Retreat

Like I am tired of all this talk about babies. I'm being totally serious here. Everything around this house is focused on the baby. Goofball was oblivious. Ozzie and Harriet are all stressed out. Even when I turned for a baby break to Us Weekly, my pop culture rock through thick and thin, it like totally backfired cuz people are all hyperventilating about Britney's pregnancy. BTW, I have no idea why people are so excited about this. It is hardly news. K-Fed already proved he was a fertile screw up, and I like Britney, but she doesn't seem the most natural mom. You know? Like the fact that there is another child on the way is just more of the same. What would be news is like if K-Fed got a job, quit smoking and spent time with the kids. Or if Britney and Kevin took a parenting class. But that is about as likely to happen as me winning an Emmy.

So like the point is that I'm sick and tired of babies and need a break. Normally, I would engage in some serious retail therapy, but there has been WAAAY too much shopping in this household. I mean like Ozzie and Harriet are buying something for the baby every day. And like baby stuff is super expensive. Gladstone is like flipping his lid every time his looks at the budget and stuff. I think we're doing okay money-wise, but someone has to exercise restraint. I'm just sorry that it has to be me.

I thought like a movie would be a good escape and take my mind off all things newborn, but like there hasn't been a hot movie made in forever. I'm totally serious. Just check out last week's top 10:

1) Mission Impossible III First off, Tom Cruise has gone from a dreamy to creepy. Oh my god, what happened? Did the Scientologists just suck out the remaining bits of Tom's brain? I'm not sure that I can support him anymore. A movie with Tom Cruise better be really good before I go see it, is all I am saying. Number two, like I'm sure that I would spend the entire movie thinking about Katie Holmes giving birth, and like the point of the exercise is to take my mind off babies. So like there is no chance that I am seeing this movie.

2) RV One of the great mysteries in the world is what happened to Robin Williams' career. Like it just fell off a cliff. He was good in Aladin and I thought he was fine in Good Will Hunting, but since then he's only appeared in movies that even teen age girls think are too saccarine. Like raise your hand if ten years ago you thought you would say, "Gee, it is a shame that Robin Williams doesn't have half the career of Tim Allen."

3) An American Haunting I don't like horror movies. Except for Them. That movie rocked.

4) Stick It Okay, I admit it. I totally wanted to see this movie. I'm not sure it would be quite as brilliant as Center Stage but this movie totally has potential. Center Stage might be the best movie ever. "Cooper, you're an amazing dancer, and you're a great choreographer, but as a boyfriend... you kinda suck." Replace ballet with gymnastics and we've got Stick It. The only problem is that no one wanted to see the movie with me and like I hate going to movies by myself. I mean, even Platy wouldn't go with me. How sad is that?

5) United 93 As if.

6) Ice Age: The Meltdown You know I am an aardvark who defies convention and breaks all the rules, but there are some laws of nature that I won't touch. Like one of those laws is that the sequel is always worse than the original. And the original Ice Age made me want to yak, so I am NOT seeing this movie. And before any science fiction geeks email me, I don't care how much better you think The Empire Strikes Back was than Star Wars. And I really don't want to hear how The Wrath of Khan is superior to Star Trek: The Motion Picture. All science fiction movies are the same to me. Except for Starship Troopers, Denise Richards totally made that movie.

Okay, I'm like tired of writing this, so I'll like stop before ten. You get the idea. The cinema wasn't really calling me. So what was I going to do? As always, I turned to Amelia, because she is a complete brainiac and always knows what to do.

I was like, "Amelia, what am I going to do? I'm bored and tired of babies. Like I want to go shopping, but we don't have any money left. And I want to see a movie, but no one will go see Stick It with me."

And Amelia was all like, "I'm sorry, Buffy, but I just don't feel like watching another movie where Jeff Bridges just mails it in."

And so I was like, "But what am I going to do. All my consumer support mechanisms have totally failed me."

And then Amelia dropped this on me, "Why don't you go to a spa and relax?"

And that was totally it. I mean why didn't I think of that? Amelia was on point. But it wouldn't be a weekend at the spa without my girl, so Amelia totally had to come along.



Sitting in the sauna and hot tub was totally relaxing. I never once thought about babies or diapers or college funds or anything like that. I was able to sit back and relax and think about how hot I am. It was awesome. I mean it has been forever and a day since I could just concentrate on me. And Amelia and I could talk about boys and TV shows and stuff like that. I mean it was really good just to be able to chill with my chica.



The only downside was that our masseuse was a little scrawny. I mean his hands were strong and all, but I was kind of hoping for a hunky guy named Sven. I still enjoyed getting my back rubbed and everything, but there wasn't the eye candy I have come to expect from spas. You know?

But after a day at the spa with Amelia, I felt totally relaxed and was ready to face up to our insane household. Oh my god, people just need to chill around here.