American Idle

Okay, so like I haven't written anything about American Idol in like forever. Like I'm not even sure that I have even said word one about the show. It's not that I don't watch it cuz like I'm totally glued to the set each week. But it's like when the world is full of so many stars, why would I want to write about wanna-bees? Like Angelina and Brad are their own established constellation and make for good copy. Typing is like totally difficult for me, so why should I waste my time on erstwhile karoke singers?

Then like two things changed my mind with a quickness. First was this New York Times article on Ryan Seacrest. I was like whoa. What is the Grey Lady doing devoting 1400 words to a nobody like Ryan Seacrest when the Darfurrians are still in trouble? I totally didn't understand the interest, you know? I mean his role in Idol puts the fluous in superfluous. ... Like, does that work, Amelia?

Amelia: I don't think so, Buffy. Fluous isn't a word.

Then, like what should I use? He puts the "less" back in useless? That seems kinda lame.

Amelia: Well, maybe you could try, "His role isn't worth the word 'expendable', so I'll just describe it as endable." Or, "It's not only redundant, it's simply done: done before, done better, and is it done yet?"

Like, see why I hang with Amelia? I mean she is quiet, but she has a fierce tongue. Must come with slurping up ants and termites. Like there was this girl in the 80s who told this guy in a movie that she wouldn't kiss him until he could unwrap a Starburst using only his tongue. And like Amelia and I just don't find opening candies impressive. Try getting ants out of a rotten log and then we'll talk.

Amelia: I think you've spent enough time on the tangent, Buffy. Get back to Ryan Seacrest.

Totally, oh my god, I like forgot where I was or something. The point is, Ryan adds nothing to show. Despite this lack of charisma, he has two radio shows, a role on Idol, and a 3 year $21 million contract from E!. Like how is that possible? I mean he is kinda cute if you're in the "I'm too old for Hobbits but too young for Vin Diesel" crowd. He isn't funny (like me). He isn't insighful (like me). He's like vanilla, but not like the good Mexican kind. Seacrest is the synthetic, bitter, imitation vanilla they produce in huge vats off the New Jersey turnpike.

Amelia: You're sounding a little bitter yourself, Buffy. Why can't we just be happy for Ryan's success?

Happy?! Like I'm totally pumped. If that dweeb can make a multi-million dollar empire, what's to stop me from being the next Oprah? My left ear is more interesting than Ryan. Seacrest out, Buffy in.

So like the second thing that prompted me to write about American Idol was this e-mail from a reader:

Dear Buffy,

You're like my favorite author on Furry Thoughts for Fuzzy Times. Like for a while I thought I was into Goofball, but then he writes about sports all the time and misses all the really important things like fashion and celebrities. I have read everything you've written like a dozen times. You like say things that I'd like say if I could like say them, but you say them way better. Like yaknow? It's like we're on the same wavelength, but you're like further down the wave or something.

But I've noticed that you've been like silent on American Idol. Like is there some back story that I should know about? And like if you're not like boycotting the show on principle, could you like give you opinion on it? I'd be really curious to hear your thoughts.

An Aardvark Fan

Like I didn't realize that I was letting down my fans by not commenting on Idol. There totally isn't any drama or history. I've never tried out. I've never had Paula throw a drink on me. Nothing. I just didn't think there was a distinctive teddy bear perspective on the event, ya know? I mean I have opinions and favorites just like any other aardvark, but I didn't feel the need to subject the world to my thoughts. But if someone like wants to know, then I'll share them.

First off, this year's talent pool was more shallow than a love note written by Paris Hilton. I'm being totally serious here. Vote for the Worst probably had a civil war trying to decide who to support. The winner was clearly going to be Katharine McPhee from the start. I'm she's hot, she can sing, and she seems like a really sweet person. Couldn't you totally see her holding her own in US Weekly? Tell me she doesn't look just as good as Mandy Moore, Jessicsa Alba, or Katie Holmes? Please. And she's 21, so there won't be those scandalous Olsen Twins getting tanked type stories. Kat is the only one with star quality and that will like win out.

