Friday, January 27, 2006

What is next for Buffy?

So like I feel like I am having some weird out of body experience and like I'm not enjoying it half as much as I thought I would. I mean for starters, I'm Buffy, why am I all uptight and filled with ennui? You like that word? I just picked it up on my last photo shoot. The photographer was circling around taking pictures like they were candies on a secretary's desk and all asking me to look different ways:

You're a beautiful aardvark, make the world sing with joy as you smile! ... excellent! excellent! Now, I want you to make the world cry. Break the world's heart, Buffy. Make them wonder why such a beautiful aardvark is sad. ... excellent! excellent! You are making me cry right now. Yes, yes, you are. See this tear? That is me crying. ... excellent! excellent! Now, Buffy, I want you to make the world feel like an ant. Make everyone feel tiny and worthless and insignificant. ... no, no, no, no, you are looking angry! that is no good. People will think you want to eat them, I want them to feel worthless not like lunch. ... no, no, no, no, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! You are breaking my heart, but not in a good way. You must looked bored with the world. You are listless and disinterested because the world is not worthy of your attention. You must be filled with ennui. ... yes, yes, yes! ... excellent! excellent! You are making feel insecure about my photography right now. Even, I, a great artist, cannot escape your powerful ennui. ... excellent! excellent! ...

Oh my god, that photoshoot was like the best. I totally found my groove and channeled Garbo. Like I totally knew that I was doing a great job and that all my years of training and primping and spoiling myself were paying off. I'm not afraid to toot my own horn, so I will like come out and say that I rocked. Amelia was with me and totally agreed. Isn't that right, Amelia?

Amelia: Yes, I thought you did a very good job modeling, Buffy.

So like when I walk outside, there were all these pictures of me towering all over the place. And like not just up high, either. My face even greeted normal people just walking along the sidewalk and stuff.

For the apple of your I

I mean, shouldn't that sign just make me happy? For the Apple of Your I. That's a hot slogan, right? I didn't think of this one, either. Amelia did. They were trying to come up with something kind of sexy for me to sell perfume, but like I need to think about my long term image. This aardvark isn't doing anything sleazy, boys, so don't get your hopes up. So like we were stuck for a concept, but Amelia got this brilliant idea that like "aardvark" has two "a's" and "apple" start with "a" and apples all stand for original sin, but they're all wholesome since they keep doctors away. So like its illiterative and has illusions of literary pretensions.

Amelia: Excuse me, Buffy. The poster is alliterative and makes allusions to literature of prominence.

Oh, like is that what you said? That totally makes more sense. They were all blow drying my hair at that point and I could barely hear anything anyone said. Actually, they were blow drying my hair for most of the afternoon because I have so much of it. Wow, are those people obsessive about hair. Like I usually just roll out of bed and don't think about how I look cuz like I know that I am a natural beauty. But these makeup people are totally obsessed with looks and detail. Oh my god, they would have a cow if even one hair was out of place.

So anyway, the picture works because Amelia is a genius. She even came up with the slogan, "For the Apple of Your I." Like that phrase totally captures the aardvark mystique. It totally subverts your expectations because it looks contradictory, but you know it screams attitude. So I should feel good about the posters, right?


Why don't I?


I mean I've always wanted to be famous, right? And now I am finally getting my shot. So like my ambivalence makes no sense whatsoever. So I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about what is wrong.

At first I thought it might be seeing my face all over the place. Talk about existential crisis. Oh my god, not only am I not unique, but my image was mass produced and projected all over the place. Everywhere I went, I was like looming over watching me. That totally feels weird. Pudgie said I might have ailing vision, but that couldn't be the case cuz like I could see the signs perfectly. Like who wouldn't? They are so HUGE.

Amelia: Uh, Pudgie said that you might be alienated from your own visage.

Alienated from my own visage? Like what is that supposed to mean?

Amelia: I think Pudgie means that you normally decide where your image appears, and you normally only see it in the mirror. Seeing yourself all over the city in larger-than-life might be a little ... off-putting.

