Coachin' Couch Sittin'

Hi there. Goofball here. Don't know why I emphasized the distance between the reader and me, the author. Odd way to start a post, huh? Normally, I like my readers to feel like a big old family, but for some reason I subconsciously felt the need to highlight the wall between author and reader. Maybe it is because I have been doing a lot of spectating recently. Usually the Goofball is an active and engaged spectator, but recently I have been kinda sitting on my soft be-hind just watching the world go by.

Some of it has to do with what has been on television lately. For instance, I spent all weekend watching the NFL draft with Ozzie. Now you'd think the NFL draft would be gripping television. Multimillion dollar corporations are bidding over the rights to people. You also get to watch beefy young men celebrate becoming millionaires. It also concerns the best part of sports, the dream that your team might be better next season. So if a program combines the drama of a slave auction, lottery winning, football, and the hope of true fans, how could I now be thoroughly engrossed in the programming? I'll tell you how: make the first round of the draft take six hours long, that's how. Talk about a snooze fest. I never thought I'd tell Ozzie, "Change the channel to golf, because football stinks," but that is exactly what I did. Ozzie didn't care, he just sat there coding data ignoring my pain and the insipid ramblings of the commentators. So I sat there bored and nothing better to do than compose haikus:

The NFL draft
should not cause my eyes to glaze
Give me the remote

I've also been observing all the training that the young bears have been given. I'm just a baby bear myself, so I don't have a lot to contribute to the discussion to be honest. Part of me wishes that I had received such training. I mean I've never seen Wagsy spill buttermilk on the floor. I would have paid good money to see that. And part of me thinks all this training is nonsense. I mean, you just gotta be yourself and dance to the rhythm that's played. Being a charming and cuddly super bear, like myself, is just something that comes naturally or it doesn't.

At any rate, I figured if Bear and Pi were gonna have their heads filled with nonsense, it might as well be my nonsense. So I took them aside for some useful lessons. Couch sittin' is one of the most important parts of the day for a bear. It might seem easy, but there are tricks of the trade I can pass onto the all newer fibers.



For starters, you gotta make yourself comfortable. That means wriggling your behind into the faux suede. Some bears just jump onto the couch, but they aren't savoring the experience. It is all about becoming one with the couch.

Second, you have to control the remote. If you don't control the remote, you might be subjected to programming like Bass Masters or golf or the NFL draft. And you have to be careful, many households have more than one remote. Better to grab all of them, because you don't know what device people might be usin'. You'll notice in the picture above, I'm holdin' both the remote to the TV and the VCR/DVD combo. You can't be too prepared.

Finally, you need company. Watching TV alone is the sign of a problem. No one can appreciate your wry observations when you're by yourself. In a group, it is a witty retort. By yourself, you're just talking to yourself and that ain't healthy. People say that TV is a passive medium, but it doesn't have to be. The Goofball is almost always thinking about what he's watching.

Drop those coconuts!
Skipper needs to shut his yap.
Ginger ain't that hot.

It ain't just spectating. It is spectating AND spectulating. Now that is a lesson that a young bear needs to know.

Viscous Liquids Training

Um ... hello. I was put in charge of training Bear and Pi about dealing with dangerous baby juices. Um ... I'm not quite sure how I got that particular job. I was busy napping and I woke up on the kitchen floor with a set of instructions. Shanghaied by my own friends! Ooh! At least I didn't wake up with a tattoo or smelling of cigarette smoke or in the Navy or all of the above. I think I would look pretty cute in a sailors outfit, but ships don't seem very clean.

Um ... anyways, so I found myself on the kitchen floor and the instruction sheet said to teach Bear and Pi self-preservation skills around babies. Really, I don't know how I got this job. I try to avoid babies whenever possible. Ooh ... just thinking about children makes my fur tingle. Very scary. I had to be properly equipped for the job, so I put on my "Lobster is my friend" t-shirt. I like the shirt because it is true, lobby is my friend. He's very friendly. I think he likes everyone, but that only makes the t-shirt more useful because so many people could wear it. But right then, I was happy about the t-shirt because it might protect me from viscous liquids.

I also needed to find appropriate head gear for my hazardous assignment.

Um ... too small.	Ooh! Too big.
Size is okay, but, um ... the holes are worrisome.	Just right and I'm ready to Rock and Roll.

Um ... so now that I had the proper equipment for the job, it was time to pick a stand-in for baby juices. The kitchen is full of potentially staining liquids. I'm a coward, so it couldn't stain a bear too easily. And I wanted to be a good teacher, so I had to find a liquid that would accurately mimic the foul liquids that babies can produce. I finally decided on buttermilk. It is white, like me, and sticky kinda like ... um ... kinda like babies in general.

So I called for Bear and Pi to teach a simple lesson: Run. Run like the wind. Run as fast as your furry legs will carry you. Cowardice preserves the polyester.

