Self-Restraint

Cheerio. Gladstone Bear esquire at your service. While I may not be at the forefront of Furry Thoughts for Fuzzy Times, my quiet role in the bear bureaucracy is one of great importance. I manage the bear bank, where we teddy bears save our coinage. Perhaps in other settings I would be hedging funds or finessing options, but it is my solemn duty and honor to lend a guiding hand to teddy bear finances. I have often admired Pudgie's insight and Wagsy's gregariousness, but neither of my two esteemed colleagues possess the necessary investment acumen for managing teddy bear funds.

The committee on training and instruction decided that the young Misters Bear and Pi required tutelage in the world of money. I was only too happy to lend my services to the enterprise. One of my favourite activities is to teach fecund minds the value of self-restraint and discipline.



The first lesson is that you cannot have your cookie and eat it too. Take for example my beautiful cookie. It is chewy and sweet and scrumptious. The mere aroma of my cookie could cause a palace guard to break stance and drool in anticipation. A cookie this exquisite should be cherished and savored. Precisely BECAUSE I cherish my cookie, I do not eat it. My cookie and I have been together for as long as I can remember. Much like the finest of wines, my cookie is much too valuable to be eaten. A less cultured and more impulsive person would have succumbed to temptation long ago. However, my self-restraint has been rewarded and I still possess my invaluable cookie.



The same principle can be applied to money. Take note, young bears, a penny saved is a penny earned. Some hedonistic bears would have you spend your money on ephemeral trifles such as cable tv, but do not succumb to such temptations. A solid reserve of coins can ensure that rainy days feature an umbrella and that the stitch in time arrives as scheduled and not a moment later.

A little known corollary to the rule is one hundred pennies saved is twenty nickels or four quarters earned. The reader might think I am daft for mentioning simple currency arithmetic, but such calculations are of the utmost importance to teddy bears. For when our bank overflows, our people offer assistance in exchanging our coinage for bills and other promissory notes. While the gesture is kind and perhaps genuine, past experience has taught me that such transactions are a poor deal for teddy bears. Too often the coins disappear and no bills are returned. The remaining coins from the exchange are returned to the bears, but by and large the bears are left with a steaming bowl full of nothing! Therefore, the prudent money manager ensures that no one stash of coins exceeds $1. Why, I have small stashes of coins in many tax havens across our globe. While I certainly enjoy my trips to Guernsey, Bermuda, and the Cayman Islands, the primary purpose of my travels to ensure the fiscal security of our teddy bear clan.

My Product Lines are Blowing Up

Like oh my god. I was afraid that my design team was in a funk or on hiatus or something, but it turns out that they were just letting images percolate. They've totally come out with some hot new items.

I also like totally discovered a new model. You probably already know him, but I bet you didn't know he could work a runway like an air traffic controller. His furry and quiet charm just leap off the shirts. Like, I am talking about Wagsy, as if you couldn't guess.

Check out his baseball shirt, and his Jr. Raglan, and his wall clock. Wagsy isn't Aardvark Fabulous, but he is cute and furry. Like he's going to be a HUGE hit with the Grrrls.

So, like, I had to lose some of my own store space, but I'm totally okay with it. I can't be the face of my glorious aardvark fashion empire all the time. I need to discover new talent and get minions to do my bidding. Besides, I'm like so busy writing my memoirs. Like I think the book will be hot, but I'm totally having trouble getting started. Like, what should I call my biography? Buffy: Aardvark from Heaven has a ring to it, but it seems a bit self-aggrandizing. So then I moved to It's Not All Ants and Termites, which I thought would capture my hard scrabble move from the back of the closet to the forefront of the fashion circuit. But then I thought that it wouldn't make my life sound glamorous enough to attract sales. And besides, like it SOOO isn't true, cuz my life IS all ants and termites.

Then I started thinking maybe a "How to" guide would be more up my alley. How to Be Aardvark Fabulous has the sound of a New York Times Non-fiction Best Seller, don'tchathink?

Once I get the title down, I think the book will write itself. That or I'll get one of my minions to take dictation or something. Like ghost writing seems the way to go, but I like worry that I'd lose the aardvark vernacular. It's like almost as important as my look.

A Bloated Platy and Other Strange Google Searches

Um ... hello. Teddy bears are generally shy creatures. Sure we're chatty with our people, but ... um ... we usually don't like meeting new people. A lot of people don't understand how to interact with teddy bears and ignore us or even look down on us. We usually play it safe and keep a low profile when visitors come by the house. When you are as plump and furry as we are it is hard to keep a low profile, but we manage okay.

