Friday, April 28, 2006

Show down at Goofball Gulch

Wagsy: Um ... hello, Goofball. How are you?

Goofball: I reckon I'm doing okay. Wait a minute, something is fishy here. Why did all three of you walk up to me at once?

Wagsy: Ooof! I don't know what you're talking about.

Buffy: Like give it up Wagsy, he's clueless not stupid. Like we're here to stage an intervention.

Goofball: An intervention?! What for!? What?! How?! Why?! I don't understand. I stopped hogging the body pillow a couple of weeks ago.

Pudgie: Goofbally, we are somewhat afraid that you have become disconnected from reality.

Goofball: Whatchootalkinabout, Pudgie?

Pudgie: One hypothesis is fear of an upcoming traumatic event is causing denial.

Goofball: Denial? Me? You're kidding. I'm the only cat that seems to understand what is going on here.

Buffy: So like, what do you think is happening?

Goofball: I can't believe that y'all don't see it. Harriet has a really large tumor. So Ozzie finally relented and agreed to let Harriet get a dog. Of course, dogs pose certain dangers for bears, so Ozzie and Harriet have been buying lots of equipment to keep us safe from the polyester shredding monster about to enter our house. See? I know what is up. It's all of you that can handle the truth.

Wagsy: Um ... um ... help me out here guys.

Buffy: Then how do you explain the new bed you've been sleeping in?

Goofball: That bed is great. See the guard rails to keep us safe from dog sneak attacks at night.

Bear bed

Wagsy: Um ... um ...

Buffy: Like I totally can't believe this.

Wagsy: How do you explain the toy hanging in the corner of the bed?

Goofball: Isn't that the sweetest little mobile? Ozzie can be a considerate guy when he wants to be. If the bears are going to be trapped in a bed lest they be rended by a dog, you gotta keep 'em entertained, right?

Mmmmm ... Mobile

Wagsy: Um ... um ... anyone?

Pudgie: I'm returning to my original hypothesis that Goofball is simply ignorant of the facts of life. Goofball, the bed is for a new baby.

Goofball: Nah. Can't be.

Pudgie: I assure you, it most definitely is.

Goofball: Nope. I don't believe it. Your theory just doesn't add up. Why does the baby need guard rails? So the dog won't attack it?

Buffy: There is no dog, you dimwit.

Goofball: So the baby needs guard rails to keep it safe from us? That doesn't make any sense. We would try to stay as far away from the baby as possible. And kids love us. We're soft and cuddly and cute. Guard rails just aren't necessary. Your theory already fails Ockam's Razor.

Pudgie: (sigh) A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. ... The guard rails are present to keep the baby from falling out of the bed.

Goofball: Babies do that?

All: Yes!

Goofball: Huh. Go figure. So your baby theory explains the new bed and guard rails, but not everything that is going on around here. It doesn't explain the gates at the top of the stairs and the dog theory explains both.

Pudgie: The reasoning behind the gates is the same as the railing on the bed -- to protect the baby from falling.

Goofball: Hey, that is pretty parsimonious. I guess that would explain why Ozzie and Harriet have gummed up all the electrical outlets, too. I was kind of having trouble explaining that one. But what about Harriet's tumor and where is this baby coming from?

Pudgie: The baby is inside Harriet, Goofball.

Goofball: You're joking.

Pudgie: Do I look like I am joking?

Goofball: How did it get in there? Did she swallow it?

Buffy: Like you can try if you want to, but like I'm taking a pass on that one.

Wagsy: Um ... let's just say that the baby started off in there.

Goofball: I don't know. Sounds like you guys are just making this up as you go along. Besides, there isn't enough room for a baby inside Harriet. She's got intestines and kidneys and other organs stuffed in there.

Wagsy: Oooh, there is plenty of room in there for a baby. Look at how big her belly is.

A comparison of the bellies

I'm very jealous of how big it is. It is even bigger than my belly now.

Pudgie: But Goofball makes an apt point. Harriet does have internal organs competing for space with the child. This space constraint is the cause of many of her ailments such as shortness in breath and frequent sensation of urination.

Buffy: Like that was waaay too much information for me. I don't want even want to think about any of this.

Goofball: Huh, your baby theory can explain all of that, too. Not bad. I'm beginning to believe there is a baby coming and not a dog.

Buffy: Finally.

Goofball: Does this mean that Harriet isn't dying?

Pudgie: No. She will be perfectly healthy after the baby is delivered.

Goofball: Delivered? I thought you said she was carrying it inside her. Why would it need to be delivered?

Buffy: It's just an expression. She'll eventually have to get the baby outside of her.

Goofball: Okay, okay. No need to get hostile. I just have one more question.

Wagsy: Um ... what's that?

Goofball: Have they picked out a name yet? I think I would be good at picking out names. How does Aloisius strike you?


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