Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Teddy Bear Dreams

Um ... hello. Gregor Samsa may have awoke from unsettling dreams, but today Wagsy awoke from wonderous dreams (Pudgie helped me with that reference). Ooh! It was so nice. And the cause of my happy dream, our new silk sheets. They are very comfy. I know they arrived a while ago, but I only got around to blogging about them now. Um ... maybe it is because they are so comfy that is hard to think about blogging. Um ... or maybe it is because we've been busy training Bear and Pi. Or, perhaps we've just been bad about posting regularly. Anyway, here is a photo of Goofball and I enjoying the silk sheets for the first time.

Luxuriating on the new silk sheets

Oooh, they are so soft and silky. Between you and me, I think they are softer than Goofball's behind and that is pretty soft. They are probably even softer than the new bears and those all new fibers are hard to beat. But ... um ... there is one ... um ... problem. I think the sheets are TOO smooth. After sleeping on the sheets for several nights, we discovered that the bears will slip off the bed! Oooh! When Goofball pounces, he slips off the side. When Moose zips, he zips into the great unknown. If Harriet rolls over, the bears roll off. It is very problematic and troubling. I've dreamed of silk sheets for years and ... um ... it is a little disappointing.

Family gathering on the silk sheets

So we held a conference on the new sheets to discuss the problem. Everyone thought the sheets were very comfy and that Goofball looked very cute against their ivory backdrop. But as the bears began to slide off the bed, everyone agreed there was a problem. It is hard to hold a conference when the participants are prone to falling onto the floor.

Gladstone thought we should return the sheets and get our money back.

Moose thought we should keep the sheets, put them on the floor, and use them as a Slip-N-Slide (at least that is how we interpreting his "Moose!" and sliding around. It is sometimes hard to know what Moose is saying. Um ... I mean he is obviously saying "Moose!" but the exact meaning is not always clear. Did he say "moose", "MOO-se", or "moo-SE!"? The intonation can be subtle -- at least for those with stuffin' for brains.).

Amelia thought the sheets were very nice and we shouldn't be mean about them.

Then ... um ... the following exchange took place, a conversation that will change the course of my furry life.

Buffy: Like, before we do anything, I need to get in a photoshoot on these sheets. Like every serious model has at least one shoot on silk sheets: Madonna; Marilyn Monroe; that blond girl from American Beauty; and I'm sure there are like a lot of others. And like after I get paid, we can use that money to buy 1,000 thread count cotton sheets.

Goofball: Wait a minute. Wait one thousand cotton-countin' minutes. You mean there is such a thing as 1,000 thread count sheets.

Buffy: Totally. Like just last week in US Weekly, a star was commenting on how once you enjoy 1,000 threadcount sheets, there is like no going back. Since they are like cotton and stuff, they would be soft, but not slippery.

Goofball: Then why did we spend the bear money on silk sheets? Why do we have these freakish friction free sheets? I'm lookin' at you dog.

Wagsy: Um ... I ... um ... I didn't know 1,000 thread count sheets existed. Um ... Wow ... WOW! ... um ... wow. They sound veRRRy nice. I thought silk was as soft as you could go.

Goofball: Apparently not. How did this debacle happen? I demand accountability!

Moose: Moose!

Goofball: Why wasn't due diligence done? Isn't it your job to look into our investments ... Gladstone!

Moose: Moose!

Gladstone: Why I ... I beg your pardon, sir! I advised against the whole endeavour from the outset. I thought we should invest the money into Certificates of Deposit. They frivilous trifles are a waste of our hard earned money and I would never recommend the bears invest a significant portion of their portfolio on goods that will depreciate rather than appreciate. I resent the implication that --

Goofball: If I am not mistaken, you control the pursestrings. How did the gang who can't shoot straight, being us, get enough money to buy silk sheets if you didn't allow it? Hmmmm? Your silk smoking jacket would indicate a fondness for all things silken, would it not, Gladstone? Perhaps you allowed the money to be obtained and used on inferior sheets.

Gladstone: I beg your pardon, sir! I have never been so offended in my life. Why the mere implication --

Goofball: You should be beggin' my pardon, Stuffy. I'm accusin' you of breachin' your fiduciary duty!

Gladstone: Why ... I ... good heavens! I've worked myself into a bit of a lather. I can't even respond I am so torqued.

Goofball: Okay, okay, you've said enough, Stuffy. The question now is how we go about raising the money and procuring the new sheets? How are sales at our store going?

Wagsy: Um ... sales at our store haven't exactly been brisk. I don't know how long it will take to earn enough for 1,000 thread count sheets.

Goofball: Well, does anybody else have any ideas?

Buffy: Like I already said I could do some modeling. I could totally earn the green. America is just waiting for this aardvark.

Goofball: I suppose I could write a book of poetry. How could people not want to read gems like:

There once was a bear from The Bend
Whose seams were starting to rend
He gathered some thread
And waited on the bed
For his person to caretake and mend

Amelia: That poem was very nice, Gooball.

Goofball: Thanks, Amelia. You're a doll.

Gladstone: If I may interject, you could purchase the sheets using the same source for funding that you used for the original sheets.

Wagsy: Um ... what's that? We forgot.

Gladstone: Ozzie. Ozzie purchased these silk sheets.

Wagsy: Yeah, yeah. He's right. Gladstone's right. Ozzie purchased them for us. He might pretend to be grumpy and hate us, but deep down, he likes us.

Goofball: I'm sorry that I impugned your integrity, Stuffy.

Gladstone: Hmmphh.

Um ... and with our newfound source of funding, we started to plan what we wanted to spend Ozzie's money on. The first thing was satelite TV. Or cable. We didn't much care. Then someone pointed out that we needed a better TV to enjoy the cable. And I don't know who came up with the idea, but someone pointed out that if we got a flatscreen TV and had it afixed to the ceiling above the bed, the bears could lie on 1,000 thread count sheets in bed watching satelite TV in high definition. Oooh. Such a beautiful thought. At this point Gladstone started sputtering about wasting money, but he was so upset he kept falling off the bed. You know, it is pretty easy to ignore objections when the person objecting keeps falling on the floor. Maybe that is why Ozzie ignores our demands for cable.

About then the final vision came to fruitition. Um ... it is kind of complicated, but I hope you can follow the furry logic. A flatscreen TV on the ceiling is pretty heavy and it might fall on the people watching it. That would be bad. But if you piled enough bears on the bed, they would cushion the people from the falling flat screen TV. But ... ooh ... you'd need a LOT of bears on the bed, maybe even ... um ... all of them. So we'd need a larger bed.

And that is the reason I went to sleep dreaming of lying on a king sized bed wrapped in 1,000 thread count sheets with ALL of the bears and watching a ceiling mounted flat screen TV receiving digital satelite images. Um ... just the thought of it makes me happy.

But ... um ... that doesn't mean we won't bug Ozzie for it.

Um ... what do we want?!

A king sized bed wrapped in 1,000 thread count sheets with ALL of the bears and watching a ceiling mounted flat screen TV receiving digital satelite images!

Um ... when do we want it?!


Um ... doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? We'll have to work on it. But now we have a vision of the future worth cuddling for (not that we wouldn't cuddle anyway).


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