The Zebra Infestation

Sadly, we have yet to rid our household of the zebra infestation. Zebras are sufficiently rare that the general populace does not give zebras much thought. To the extent that people consider zebras, I suspect that they consider zebras well decorated horses and generally well behaved. The empirical evidence collected over the past few weeks indicates that while zebras may be attractive, they are loud, rambunctious and generally undomesticated. I do not possess sufficient control over the situation in the household to test this hypothesis, but my educated guess is that the zebras feed off one another and possessing multiple zebras at once is worse than a series of isolated zebras. That is, the mayhem caused by zebras is multiplicative rather than additive.

The effect of the cacophony of running, eating, and neighing is quite maddening. The baseline level of chaos in this household makes it difficult for me to work, but the zebra inflated pandemonium is unbearable and beginning to wear upon my sanity.



This picture accurately depicts the situation in our household on many levels. First, you will notice that there is a zebra in the picture. The reason that a zebra appears in the photo is because it is hard to find a space where a zebra is not present. The zebras are everywhere. Second, the photo also depicts bananas. While bananas are not ubiquitous, they serve as an apt metaphor for my frayed nerves. Listen to the barking neigh of the zebras again. Now imagine a house full of hyperactive zebras attempting to talk over one another. Try as you might, it is impossible to imagine the pain and anguish we all suffer by living with a zebra infestation. Finally, the juxtaposition of wild animal and human consumables evokes parasites and diseases. Zebras have been problematic disease vectors in the United States and implicated in the introduction of at least 36 arthropod borne diseases (see Table 1). These diseases largely effect livestock, which are thankfully absent from our household. However, the fact remains that feral animals are unsanitary and should not cohabitate with humans.



This photo captures my mental anguish. First, the zebras have infiltrated the library, which has always been my sanctuary. There is now truly no place for me to retreat and find solace and convalescence. Second, the zebra is hanging out with mystery books. How the zebras came to be in the household is a mystery. How to be rid of the zebras is a mystery. At this moment in time, I do not much care for mysteries along these lines. I would like simple and direct answers ...

... and a little peace and quiet.

Love is in the air

Um ... hello! How are you? Um ... we're doing pretty well here at Furry Thoughts for Fuzzy Times. Yeah, yeah. Ozzie told Goofball that he loved him. Oooh, it was very sweet. It represents a real detente in our relationship with Ozzie. Usually he's kind of grumpy and unfriendly and ... um ... well, a pillowhead. He once told me that he would rather spend an evening eating glass popsicles and listening to Wagnerian opera performed by middle schoolers rather than talk to me for five minutes. I don't think he meant it, but it wasn't a very nice thing to say. I happen to like chatting and everyone I talk to agrees that I am very good at it.

Um ... hmmm ... um ... where was I? Oh yeah, Ozzie loves Goofball. You know, that moment made my heart go pitter-pat. It's so nice to see a grown man bond with his bear. But ... um ... it also made me a little sad because Ozzie has never said that he loves me. In fact, he ... um ... has gone out of the way to say that he doesn't love me. The closest he has ever come to paying me a compliment is saying that I would make a very quiet door stop. Um ... yeah, I didn't like the sound of that very much either. But you know, he doesn't actually use me as a Swiffer. And he helps us blog. And he helps design our t-shirts. I think his actions speak louder than his words. Oooh, oooh, you might even say that his bark is worse than his bite. ... That's funny because I'm a dog. ... um ... no one seems to be laughing at my joke. Um ... moving on, if Ozzie is feeling weak and being free with the sweet nothings, then I figure I should strike while the sheets are clean.

Ozzie! Oooh, Ozzie! Ooooooozie! Ozzie!

Ozzie: I'm right here, Wagsy.

So you are. Fancy that. How are you today?

Ozzie: A little tired, but nothing out of the ordinary.

A little tired are we? ... (Watch how I subtlely move in for the pounce) ... Are you tired of all the games people play ... um ... you know, saying one thing and acting another?

Ozzie: Maybe. Really, I just did a lot of data cleaning today. I didn't interact with people much.

So ... um ... you're seeking the love and companionship of a loyal bear?

Ozzie: No. No, I was thinking of maybe catching the tail end of a basketball game. Maybe catch up on some correspondence.