Don't try this at home kids. Your parents won't be happy.	Be careful! Baby juices on the floor!
Roll away from the danger as quickly as possible.	Hide in a safe place until the liquid mess has been cleaned up.

The most fascinating thing is that before I could give Bear and Pi any instructions, they had already rolled away from the danger and hid behind me. Such smart bears. Um ... if such behavior is instinctive, I don't know why I had to put myself in danger in the kitchen. Um ... guys, why did I have to do this? Um ... hello?

All that is Furry is not Bear Friendly

Over the millennia, canines and other animals evolved to please humans. Canines look friendly and happy to see people. They are also easily trained to perform useful tasks. Once canines were domesticated, selective breeding sped up the degree to which dogs satisfied human aesthetic and functional desires. Not surprisingly, when humans design teddy bears, we frequently resemble dogs. We are furry, we smile, and we are always happy to see our owners. Thankfully, bears are not cursed with bad odor, misbehavior, and general high maintenance requirements of house pets. Thus, teddy bears are in most every respect, superior to house pets.

However, house pets still pose grave danger to teddy bears. Do not be fooled by their warm eyes, friendly smile, and furry coats. They are polyester ripping machines bent on rending teddy bears limb from limb, whose sole pleasure is to sadistically torture innocent teddy bears. I suppose dogs also enjoy chasing after sticks, rooting around for decaying animal matter, and licking body parts, but none of those activities involve teddy bears. Dogs do not seek to play chess with teddy bears. Dogs do not form Aristotle reading groups with teddy bears. Teddy bears only represent a munching bag to dogs.

Dogs are Dangerous

Canine teeth may not be razor sharp, yet the side-to-side motion is remarkably effective at tearing even double stitched joints. Dogs are also slobbery and prone to rug staining events. Paws are also a source of mud and potential tears.

Associating with young children is an occupational hazard for a teddy bear, but house pets are an unnecessary danger. The secret to longevity is to avoid interactions with domesticated animals whenever possible.

Silk sheets

Ooh! Today is a very big day. My hopes and dreams will be answered. I hope that silk sheets are everything my furry brain thought they would be. When your career aspiration is napping, you have to strive for something. I happened to choose silk sheets.

Someone might say it is materialistic, but ... um ... I think it is aesthetic. I like soft things. What could be softer than silk sheets?

Um ... what's that George? ... Yes, Goofball is also very soft. ... I dunno, he might be softer than silk sheets. We'll be able to see tonight! Ooh, it is so exciting. Goofball versus silk sheets in an epic throw pillow down. Ooh, down throw pillows would be very nice, too.

Um ... what's that Goofball? ... No, we're not going to get rid of you if the silk sheets happen to be softer. ... Yes, I know you have more personality than an entire silk factory. ... Oooh! Oooh! That wasn't very polite, Goofball. That was so rude, I don't even know how to respond. Um ... um ...

See what happens when you work towards something like silk sheets? Jealousies are brought out and your softness and furriness is impugned.

The Promise and Danger of Small Children

Lectures and intellectual discourse are excellent means of conveying information in many settings. However, the many aspects of baby bear training are best accomplished through hands on activities and visual aids rather than exegesis. Drawing inspiration from an unlikely source, I crafted "cuddling dummies." [Note: Football coaches utilize tackling dummies in the course of practice. Our purpose is less violent, but just as hands on.]

A teddy bear's relationship with small children contains a complicated assortment of competing pressures. On the one hand, a bear's goal is to play with his or her person as much as possible in order to make the child happy. On the other hand, young children tend to destroy play things, until hitting age 25 or so. Self-preservation is not a teddy bear's primary concern. Indeed, bears are happy to fly through the air crashing into block houses, take ill advised swims in puddles, and share viscous meal-times in order to please the young child. However, the rapid demise and deterioration of a teddy bear brings negative utility to the child. The proper goal of each teddy bear is to find the appropriate equilibrium of (ab)use and maintenance that maximizes the long term happiness of the child. Such a delicate balance is a daunting task for a baby bear.

Tickle roughly here.	The cuddling dummy is a crude, but effective means of making the realities of interacting with a small child more concrete. Important anatomical features can be pointed out.
Notice the smiling.	For instance, the nose and mouth are the source of many liquids that destroy the softness of fur. Bellies and the underside of chins are good places to tickle. The models also emphasize the dirtiness of young children, as depicted by the mold growing on the cuddling dummy.

Despite the mayhem and physical danger, the child will be your best friend and raison d'etre. In fact, the destructive episodes are precisely the moments that bring teddy bear and child closer together. No human looks back fondly on a toy he or she never used. Raising America's youth is a dangerous job, and it falls to noble teddy bears like Bear and Pi to rise to the challenge. I hope my cuddling dummy visual aids were marginally useful in preparing the two young pips for their upcoming duties.