But like tonight's performances made me wonder. Taylor seemed to get the crowd really into it. I just don't see the attraction. He's like 79 (minus 50) and he's got twice as many chins as the average contestant. I mean if you can't bother to get in good shape during American Idol like when will you get in shape? At least Elvis waited until he was like a demi-god before turning himself into the Goodyear blimp. And the guy belts out every song like he is in front of the bathroom mirror. I mean even Randy Jackson kept saying, "No matter what the song, dog, you make it into a Taylor Hicks song." That is just another way of saying, "Every song sounds the same when you sing it, doofus." But the crowd was really into it. Am I so out of touch? I mean this should be a popularity contest between the stoned class clown and the really hot cheerleader, who is going to Harvard, feeds the homeless, and is genuinely nice to everyone. No brainer, right?

But then Simon changed his tune. I mean he started out panning every one of Taylor's performances, and I was with him. But then like a couple of weeks ago Simon switched gears and said he thought Taylor deserved to be in the finals? That switch totally gave me whiplash. I have a couple of theories for this turn around:

• a) Simon really changed his mind (hardly);


• b) Simon was paid by Vote for the Worst (as if);


• c) Simon's record company gets to produce a record for the #2 person, but Fox gets the winner (you never know, but the conflict of interest seems way too obvious);


• d) Simon watched the crowds going bezerk every week and saw the number of votes Taylor brought in and decided to capitulate to the mob.

Like is it possible that my favorite judge sold out? I just don't get it. And like it totally makes me sick when Randy and Paula start crowing about how Simon didn't think Taylor would make it very far. First off, like Simon already admitted he was wrong, so like relax. I mean has Paula ever admitted she was wrong? And second, when have those two been especially right? I mean they like everyone. Does that mean that they were wrong about all the people who lost out? It does, doesn't it? Am I right, Amelia?

Amelia: Yes, Buffy.

Thank you. I just don't understand any of this. They could like replace everyone excepting Simon on that show and I would probably like it just as much. And if Kat doesn't win, I'll be like totally disoriented. Would teenage girls really vote for a dork staving off a mid-life crisis instead of a really cute girl who can sing and is really nice? Like is this possible?

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Update: Oh my god, I can't believe that the karoke singer won. How could America not catch McPheever? I'm like completely dumbfounded. He can't sing and he's not cute and he's not funny. What is the point in watching him? He like makes Ryan Seacrest look like the Bruce Jenner of the entertainment decathalon.

Ozzie totally needs to get off his butt and study the voting behavior of Idol fans. I mean there is something seriously strange about all this. Like I'm at a loss. What do the youth of America want? Like maybe I don't have it? Like I totally thought a sassy aardvark would hit some sort of cultural nerve.

But then I thought a hot, friendly, girl next door type who could sing would win American Idol, too.

Emotional Support Duck

Quack quack quack quack quack: quack. Quack quack:

These days people rely on a veritable Noah's Ark of support animals. Tami McLallen, a spokeswoman for American Airlines, said that although dogs are the most common service animals taken onto planes, the airline has had to accommodate monkeys, miniature horses, cats and even an emotional support duck. "Its owner dressed it up in clothes," she recalled.

Quack quACK Quack quaCK quackquack. Quack quack quack quack QUACK QUACK QUACK! Quack quack QUAck quack quack. Quack quACK quACK quaCK.

Quack quack quack. Quack quack QUACK QUACK, quack QUAck, QUACK QUACK QUACK.

Quack quack quack quack quack.



Quack quack quack quack, quack quack quack quack quack.

Quack.

