Monday, June 13, 2005

Aardvark Photography

Like, so I watched two movies in a row that made me want to ralph. Ocean's Twelve should have been impossible to mess up. You just dress up Brad, George, and Andy and let them wander through fashionable locales. Pooh's Heffalump Movie is only a little harder, but totally failed because the writers assumed most children in America have been eating lead paint chips for breakfast. Like, I'm not completely convinced that the writers themselves didn't grow up eating Frosted Lead Flakes. Pathetic. I'm a pretty low key aardvark, but this type of incompetence is impossible to ignore.

So I got to thinking, if I am going to succeed in show business, I totally have to do everything for myself and not rely on anyone. I mean, I think my photographer is great, but what if he gets sick or hit by a blimp or something equally tragic. I'd be bummed, but I'd also be stuck without a photographer. The solution? Buffy goes all Fed on photographer (for those not in the know, that means I'm the photographer of last resort ... Pudgie has been dropping the knowledge at bear seminars).

Like I've mastered modeling, I've designed my own lines, and I've discovered and trained new talent. Like photography is one of the only skills that I need to master before I totally ready to take New York City by storm.

So I burrowed (we aardvarks excel at burrowing) through the closet and found an old camera. As luck would have it, there was still film in it. It wasn't much of a camera, but like I'm just starting out and this is for practice, right? When I am shooting for Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren, then I'll have a totally wicked kitted out camera that costs more than most people's cars.

So I tried to convince my friend Amelia to model for me. I picked Amelia because: a) she's gorgeous; b) she's my girl -- I'd do anything for her and vice-versa (and we've shared more than a little vice ... chocolate covered ants trip us up every time); c) she hasn't really appeared on the blog yet and that is a MASSIVE oversight cuz she has lot of totally interesting things to say. But it was a little harder to convince her to help me out.

Amelia was all like, "I don't know, Buffy."

And I was all like, "Well, I know. You'd be hot."

And Amelia was like, "Who would want to look at me?"

And I was totally like, "Girlfriend, you are totally gorgeous."

And she was all like, "I don't know. I'm pretty shy."

And I was like, "Amelia, you're a beautiful armadillo and we just need to get you out of your shell."

And Amelia was like, "You mean there is something wrong with my shell?"

And I was like, "Whoa, no. Totally no. Your shell is hot. I only mean you need to grab the spotlight more. Let the world see you in all your beauty."

I felt totally bad after accidentally insulting Amelia, so we had a long heart-to-heart. I won't relate it here because it was totally private and intense. But at the end of it, Amelia agreed to help out if we covered up her shell. I figured that would give me a chance to show off my newest shirts.

Aardvark Photography (Amelia)

So, ladies and gentlemen, here's the hottest armadillo on the web, Amelia. You should notice the craftsmanship that went into making this picture a masterpiece. Amelia is looking a little nervous. Why is that cute armadillo looking nervous? Well look at the context. She's in front of a symbol of modern technology -- a totally awesome flatscreen computer monitor. Teddy bears are a little leery of being supplants by technology. And what is behind the flat screen? A sewing machine. So the flatscreen has stolen the stage from older technologies like the sewing machine. And sewing machines are helpful to teddy bears not competition. So that is why Amelia is looking apprehensive. Like in the future, when my pictures appear in magazines, I won't have to explain them to the audience. People will just like appreciate them and know that I am way smart.

Aardvark Photography 2 (Amelia and my shirt)

This second picture is mostly an advertisement for my line of clothing. I'm not totally satisfied with it. The picture of me is supposed to leap out of the biege and white background because it is so colorful (like me *giggle*), but it didn't quite work. I think part of the reason is that my nose keeps getting in the way of the pictures. At first I thought it would be a big problem, but then I figured that I could like edit it out or something. But it like screwed up the focus or something. I tried to make the grainy image work for me. It has a kinda grungy urban feel to it, but a berber carpet doesn't exactly scream asphalt jungle.

There is only so much an aardvark can do. But I think it was a good first effort.


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