Like why didn't he just say that? Alienated? I'm a naturalized citizen. Or at least I think I am. I don't really have a social security number. All my modeling jobs have been strictly cash under the table affairs, if you know what I mean. And seeing yourself larger than life isn't off-putting, IT ROCKS! Oh my god, who wouldn't flip head over tails when they are on a billboard on Times Square?

Amelia I don't think I'd like it very much.

Okay, I suppose that is totally fair and stuff and that I should validate your experiences. And so, yeah, like, it might not be for everyone, but I definitely like being on posters. At first it was a little weird seeing good looking aardvarks everywhere, but when I got used to it, I saw that the world was a much prettier place for having my posters up. So the posters definitely aren't the source of my ennui.

So then I thought it might be because I have accomplished all my goals and I don't know what else to do with my life. I mean I've wanted to be a star and now like it has almost happened. But then I realized that like I'm totally not a star. I haven't appeared in "The Fashion Police" even once. I've never made the evening news for yelling at a police officer. No magazine has run a picture of me grocery shopping. Like I am SOOOOO FAAAAR from a star that it is not even funny. The only thing that makes me kind of a star is that people drive by my house slowly during the day and look in the windows to catch a glimpse of me.

Amelia: Buffy, um, yeah, Buffy, I think they are looking into the windows for things to steal. I don't think they know you even live here.

Oh my god, you have got to be kidding.

Amelia: No, no I'm not. I think they are casing our joint.

Like that stinks. What type of busted up, lame neighborhood are we living in? I knew that it wasn't a trendy area of town or anything, but I didn't think that I would be associating the criminal element. I'm never going to be famous at this address. Like this only underscores my point that wish fulfillment cannot be driving my ennui.

Amelia: That was a very nice use of psychoanalytic jargon, Buffy. I'm impressed.

Thanks, Amelia. I picked it up from my therapist. I figured all the stars have one and I'm not feeling aardvark fabulous, so why not start going to one? Like it is almost kind of fun. I just show up and we talk about my favorite topic, me! I mean I don't always like talking about how I feel, but it kinda helps me figure things out. Like this week, I totally made a big break through and zeroed in on why I'm kind sad. I knew something was missing from my life, but I just couldn't figure it out. Then it struck me ...

I don't have a crush on Brad Pitt anymore.

Like it was so simple and just staring at me this whole time. I no longer get goose bumps up my spine when I see Brad. I'm pretty sure that it isn't because he dumped Jenn, because I was totally into Brad after he and Jenn separated. And I don't think it is because he is living with Angelina, cuz I think I'd live with her too. Strike that. I KNOW I would live with Angelina. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe I have outgrown my crush on Brad. Like it was okay when I was younger and just starting out in the celebrity business, but now it just doesn't fit. And that kind of makes me sad, you know? Like when you wake up one morning and discover your favorite pair of jeans don't fit. I mean, I still think he is hot and all. I mean he is SO hot. But I just don't feel all tingly.

So I need someone to replace Brad as my crush, but I just don't see any good candidates out there, right now. Johnny Depp has always been a reliable fall back for crushes, but the timing is all wrong. He looked creepy in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I might need to wait for his next movie to come out. Orlando Bloom grew facial hair and doesn't look anything like Legolas anymore. Legolas was definitely worthy of a crush. Will Turner was just boring in Pirates and Elizabethtown just looked pathetic. Oh my god, Cameron Crowe has totally lost his touch. Say Anything, Singles, Jerry Macguire, those were all classic chick flicks. Almost Famous was a little too self-congratulatory for this aardvark's taste, but it still had some charm. And then like his movies fell off a cliff onto a big pile of elephant dung. Vanilla Sky was bad at the word hello. None of this matters, cuz like the point is that there is no one out there worthy of a crush at the moment.

So like does anyone know of any cute, smart, talented, charsimatic, and really cute actors? Young ones?


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