Gauging Interest in Teddy Bears

Readers may recall my agreement with Ozzie a year ago. Once Ozzie receives tenure, he will assist me in writing my book. There are so many exciting possibilities to be pursued. Globalization and the Diffusion of Teddy Bears has a certain appeal, but I strongly suspect that my attentions will first be turned upon the epistemological and metaphysical properties of teddy bears. I plan an ambitious and far reaching intellectual agenda concerning teddy bears, and it is good to establish a firm intellectual foundation. Perhaps after dictating The Second Treatise on Teddy Bears, I will write An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Teddy Bears. From that vantage, I should be able to adequately pursue the diffusion of teddy bears. To be perfectly frank, I am positively giddy with excitement. Ozzie bought a desk for me last Christmas. I have never before possessed such a fine workshop in which to ply my trade. I long for the day when I can cease my concern with voting behavior and turn my attention to the eternal truths of the universe.

Readers whose primary encounter with narrative is the treacly tripe served up by Hollywood movie studios might guess that the paragraph above foreshadows the news that Ozzie will receive early tenure. While not entirely illogical, the conclusion is wholly unwarranted and demonstrates a severe misapprehension on the bureaucratic workings of academia. To be perfectly honest, nothing could be further from the truth. Ozzie has not produced anything worthy of note in weeks. Rather than finishing up existing papers, Ozzie spends his nights watching basketball games and his days struggling through the resulting sleep deprivation. Sigh. I find it somewhat apropos that Ozzie studies voters, who are often described as myopic, poorly informed, and easily distracted. It may be a very long time before I can begin my book in earnest.

To prepare myself for the day when my intellectual pursuits become actualized, I spend my idle hours pondering. The topic varies depending upon the day. I see little reason to reign in and focus my thoughts when my magnum opus is a minimum of six years away. Typically, I commune with the Canon (I am reaquainting myself with Aristotle at the moment), but occasionally I find myself inspired by the tools Ozzie employs in his work.

The wealth of data on American public opinion is simply staggering. Each day hundreds of randomly selected individuals are surveyed, and their responses are available for scholars to sift through. The range of questions that can be answered using such materials is mind boggling (which makes Ozzie's choice of topics for intellectual inquiry all the more depressing). I realize that a scholar should think of a question and then find the right methods to answer the question, but the temptation to make use of the cornucopia of survey tools is strong. Since Ozzie is frittering away his hours watching under-educated, over-paid pituitary cases fight over an inflated cow hide, I decided to indulge myself and explore seedy world of public opinion.

Unfortunately, surveys concerning my object of interest are not readily available. Perhaps the Vermont Teddy Bear Company has conducted proprietary research, but I am doubtful that I will ever gain access to such information. So how was I to assess public opinion concerning teddy bears?

As luck would have it, the innovative engineers at Google have derived a useful measure of broad interest in a subject. I eagerly typed in "teddy bear" into Google Trends to see what information concerning public sentiments on teddy bears could be gleaned. The results were surprisingly unambiguous. I took three lessons from the exercise.

Lesson One: People are most likely to type the word "teddy bear" into Google two weeks prior to Valentine's Day. I can only surmise that teddy bears are viewed as an appropriate gift for a romantic holiday. While I do not disagree with such sentiments, I would prefer teddy bears to be associated with a broader range of holidays. Why are teddy bears not viewed as patriotic? Surely, World Science Day (November 10th) would also be an appropriate day to give a loved one a teddy bear. Still, my wishes cannot change the shape of the data. That the world associates teddy bears with Valentine's Day is an uncontrovertible fact.

Lesson Two: Former British Colonies are the seat of global interest in teddy bears. The countries seeking teddy bears most are (in order): 1) The United States; 2) Australia; 3) United Kingdom; 4) New Zealand; 5) Canada; 6) Thailand; and 7) India. Given the prominent ranking of a small island state such as New Zealand, I assume that the results are normed by population. With the exception of Thailand, which is the only Southeast Asian nation not to be conquered by a European power, every country is an English speaking former British colony. The regularity cannot be due to chance. Whether teddy bears diffused through mercantile, cultural, or technological routes cannot be determined. However, the regularity is striking and worthy of note.