Say you love me, Ozzie!

Ozzie: No, --

No, you won't say it, but you actually mean it?

Ozzie: No, --

Oooh, oooh! So you will say it! He just said it.

Ozzie: I said no such thing. This place is crazy.

But you don't deny it, do you? Oooh, oooh! He's not denying it! He's not denying it.

Ozzie: I don't love you, Wagsy!

I don't believe it. I'll make you answer a simple question. Do you love me?

Ozzie: No.

Um ... just answer my question, Ozzie. Do you love me?

Ozzie: No.

Let's see, what did Goofball ask next? ... okay, I'll speak very slowly so you can understand me, cheesecake butt (I just threw that part in), do ... you ... um ... love me?

Ozzie: No! And will you please leave me alone?!

What's wrong, Ozzie? You told Goofball you loved him the other day.

Ozzie: Wagsy, I'm not in the mood for this game right now. Please just -- OW! What on Earth was that?

Um ... George came to defend my honor! I love my bunny George. And he must love me because he came to protect me!

Ozzie: That really hurt. That freakish bunny of your just punched me in the eye!

Yeah, yeah, he does that sometimes. He spars with Lobby and he gets mad when he loses staring contests. Yeah, George is the enforcer of the household. ... And he did it just for me!

Ozzie: I think he scratched my cornea. My eye really hurts.

Um ... are you okay, Ozzie?

Ozzie: No, I'm not okay.

He didn't mean to hurt you. At least I don't think he meant it.

Ozzie: What you mean? The bunny jumped up and punched me in the eye. ... What am I saying? I just got beat up by a frickin' stuffed bunny! ... I'm going downstairs.

Goodbye, Ozzie! I hope your eye feels better.

Um ... that conversation didn't go quite as I planned. Um ... Ozzie didn't say that he loves me, but George defended me. Oooh, I love my bunny. George usually looks grumpy and doesn't say that he loves me, but I know that he does. Actions speak louder than words you know.

Oooh, oooh! And Ozzie gave me George. That must mean that he loves me, too! Oh, this has been a very good day.

I love you, Ozzie!

Ozzie: Get bent you over stuffed bath mat!

Well, that wasn't a very nice way to end the post. Was it?

A Question

Ozzie, Ozzie, come here.

Ozzie: Yeah, Goofball, what do you want?

You know Valentine's Day was yesterday and I see that you didn't buy any flowers.

Ozzie: I was a little busy on Tuesday with teaching and consulting. I didn't really get around to it.

You don't think that you might have offended someone by not buying flowers? People usually get mad at you for things you say or do, but there are sins of omission you know.

Ozzie: Don't worry, Goofball. I cleared it with Harriet before. She understands.

She wasn't the one I was thinking of.

Ozzie: Oh, you think that I should have bought Buffy and Amelia flowers? I've never done it before, but that's not a half-bad idea. But I would feel a little silly buying flowers for teddy bears. And I don't think they really expected it.

No, no, no. I'm talking about me. Why didn't you buy me flowers?!

Ozzie: Well, uh, gee, I, well, for starters, I didn't know that you wanted flowers. Do you even like flowers?

Not really, but that's beside the point. It's the thought that counts. Why didn't you buy me flowers ... or the equivalent?

Ozzie: I don't know what to say, Goofball. I've never thought of buying my teddy bear flowers before.

Don't you love me?

Ozzie: Where did this come from? If I wanted needy affirmation, I would have had a beer with the graduate students.

Just answer my question, Ozzie. Do you love me?

Ozzie: Is something wrong, Goofball? I don't understand.

It's a simple question, but I'll ask it slowly so you can understand. Do ... you ... love ... me?

Ozzie: Wow, you're really upset about something. Yes, yes, I do love you, Goofball.

Good, I love you, too, Ozzie. I just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page. A bear can't go investing his emotional energies into relationships and then have the rug pulled out from under him.

Ozzie: Are you going to tell me what this is all about?

Well, you know, I just the feeling that things are going to change. And I don't like change. Not one bit. As far as I am concerned, everything should be frozen in time just like it is now. I'm happy, you're happy, Harriet is happy, everyone is happy. Why fix the boat if it ain't leaking?

Ozzie: Do you want to see Buffy become famous?