That is why this blog is exciting, but also a little scary. Most of the people who have emailed or left comments have been very nice, but ... um ... there are some less than furry people out there on the web. Oooh, I almost stopped using google because searching for all things furry is not always appropriate for innocent eyes. There are some sick people in this world and I hope no one confuses us teddy bears for ... um ... people who dress up as kangaroos. I suppose dressing up as a kangaroo is okay, it is the rest of the lifestyle that makes me worry. Teddy bears are supposed to be accepting, but ... um ... um ... ooh!

But Google can be good, too. Many people have discovered our website through google. A few even come back. At first people came searching for "veto pivot" and "endogenous veto pivot" and "Political Economy" and "Veto Pivot", but we don't even pop up on the google list anymore. Other people must have been writing about the topic recently. I'm not sure why we ever came up high on the list to be honest. Pudgie is smart, but he hasn't published much.

Most searches make a lot of sense. For instance, Break Dancing Bear is normal since we do have a break dancing bear on this blog, and who wouldn't want to see a dancing bear? I'm also not surprised to see that we are one of the web's leaders in Teddy Bear Psychology. Um ... the whole point of Furry Thoughts for Fuzzy Times is providing the teddy bear perspective.

But some searches are stuffin' stumpers. Oooh, search algorithms confuse me. Pudgie tried to explain Google to me once, but I found myself thinking about how furry I was and wondering how I was going to fit in a nap before TV watching. People have visited our site by typing in Lil Bowwow's Favorite Move, Mother Theresa's Rewards, Allergic Reaction Faux Suede, and Elastigirl Background Information. Um ... it isn't often that Lil Bowwow, Mother Theresa, and Elastigirl appear in the same sentence. Bow in awe of the wide ranging teddy bear intellect.

Um ... the most common search that leads people to our site is about fish. Yeah, yeah. About one person a week comes to our site looking for information on a bloated Platy. Sometimes they type Platy Bloated, or Bloated Platy Furriness, or even Bloated Platy Bellies, but they all end up here. I guess Platy is a fish, and people don't know what to do when they are sick or pregnant. Um ... we aren't qualified to provide veterinarian advice. We tried looking for a website devoted to bloated Platy symptoms, but we couldn't find a good one, which is why they click on us, I guess. Ooh, I hope we managed to make the owners of the sick fish smile and take their minds off of their swelled pets.

Um ... in an effort to give the readers what they want, here is a picture of Platy. He's not a fish. At least I think he isn't. Platypuses are awfully confusing.

The Upright Platypus	You will notice that he is both brown and round.
The Antipodal Platypus	Um ... it is hard to know when Platy is upside down. Ooh, being from Australia can be so confusing.

Oooh, I think Platy is very handsome. I hope he makes the fish owners happy.

Super Hero Bears?

Um ... hello. Last night we all watched The Incredibles. You'd think that family movie night would be relaxing, but really family movie nights can be a bit ... um ... chaotic ... sometimes. Well ... um ... most times. Every step of the process is a matter of careful negotiation.

Step 1: Decide to watch a movie. Ozzie usually wants to work and isn't sure that he has time for a movie. Harriet is tired and isn't sure she can stay up for an entire movie. The bears usually want to see a movie, but we seldom get listened to.

Step 2: Decide on the particular movie to watch. Oooh, this can be problematic. Pudgie prefers documentaries. Buffy would like a Brad Pitt movie, but something with good looking people will usually do. Goofball wants a movie with a good soundtrack. My bunny George likes action movies, preferably spy films. Ozzie wants to watch a GOOD movie and complains that all the recent selections are ... um ... not good. I don't know what he is talking about. I'd say that any movie where we all cuddle together is a good movie. Harriet starts to get a headache from all the bickering and puts in whatever movie is closest to the DVD player.

Step 3: Decide who gets to watch the movie. Um ... this decision isn't entirely straightforward sometimes. Ratings systems aren't really made with teddy bears in mind. We're not quite sure what to do with the age guidelines. For instance, I've only had my bunny George for 16 months, but he acts older than I do. Usually we try to get as many bears as possible to watch the movie, but there is only so much space available on the sectional in front of the TV. Harriet gets all cuddled up with the bears and then Ozzie complains there is no room for him. Sometimes he moves the bears. Sometimes he sits on the floor. Sometimes he goes upstairs and works. Pillowhead.

Step 4: To popcorn or not to popcorn. Oooh, this can be very hairy (which is different from furry). Harriet likes to munch on popcorn, but we bears are a little leery of popcorn. First off, there are crumbs. Crumbs attract bugs and are the enemy of soft fur. There is also usually butter associated with popcorn. Butter is the root of all evil. Um ... maybe not, but it sure isn't good for the fur and it gets all over Harriet's hands, so we don't want to cuddle with her. Ooh, watching movies is fraught with tension. It is enough to make a bear take a nap.

