Sunday, June 05, 2005

Most Disappointing Moment of my Life

Like, I'm so totally bummed. Ocean's Eleven might not have been the defining movie of my generation, but Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Andy Garcia all looked *GORGEOUS* in it. A movie's sins can totally be forgiven if the men look good enough in it. So I like knew that Ocean's Twelve received like completely horrid reviews, but I figured the guys would still be hot, right? Wrong! I mean right, but like you have to be on the screen to be hot. Andy Garcia is on the screen for like 2.57 seconds -- I timed it with keen aardvark super senses. Freddie Mac, Scott Caan, and most of the guys are on the screen for like ten seconds apiece. You need to ensemble to see how hot the ensemble is. And when the stars are on the screen, they are like sitting in a jail cell. If sitting in a jail cell were cool, I'd be one of those women who write to inmates and gets engaged via the US Postal Service. It's like two-thirds of the cast agreed to be in the movie if they could complete the filming in one day. Lame.

Not only did the script involve sitting in a jail cell for long periods, but the plot made even less sense than the first movie. I mean, I don't know even know where to get started ... and I ALWAYS know how to get it started. All I can say is that when the plot unnecessarily turns on a character looking like the actress who plays her, that is lamer than a hexaplegic ant. And when the surprise ending makes the convoluted schemes in the middle completely nonsensical, I like wonder why I even watched the movie. And the dialogue totally bit. It didn't even bite the big one.

Clooney: Do I look fifty?

Buffy: When you sit around unshaven and poorly dressed in a jail cell, yeah, you kinda do.

The only somewhat redeeming feature of the movie is Brad Pitt. He's on the screen a lot and he wears good looking suits. That like almost saved the movie for me. But even he is not totally glamorous. He is failing as a business man, he gets his cell phone stolen which totally jeopardizes the whole plot but then never does anything about it. He's kinda like a good looking lobotomized zombie in this movie. Ocean's 12 is not supposed to be a movie about mid-life crises, purpose in life, and lost love. And Brad unncessarily endangers the whole group by chasing after Katherine Zeta Jones. Like current events ruin that back story. I mean Jennifer Aniston AND Angelina Jolie AND Catherine Zeta Jones ... how many relationships does this guy need? I beginning to think that my aardvark school girl crush was misplaced. Of course, I was just gonna use Brad to advance my career, so I suppose it is irrelevant, but it would be nice if he wasn't such a schmoe. I mean if he is going to get back together with Jennifer, what is he doing still canoodling with Angelina? I suppose it means he would probably be willing to party with me and get me on the cover of US Weekly, but I don't know if it is worth it anymore. Too much baggage for this aardvark.


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