Lesson Three: The biggest news story concerning teddy bears involved a bad romantic pun. Apparently the "Crazy for You" teddy bear in a strait jacket from Vermont Teddy Bears rankled some oversensitive people. Yet another example of political correctness run amuck. Each of the articles deemed representative of the protest against "Crazy for You" bear worried about offending crazy people. Not one person quoted expressed concern over the undue restriction of movement for the hapless teddy bears. I agree that Vermont Teddy Bears behaved in a callous manner, but I see no reason to ignore the plight of friendly teddy bears.

I am not sure larger life lessons can be drawn from the Google Trends analysis. However, the initial data exploration was intended merely as a distraction. To that end, the analysis was immensely successful.

Retreat

Like I am tired of all this talk about babies. I'm being totally serious here. Everything around this house is focused on the baby. Goofball was oblivious. Ozzie and Harriet are all stressed out. Even when I turned for a baby break to Us Weekly, my pop culture rock through thick and thin, it like totally backfired cuz people are all hyperventilating about Britney's pregnancy. BTW, I have no idea why people are so excited about this. It is hardly news. K-Fed already proved he was a fertile screw up, and I like Britney, but she doesn't seem the most natural mom. You know? Like the fact that there is another child on the way is just more of the same. What would be news is like if K-Fed got a job, quit smoking and spent time with the kids. Or if Britney and Kevin took a parenting class. But that is about as likely to happen as me winning an Emmy.

So like the point is that I'm sick and tired of babies and need a break. Normally, I would engage in some serious retail therapy, but there has been WAAAY too much shopping in this household. I mean like Ozzie and Harriet are buying something for the baby every day. And like baby stuff is super expensive. Gladstone is like flipping his lid every time his looks at the budget and stuff. I think we're doing okay money-wise, but someone has to exercise restraint. I'm just sorry that it has to be me.

I thought like a movie would be a good escape and take my mind off all things newborn, but like there hasn't been a hot movie made in forever. I'm totally serious. Just check out last week's top 10:

1) Mission Impossible III First off, Tom Cruise has gone from a dreamy to creepy. Oh my god, what happened? Did the Scientologists just suck out the remaining bits of Tom's brain? I'm not sure that I can support him anymore. A movie with Tom Cruise better be really good before I go see it, is all I am saying. Number two, like I'm sure that I would spend the entire movie thinking about Katie Holmes giving birth, and like the point of the exercise is to take my mind off babies. So like there is no chance that I am seeing this movie.

2) RV One of the great mysteries in the world is what happened to Robin Williams' career. Like it just fell off a cliff. He was good in Aladin and I thought he was fine in Good Will Hunting, but since then he's only appeared in movies that even teen age girls think are too saccarine. Like raise your hand if ten years ago you thought you would say, "Gee, it is a shame that Robin Williams doesn't have half the career of Tim Allen."

3) An American Haunting I don't like horror movies. Except for Them. That movie rocked.

4) Stick It Okay, I admit it. I totally wanted to see this movie. I'm not sure it would be quite as brilliant as Center Stage but this movie totally has potential. Center Stage might be the best movie ever. "Cooper, you're an amazing dancer, and you're a great choreographer, but as a boyfriend... you kinda suck." Replace ballet with gymnastics and we've got Stick It. The only problem is that no one wanted to see the movie with me and like I hate going to movies by myself. I mean, even Platy wouldn't go with me. How sad is that?

5) United 93 As if.

6) Ice Age: The Meltdown You know I am an aardvark who defies convention and breaks all the rules, but there are some laws of nature that I won't touch. Like one of those laws is that the sequel is always worse than the original. And the original Ice Age made me want to yak, so I am NOT seeing this movie. And before any science fiction geeks email me, I don't care how much better you think The Empire Strikes Back was than Star Wars. And I really don't want to hear how The Wrath of Khan is superior to Star Trek: The Motion Picture. All science fiction movies are the same to me. Except for Starship Troopers, Denise Richards totally made that movie.