Psychology 101

One of the first things a new bear needs to know is psychology. The most natural place to begin in psychology is with Freud. While I do not believe that children suffer from Oedipal complexes, I do think Freud offers a useful framework in which to think about psychology in two senses.

Bear and Pi are introduced to Psychology The natural place to begin is Freud Introducing the bears to the text The young scholars confer on the subtext Now it is time to analyze the supertext

First, the primary critique of psycho-analytic techniques is that the process is time consuming, expensive, and not focused upon changing concrete behaviors. However, none of these are problems for young teddy bears. With any luck, a young teddy bear will be the friend and companion to his or her person for many years. Listening to a young person's hopes, dreams, fears, problems, and frustrations is a natural outgrowth of the relationship. Teddy bears do not charge for listening and offering up advice. The teddy bear loves and accepts his or her person unconditionally, and will gladly spend hours discussing the day's events. The teddy bear's goal is to provide the health and welfare of the owner; changing a given behavior on a set time schedule is not important. In fact, one could argue that teddy bears are ideal psycho-therapists. Not only are the services free, but the level of trust and understanding between teddy bear and person far exceeds any doctor / patient relationship.

Freud is also useful for interpreting literature. His analyses of dreams may have little empirical support as a psychological tool, but they provide an excellent framework for understanding literary techniques. The great books are crafted to be interpreted on multiple levels. If a bear is to grow with the person, a teddy bear must be equipped to understand fiction on many different levels simultaneously.

After providing some brief background information, I introduced Bear and Pi to the text itself. Both bears were entranced and began asking excellent questions. Pi wondered whether bears were totems. Bear questioned the capacity of teddy bears for waking judgment and purposive ideas.

While the questions were somewhat offensive to the free will of bears, I could not have been more proud. I was slightly concerned that Bear and Pi were more interested in the psychology of teddy bears than human children, but with gentle prodding, I managed to turn the discussion back on track. Both of the young bears were attentive and excellent listeners. I'm sure the new owners will find them to be wonderful confidants.

Training the new recruits

As Wagsy mentioned a few days ago, we have been very busy training new bears. One might suppose that pedagogy is of little value to a teddy bear, but that viewpoint is mistaken. A good teddy bear is both a companion and a guide in a young child's journeys. A more erudite guide will create a happier and healthier child than a young bear simply thrown into active duty.

Meet our two newest students, "Bear" and "Pi." Past experience has suggested that young children form a tighter bond with teddy bears they name themselves. Thus, we refrain from providing full names to our recruits, lest it cause a cognitive disconnect and alienation in the baby teddy bear.

	Bear is a bright eyed and eager student whose softness rivals virgin Mongolian cashmere. Bear has an excellent sense of humor, showed an affinity for Mozart, and exhibited a real concern for broader social issues.
	Pi is a truculent fellow. Boisterous and gregarious, Pi used humor and argumentation to hide his nervousness and insecurity. Needless to say, Pi liked Brahms.

Usually we train bears one at a time, but a coincidence in fertility led to two friends of Ozzie and Harriet giving birth at roughly the same time. In retrospect, I think the classroom approach worked well. Bear and Pi bonded and provided support for one another during their course of study. Over the years, I have trained a great many bears. I have experimented with various instructional techniques and adapted to the challenges facing modern bears. However, there are lessons that are best learned from peers and not instructors.

For instance, I had nothing to contribute to a discussion as to whether or not "Lil Bowwow" was furry or not furry.

And while I could lecture on the importance of cooperation from an economic perspective, the opportunity for Bear and Pi to work together on concrete tasks helped to cement the lessons. The environment proved so conducive to learning that we will probably endeavor to educate baby bears in groups in the future.

We'll try to post the progress of Bear and Pi on a regular basis.

Speaking of progress, Wagsy wanted me to post the following map. I don't approve of Wagsy's obsession with luxury goods, such as silk sheets and cable TV, but I recognize the web log is a communal endeavor, and I will comply with his request.

Ocean's Eleven

Like, since it looks like Brad and Jennifer might be split up for good, I decided to remind myself of how good Brad Pitt looks. So I watched Ocean's Eleven last night. Oh my god, Brad and George look totally hot. Sizzling. Like I almost passed out from the heat coming from the screen. George might be a little old for me, but I can like still admire the merchandise, alright?

I really admire the writers of Ocean's Eleven because like they knew what was important to the movie and what wasn't.

Important: George and Brad looking good. When Matt Damon is ugliest person on the screen, you have to be doing something right. Of course, I think he looks like the pasty psychopath next door, but someone must think he's cute. I mean, why else would they keep putting him in movies?