Oh, you bet! I want nothing but the best for that girl.

Ozzie: Well, if we stopped the clock last year, we wouldn't have seen Buffy land that modeling job. Did you enjoy meeting and training Bear and Pi?

Why are you asking these questions? You know I adore those kids. I was a little sad to see them go, but they were excited to go meet their new families.

Ozzie: Why was it okay to see them go?

You know it is kind of the life cycle of teddy bears. You get purchased from the store, you go home with responsible people who treat you nicely but nevr really get attached, and then you're given to some slobbery creature that is going to bite you and abuse you. But hopefully, that kid will bond with you and you'll have your person. That's kind of the way it works and Bear and Pi had to go find their people.

Ozzie: See, not all change is bad.

I reckon you have a point there, Ozzie. But I still don't have to like change. By and large, it is bad for the bears.

Ozzie: Would I have told you that I love you last year?

No, no I don't think you would have. And I appreciate you saying it.

Ozzie: Yeah, please don't make me say it again.

As long as you always love me, big fella.

Ozzie: Deal.

Happy Valentines Day to Me

Like I was kinda bummed this Valentine's Day. Normally I like have someone to project my emotions onto. But like this Valentine's Day, I'm just not feeling it. Last year I was on Brad Pitt like an aardvark on ants on honey. I totally don't regret anything that was said or done -- this aardvark doesn't look in the rearview mirror -- but I just don't feel the same way about anyone right now. Is it possible that there isn't anyone in this world worthy of an innocent crush right now? I've looked around, but everyone seems deficient in some way. Jude Law is a big old skank. Viggo Mortensen seems too moody. Harrison Ford turned like 900 this year. I still think that Ted might be smarter than the actor who played him, at least he didn't take himself too seriously. Nicolas Cage went out and married someone younger than I am, which is way creepy. It really seems like there is noone worthy of a crush.

Either that or that aren't famous enough to help my career. I mean it is totally possible that every high school in this nation has some local hottie that every girl swoons over. But like ... what do I care? I mean that kid might end up being an insurance adjuster or something. And I'm sure that is a perfectly fine job for the former letterman varisty athlete dude, but like it isn't very glamorous. If I am going to make the emotional leap to have a crush on someone I hardly know, that someone better be really famous.

Maybe I'm the one who changed. Maybe I have outgrown crushes. I mean this time last year, I never would have dreamed that I would have my own high fashion ad campaign. Okay, I lied. I totally dreamed it. I was sure that I was going to be famous and thought about it all the time. It didn't happen quite the way I thought it would. I figured I would fire my publicist. That just seemed pro forma. I mean, what star doesn't fire their agent or publicist or friend. I mean how cool is that? Stars can fire their friends! That totally rocks. But like I didn't have an agent and Amelia isn't going anywhere (she's my *rock*), so the publicist had to go. But I kinda thought I would land a gig with CK and not some lame start up company from a totally depressing area of the world. They totally held up their end of the bargain my getting my face all over th NYC, but like I dreamed bigger. I'm sure it is going to happen.

So like I was down for a while and wondering what I needed. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that I have got pretty much everything I need. I get to hang with my best friend, Amelia, pretty much all day every day. She's always there for me, is totally hilarious, and keeps me out of trouble. And Harriet and I are still tight. I mean we've been together all these years and we haven't gotten tired of each other yet. My career may not be A-list glamorous, but I figure I have like a decent shot of getting a corner square on Hollywood Squares, or maybe one of the rows. If I don't ever make the center square, that's okay, you know? Really, when all the ants are out of the ant hill, I'm pretty happy with who I am and where I am going and who I'm going with.

So like, this is a Valentine for me and everyone in my family. I totally adore all of you (and I think I'm pretty cute, myself *giggle*).

Zounds!

Holy mackrel are there a lot of zebras in the house! Everywhere I turn I see a zebra. There are zebras in the kitchen, zebras in the family room, and zebras in the bedroom. The zebras have found their way into pretty much every nook and cranny in this house. This zebra infestation is a new phenomenon. We didn't used to have a problem with zebras. They just kind of came into the house and set up shop. At first they were a little shy and were hiding behind things.



