totally split his side and explained that he was starting this new magazine for up and coming stars like myself. And I told him I was all over it like an aardvark on ants on honey.

I was so geeked to be on the cover of a magazine. Oh my god, Amelia bounced around the room celebrating. Then she got all worried cuz like I got all famous and stuff then she might get people taking pictures of her and asking her all these questions about me. I told her not to worry about it cuz if I get that famous, I could totally afford a gated estate that she could chill in and tinted windows in the limo so that noone could see her. And besides, Amelia is totally gorgeous. She'd become a star on her own. I don't know if she'd want to do it because she is kinda shy, but she could. She could do anything.

Anyway this post is about me and how awesome my magazine cover is. Okay, so it isn't exactly what I was hoping for. Like US Weekly would be so much better than US Monthly, but at least I didn't end up on that lame academic US Quarterly that The Onion reported on. That would have been such a drag. I mean I'm fascinating and all, but I really don't want anyone deconstructing my image or analyzing the cultural implications of my fashion choices from a post-colonialist perspective (Amelia helped me with that ... I told you she was a total brain). So US Monthly may not have much cred, but it is waaay better than nothing.

And I was a little disappointed on the photo shoot. First, like I wasn't with Brad Pitt. I always kinda pictured my first magazine cover with be with Brad Pitt. Like, I wasn't even on the cover with some second tier star like DL Hughley or anyone. That was kinda disapointing.

And I didn't get flown out to LA or Milan or New York for the photo shoot. In fact, I didn't even get a photographer sent to me. I thought it was kinda lame that I had to supply my own photographer, you know? I mean I was still excited and all, but it kind of made it seem less glamorous. On my day to be a prima donna, I didn't want to have to do my own hair. But Amelia helped me out. I called up the editor to complain and he explained that since the magazine is just getting started, they didn't have much of a budget or anything. I could totally understand that since I don't have much change either. Like it wasn't as glamorous as I had hoped, but I was still gonna be on the cover of a magazine. And I really like my photographer. He's really brought out the best in me in past shoots. Anyway, I felt good about the shoot.

And look how gorgeous I am. Combing all my hair is sometimes a hassle, but there are some bonuses. Like I'm not showing any pimples or other disgusting blemishes. And like there is no glare off my skin. My photographer says I'm the perfect model. And I like the way I'm taking up the entire cover. It is as if the magazine can't contain me or something. I'm busting out and ready to take the world by storm.

Speaking of storm, I hope the hurricane doesn't cut down on my sales. I don't see why it would. I mean all those people evacuated. They can't go to work or anything. They need to read something, right? And they'll be all worried about their homes and stuff, so they won't be reading anything serious, ya know. Why not pick up a celebrity magazine with an aardvark on its cover?

Editor's Note/Update: Buffy wrote this post before the levy broke and news about the destruction in Mississippi was reported. As far as she knew, there were hundreds of thousands of people who had left their homes and less damage than expected. She feels very badly for the victims of Hurricane Katrina and wanted to take the post down lest anyone think that she sought to profit from other people's disaster. I convinced her that people would understand the time delay and I would write this disclaimer / explanation.


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