Not Important: Dialogue. Like all it could do is distract from how hot my guys look. Any time I spend thinking about what they are saying is time I am not thinking about how good they look. But you want them like saying something, so I can see their lips move. Then I can imagine them saying smart things like, "Buffy, you are the most beautiful aardvark I have ever laid eyes on."

Important: Clothing. Brad's outfits are edgy and hip. George goes for a more classic style. But the guy with the coolest clothing is Andy Garcia. I always thought that Andy Garcia was kinda hot, but he like totally blossoms into aardvark mind melting hotness in Ocean's Eleven. His character was a cold hearted jerk, but that like only emphasized his good looks.

Not Important: Plot. I suppose you don't want the guys just standing around looking bored or stupid or stupid AND bored, but the plot should be simple enough that I don't need to think about it. Brad and George want to rob a casino -- that is plot enough for this aardvark. As long as they have some costume changes while robbing the casino, I'm okay with it.

The problem was that they didn't stop there with the plot. Aardvarks are good at digging holes (which is why African farmers all hate us and stuff), but the holes in this plot like jump out at you. For instance, what's the deal with tapping the phones? How screwed up are the phone lines in the Bellagio? Is there only one for the entire casino and the hotel? How did they know which one to tap? When did they tap it? Did the bad guys never notice that the phone line in their observation room went to some geek in a truck parked outside the casino? How did the geek in the truck filter out the hundreds of calls that must have been coming out of the casino at that point? I mean, there was just a riot in the boxing ring and chaos on the gaming floor. I'm sure some of the patrons wanted to call home and tell friends what an awesome day it was. I mean, how often do you get to see a riot in a casino? I wouldn't want to be there because I might get trampled and stuff, but it would be way cool to see it on tape or something.

At any rate, the movie mechanics were bad, but my guys were hot and that is all that I care about. I mean, if I wanted a movie with a plot and dialogue, I would have rented something with subtitles or Clueless or something. Like, I just wanted to see Brad and George hang out while wearing fashionable clothing and that is what Ocean's Eleven gave me.

By the way, Wagsy wanted me to post this update on the progress of our silk sheets. I think silk sheets will be good for my modeling career. Both Marilyn and Madonna posed against silk sheets at some point in their careers, and they turned out all right. Okay, Marilyn Monroe overdosed on drugs and that would suck. But like I think like I can pretty avoid the whole drug thing, because I don't even drink soda, so cocaine would be like way ridiculous. I don't understand the whole drug snorting thing. I mean like, being an aardvark, I take what I put up my snout very seriously. Ants and termites are supposed to go up there. Like, there's like no room for powders. So disgusting.

A Partial Victory for the Bears

Um ... hello. The bears have very good news to report. Our agitating for a greater voice has forced Ozzie to purchase silk sheets for the bed! Oooh, we're very excited. We just received the notification that UPS will be shipping our sheets ...

***Do not reply to this e-mail. UPS and Super Silk Sheet Seller will not receive your reply.

This message was sent to you at the request of Super Silk Sheet Seller to notify you that the package information below has been transmitted to UPS. The package(s) may not have actually been placed with UPS for shipment. To verify when and if the shipment is tendered to UPS and its actual transit status, click on the tracking link below or contact Super Silk Sheet Seller directly.

Important Delivery Information

-------------------------------------------
Scheduled Delivery: 05-April-2005

Shipment Detail
--------------------------------------------
Ship To:
Wagsy Dog and Friends
South Bend
IN

Number of Packages: 1
UPS Service: GROUND
Weight: 2.0 LBS

Tracking Number: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Transaction Reference Number: XXXXXXXXXX

Click here to track if UPS has received your shipment or visit
http://www.ups.com/WebTracking/track?loc=en_US on the Internet.

This might be the happiest day of my short, furry life. Well, the day that Ozzie gave me my bunny George, that was a pretty good day. And the day Ozzie asked Harriet to marry him, that was a good day, too. I guess I've had a lot of good days in my life.

You might be wondering how we got Ozzie to purchase the sheets for us. Well, it involved consistent and gentle pressure. When Ozzie would be enjoying a quiet moment, one of us would slide up to Ozzie and say, "Um ... hello. When we moved to Indiana, you promised us silk sheets and cable TV. Did you lie to us?" I don't know why, but Ozzie found it very difficult to read a book, or cook dinner, or watch TV in the face of our earnest and gentle pleading. Um ... he broke down pretty fast. We've only been after him for six months. He's a softie. We bears are very patient. We always win staring contests, and we can pester a person if the need strikes us.

Um ... I wonder if Ozzie is just trying to co-opt our bear suffrage movement? He seemed to think that we might leave him alone now that we have silk sheets. Um ... I don't usually like being the bear-er of bad news, but we definitely aren't stopping until we have cable. Or satelite TV. Either one would be fine.

"The fur flies without cable buys"

"100 Channels or we'll storm your flannels."

The teddy bear power movement has only just begun.