But once they figured out that we are a friendly bunch and wouldn't hurt them, they made themselves at home and started running all over the place. You can't turn around without laying eyes on a zebra. The effect is kind of unnerving, to be perfectly honest. All these beady eyes watching everything you do. It is enough to make a bear paranoid ... but you aren't paranoid if hoardes of feral zebras really are watching you!

And I think they know they are getting under our skin. They tease us. They run amuck and play with our emotions. Here is one sitting in a glass bowl from Murano.



I can't imagine sitting in that bowl because no one in the house is allowed to touch it! When guests come, the bowl is put away in a padded box and treated like the Q-bomb from The Mouse that Roared. These destructive little zebras are sitting in the most fragile thing in the house (other than Pudgie's psyche) just to put us on edge. The gall! The nerve!

So I've decided that we've got to put an end to this zebra infestation. I did a quick google search to see if our zebra problem was like bird flu and spreading throughout the world. Apparently, zebra mussels are a major problem, but there is no mention of regular zebras. I tried explaining to the guys in the house that only zebra mussels infest areas. Since these zebras aren't mussels there couldn't be an infestation and they should just go home. QED. Sound logic, right? Well the zippity-doo-dah zebras didn't pay attention and continued to tear around with no concern for personal property and personal space.

No wonder zebras are endangered.

Zebra Invasion!

Um ... hello! It was a very busy week here in the bed. Harriet and Ozzie spent a lot of time at work, so we had to entertain ourselves. Usually that isn't very hard, because, well, we like napping, and cuddling, and reading, and napping some more, and singing, and, did I mention that we like napping? Yeah, yeah. But for some reason, one of us decided to open the door and some small furry creatures rushed into the house! Oooh! It was very scary. We could hear rustling and things breaking in the kitchen, but we didn't know what to do.

I wanted to hide. There I said it. I did. I did want to hide. Under the covers. Nothing can get you when you are under the covers. It is true, you know. Bed sheets are sprinkled with pixie dust that keeps monsters away. It was probably just mice downstairs and I don't think sheets work against mice, but just in case they were monsters, I wanted to hide under the covers.

Goofball and Buffy wanted to go welcome our new visitors ...

Buffy: Like what type of hosts would we be if we didn't go downstairs and say hello? Like we'd be totally lame hosts.

Goofball: I agree with the aardvark. We don't get very many visitors in The Bend and we should hold onto everyone who comes through this door. I don't care who it is. I'd give a big hug and a high five to Paul Reubens if he stepped into the room right now.

Buffy: Oh my god, wasn't he like that disturbed man-child actor from the 80s? Like I don't know what I'd do if I met him because like he used to be a star and hot, but then it turned out that he was a real creep and he isn't really famous anymore. And you'd think that the creep unfamous part would win out, but he liked entertained a generation of young children and I totally loved his performance in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That death scene still cracks me up.

Goofball: Yeah, we all know how you feel about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy.

Buffy: Like I don't know where you are going with that, but like I'm going to cut you off right there, cuz I was like named waaaaaay before 1992. I don't like to talk about how old I am, because I think what is important is how old you feel on the inside and stuff, but I am totally not named after the movie. I just like it. They could have named the main character "Jessica" and I still would have liked it. It wouldn't have been as good a movie or anything, but it still would have been entertaining.

Goofball: Okay, okay. Just sayin' you like the movie.

Buffy: As if. Whatever. Like what are we going to do about the ruffians downstairs?

Wagsy Um ... I still think we shoud hide. Maybe they will be get tired and leave us alone. Or maybe they will get tired and take a nap. I like meeting new people when they are napping.

Goofball: You don't get out much, do you?

Wagsy: Um, no, no I don't.

Goofball: It shows. That is one of the worst ideas I have heard. Now don't get me wrong, I like napping as much as the next bear, but you can't meet someone for the first time when they are napping. Everyone seems nice napping. I bet if you took a picture of Hitler and Ghandi napping, they would both look pretty sweet. It was what they were doing when they were awake that made the difference!

Wagsy: Yeah, but, um ..., how do we know they are nice? There is a lot of activity going on downstairs and, um ... breakage. We might not have bear friendly visitors.

Goofball: I reckon that Wagsy has a point there. We are left with something of a connumdrum. Iffin we go downstairs and meet our uninvited guests, then we might be turned into bird nestin' material.