Okay, I'm like tired of writing this, so I'll like stop before ten. You get the idea. The cinema wasn't really calling me. So what was I going to do? As always, I turned to Amelia, because she is a complete brainiac and always knows what to do.

I was like, "Amelia, what am I going to do? I'm bored and tired of babies. Like I want to go shopping, but we don't have any money left. And I want to see a movie, but no one will go see Stick It with me."

And Amelia was all like, "I'm sorry, Buffy, but I just don't feel like watching another movie where Jeff Bridges just mails it in."

And so I was like, "But what am I going to do. All my consumer support mechanisms have totally failed me."

And then Amelia dropped this on me, "Why don't you go to a spa and relax?"

And that was totally it. I mean why didn't I think of that? Amelia was on point. But it wouldn't be a weekend at the spa without my girl, so Amelia totally had to come along.



Sitting in the sauna and hot tub was totally relaxing. I never once thought about babies or diapers or college funds or anything like that. I was able to sit back and relax and think about how hot I am. It was awesome. I mean it has been forever and a day since I could just concentrate on me. And Amelia and I could talk about boys and TV shows and stuff like that. I mean it was really good just to be able to chill with my chica.



The only downside was that our masseuse was a little scrawny. I mean his hands were strong and all, but I was kind of hoping for a hunky guy named Sven. I still enjoyed getting my back rubbed and everything, but there wasn't the eye candy I have come to expect from spas. You know?

But after a day at the spa with Amelia, I felt totally relaxed and was ready to face up to our insane household. Oh my god, people just need to chill around here.

Life Changes

Goofball: So, uh, you're going to be a father.

Ozzie: Yup. Looks like it.

Goofball: How do you feel about that?

Ozzie: Most of the time I think it is pretty cool.

Goofball: You scared?

Ozzie: Not really, just a little apprehensive.

Goofball: You know, I could have helped you feel a little less nervous if you had told me.

Ozzie: I'm really not that worried.

Goofball: Okay, I would have looked a little less stupid if you had told me.

Ozzie: I thought you knew.

Goofball: No one ever told me. How as I supposed to know?

Ozzie: It's hard to keep it a secret. Harriet is as big as a house. I figured you would catch on eventually.

Goofball: I'm a teddy bear, where was I supposed to learn this information? We don't hang out on playgrounds and we don't attend state mandated sex education classes.

Ozzie: Yeah, Pudgie's proposal was voted down pretty handily. I'm surprised he offered to teach the course, usually he likes to stick to economics or philosophy. I guess he thought someone should perform the important public service.

Goofball: It WOULD have been an important public service. There is no way I could have figured out the whole process on my own. Sheez, making babies is complicated and messy. And quite frankly, it seems a little unnatural.

Ozzie: There is more than a kernal of truth to that.

Goofball: I find it hard to believe that my girl is made for this. It cannot be healthy.

Ozzie: Sadly, I don't think it is healthy, Goofball.

Goofball: Is she going to be okay?

Ozzie: Yeah, I think so. We'll be in a hospital, so if anything goes wrong, there will be doctors ready to help out.

Goofball: Good. I worry about her. Not eating chocolate. Wobbling around the house. Very strange an unnatural behaviors, if you ask me.

Ozzie: And who wouldn't ask you, Goofball? You're an important part of Harriet's life.

Goofball: Yeah, I am. I am. She's lucky that you bought me and brought me back home. And you're lucky too. I reckon I've earned you more than a few kisses.

Ozzie: Lucky, Goofball, or crafty? Or a man of excellent taste in bears?

Goofball: True. True. You know what I don't worry about, Ozzie?

Ozzie: What's that, Goofball?

Goofball: Our friendship. I think we'll be friends for a long time.

Ozzie: Yup. That sounds about right to me.

Goofball: It's going to change though, isn't it?

Ozzie: Yup.

Goofball: A whole lot?

Ozzie: More than either of us can imagine.