Wagsy: Oooh!

Goofball: But if we don't go downstairs and see what is cookin', then maybe we will miss out meeting someone nice.

Buffy: Or famous.

Goofball: Or famous. I dont see how we get around this dilemma.

Pudgie: May I suggest an expedition?

Wagsy: Oooh, an expedition sounds nice. Are we going to run away from the vistors?

Pudgie: (sigh) A small bear experienced in travel and espionage could sneak downstairs, see what is going on, and report back to us on the situation. You could then make a more informed decision as to whether to greet the new arrivals.

Goofball: I knew there was a reason we called you Professor!

Buffy: Like you mean it's not just a reference to Gilligan's Island? Like I always thought that Pudgie was the professor, I was Ginger, and Amelia was Mary Ann. Gladstone is Thurston Howell III and like I was never quite sure who was Mrs. Howell. But like it all worked out pretty well before that, you know?

Pudgie: I am offended to be mentioned in the same sentence as a character from Gilligan's Island. I am a scholar, not some ridiculous, over used archetype on a hackneyed sitcom that was trite before its time.

Goofball: Whooo-wee! Buffy seems to have touched a nerve there, professor. Drop those coconuts, Gilligan! That joke never got old. Don't feel bad though, Pudgie, at least you were the smart one on the island. Poor stuffy over there was likened to the Millionaire. Hey, you got an opinion on the subject of Gilligan's Island, Stuffy?!

Gladstone: I am making a concerted effort to ignore your humdrum conversation and take solace in the pink pages of the Financial Times.

Pudgie: Once again I made the mistake of interacting with you cretins and trying to be helpful.

Goofball: You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Pudgie: That was Einstein and I am retiring to my study.

Goofball: Getting back on target, I think Pudgie's idea is great and I nominate the bunny.

Wagsy: I second the nomination. Um ... what did we nominate George for?

Goofball: To go downstairs and see who or what is going on.

Wagsy: Ooh! Not my George. What if they try to eat him?

Goofball: He's a trained CIA agent, he won't get caught.

Wagsy: Um ... do we know this for a fact? I mean, I've always kind of suspected that he is a CIA agent, but ... um ... what would one be doing here? I mean, we aren't exactly a hot bed of subversives. But ... what if something happens to George? I would never forgive myself.

Goofball: He's a grown bunny. Why don't you let him make the decision?

Wagsy: Um ... okay. That seems fair. Where is he? George? Geor-ge! I don't know where my bunny is.

Um ... I didn't know it at the time, but George had already sneaked downstairs to see what was causing the commotion. He's very brave. I'm still not convinced he's a CIA agent, but it is possible.

Um ... when George came back he told us that zebras had invaded the house. At first we were very excited, but then he said that they were feral zebras and running amuck. We had a zebra infestation! We've never been infested with zebras before. I've been up to my neck in pillows (that was nice) and I've been in a room full of Wagsys (oh, that was really nice), but I have never seen a wild zebra infestation. Um ... come to think of it, I do't think I have ever met a feral teddy bear before either.

So we decided to go downstairs and meet our house guests, but they weren't really in the mood for talking. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how many zebras were in the house. They were running all over the place and hard to count. We finally cornered two zebras and I tried to say greet them in a way they would understand.



What better way to say hello than with a lobster on your head? I think it is really a pretty universal symbol of hospitality. It's kind of like pineapples, only friendlier. Um ... I don't think the zebras understood because they ran off pretty quickly.

I don't know how we are going to explain this to Harriet and Ozzie.

Super Bowl XLackluster

Phooey! The SuperBowl is usually one of the greatest couch sittin' days of the year. Lots of high quality commercials to watch and some decent football. Well ... it didn't work out that way this year, did it? The commercials were a big yawn and both football teams were too nervous to play well. After the past few Super Bowls, I've thought to myself, "Couldn't every day be Super Bowl Sunday?" This year, I wanted my four hours back. Yes, the game was that bad.

So what am I going to blog about now? It was mighty inconsiderate of the NFL not to provide better blogging material. I'll have to come up with something original to say rather than simply being reactive. I reckon I could do a better job being original if it wasn't so late in the evening.



How about a picture of me in a Santa hat? Now doesn't that just cheer you up? I reckon I look mighty cute in a Santa hat. And it works on multiple levels, you see? Santa gives presents, and here I am giving you a picture that will give you something to smile about.

Okay, okay. I know going back to the picture vault is a cheap tactic and I can do better. What can I say, I'm tired. Rather than napping, I was watching the pre-game and then the game and the post-game. Watching all that TV will make a bear tired.

Not that I am complaining, mind you. I suppose I have it pretty good here. Harriet hugs me a lot. All my friends live here. There is our weekly game of canasta. Things are pretty dry and clean in the house. Yup, I have it better than 99% of the bears out there. If you don't believe me, check out this video:



Now there is a bear living on the edge of danger. As if being hauled around by your ear isn't bad enough, the drooling little monster wants to feed the poor little bear to hungry dogs. That is NOT the life for me. Nosirreee bob. No way, no how do I want to get any where near one of those bear destroying little gremlins. And what is wrong with that mother? She seems perfectly content for the infant to be traumatized by watching his best friend be torn limb from limb by those dogs. That borders on criminal neglect. Wouldn't happen in this house. No children and no dogs. Every day I thank my lucky stars that Ozzie and Harriet are without child. I suppose they are a little sad about that, but the silver lining is that there is a lot of time for the bears.

Of course, that big ol' body pillow is taking up most of the bed. Gotta figure out how to get rid of that thing.

Live Blogging the Body Pillow

Um ... hello! How are you? Um ... I hope you are well. Um ... this isn't a very interactive medium, so I don't know why I said that. I suppose it can be an interactive medium, but I really shouldn't expect a reply to that question. Um ... um ... you know, having stuffin' for brains isn't always a good thing.

Um ... anyways, we have a new addition to the bed today. Yeah, yeah, Ozzie finally got off his butt and ordered Harriet's birthday present. Oooh, we are very excited that it arrived.



Um ... it's really big. We weren't really expecting that. Um ... it looks comfy and all, but ... um ... it is really Big. Where are all the bears going to fit?

Goofball: What is this "we" business. I was against this present from the start! There is a limited amount of space on the bed, so when something new arrives, something old has to leave, and I do NOT want to be the old thing that leaves!

Um ... yeah, yeah, you did make that point. And you were out voted. But ... um ... well ... you might have been right.

Goofball: Might?! Might! I MIGHT have been right?! I was right you over stuffed dust mop!

Oooh! Oooh! Um ... oooh! I don't think there is any reason to get personal, Goofball. Oooh! Who are you calling dust mop, buster?

Goofball: The white collection of lint and dust bunnies sitting in front of me.

Hey, hey, hey! Um ... hey! Stop that. This is my post, you can insult me another time. Or start your own post. Um ... let's just say that mistakes were made and we're going to move on.

Goofball: Hmmph, move onto the floor is more like it.

Hey! I heard that. Um ... that is a nice feature of the internet, I can hear everything anyone says. It's like I have super powers.



Um ... on closer inspection, the pillow is really big. Um ... it's like the length of five aardvarks and five armadillos combined. I measurement might be off by a few bunnies, though. I'm not much of an engineer. Um ... the pillow does look very soft.



You know, I think the real question isn't where the bears will sleep, but where Ozzie and Harriet will sleep. The body pillow is really comfy. It's soft, and warm, and there is room for all my friends. Yeah, yeah. This just might work out afterall.



Help! Help! We're being attacked! The pillow is eating us! We're being smooshed by a giant, comfy body pillow. Amelia and Buffy have been eaten up entirely. Um ... hello! ... hello? Um ... help! Help? Um ... isn't anyone going to come and save us?



Oh, hi Moose! Hi Platy. How are you?

Platy: I'm brown. I'm round. And I'm upside down.

Moose: Moose!

Ooh, how are we? Um ... I'm okay. Um ... I suppose we are being eaten by a giant pillow and that isn't very furry. It is comfy though. Yeah, yeah. If you needed to choose a way to die, being eaten by a giant foam pillow isn't that bad.

Moose: Moose!

Oooh, you're right, Moose. We shouldn't keep the pillow waiting. We don't want to anger such a large item on the bed.

Um ... goodbye, I suppose. We'll blog again real soon. Um ... maybe after we extract ourselves from this giant pillow. Oooh!