But once we get past these hurdles, we can sit down and enjoy the movies. The Incredibles was unusual in that we all liked it.

Goofball: Yeah, I liked the movie. What's wrong with that? Just because it's animated doesn't mean it can't be a good movie. There was action, there was adventure, and there were costumes that I'd look good in. I don't think I'd do much crime fighting. I'd be the guy who sits back in headquarters and tells people where to go.

Buffy: Oh, my god. Like this movie is the first movie to really give fashion designers their due. I mean most movies totally bypass the crucial role fashion designers play in keeping our country safe. I mean, where would the family have been without those adorable suits designed by Edna Mole? I mean, Elastigirl wouldn't have been able to track down Mr. Incredible when he was in trouble. Her clothes wouldn't have stretched, so she'd be like wearing baggy clothes like some dude who hangs out by a convenience store all day. The teen age daughter would totally have been caught because her clothes would have still be visible. And the son would have like ignited his pants when he was running. You would have had a show with nearly naked super heroes on an island getting totally beat up by the bad guys. That would have made for a lame movie. And I think a sense of fashion is totally necessary for a superhero. Would juries have ruled against superheroes in court if their outfits had been more fashionable? I don't think so. So, like I really dug the movie.

Pudgie: I found the movie to be an interesting exploration of superhero genres. I use the plural because the movie uses, critiques, and evolves the tropes found in both the comic book and movie formats. The Incredibles situated the viewer in a decidedly 1950s America, but drew out the universal aspects of the setting so that the film seemed fresh, alive, and relevant to today's society. I also enjoyed the multi-layered story telling utilized in the movie. Many movies appeal to both children and adults, but The Incredibles managed to weave together entirely different strands of stories essentially creating two parallel movies: an action movie aimed at children and a mid-life crisis movie aimed at adults.

Duck: Quack, quack quack quack. Quack QUACK quack quACK.

Um ... I liked it, too. But, um, I became distracted by a disturbing thought. Should superhero children have teddy bears? I generally believe that all children should have teddy bears, but I fear for the safety of any teddy bear owned by Jack-Jack. Um ... polyester and flames don't exactly go together. I mean a teddy bear should cuddle with its owner, but what is the owner is prone to bursting into flames? Oooh, it's very disturbing. Maybe the parents should talk to Edna about making a teddy bear resistant to: flames; lasers; friction; and crashing cars. Um ... you better make the teddy bear able to turn invisible too so the baby doesn't have to choose between holding onto the teddy bear for comfort and getting caught by bad guys. And while Edna's at it, she might want the teddy bear able to float through walls so Jack-Jack can take the teddy bear with him when he bounces around.

Wow. And I thought Bear and Pi had fancy "all new fibers." Wow. That would be a superbear. It would probably be kind of expensive though. I don't think you'd could buy it at Toys R US for $10. But, um, it would be worth it. Every child needs a bear. Even super children.

(whisper)

Um ... I'm not meaning to imply that all children aren't super. They are all super, except the messy bear destroying ones. I'm talking about children with special powers like laser beam eyes. I haven't ever met one, but now I know what type of teddy bear to get one.

Teaching the fine art of hiding

Um ... hello. Today's lesson is about hiding. Hiding is a very important skill for a young bear to learn. It comes in handy in all types of settings. For instance, suppose a bear orders silk sheets over the internet with his owner's husband's credit card. The husband will be upset for a while about the very worthy and justified transaction. The threats of Swiffer-dom might come true, so it is best to hide somewhere. Preferably one should hide near the owner, so she can protect the brave and justified bear from her angry spouse. Luckily, husbands are easily distracted by things like sports or commercials and the bear can come out of hiding in a day or two.

Or, suppose a particularly messy friend comes over for a play date? A smart bear would find a way to be scarce, so the disgusting guest can't get his grubby claws on him. Oooh, I hope Bear and Pi's people aren't friends with the dirty kid. Um ... I suppose I admire the bears owned by particularly messy children, but ... um ... I'm glad that I am owned by Harriet. She's pretty clean as people go. People can't be as clean as bears, but some are better than others. Ozzie isn't that bad, except when he sleeps. Ooh! It's like the faucet turns on and the drool just flows. At first I was a little offended that he didn't want to sleep with bears, but after watching what happens to his pillow, I think all the bears think it is for the best if we steer clear.

Um ... so you can see that hiding is a very important skill. But we had to select someone to teach it. We caucused about it. Initially, we decided that Platy should teach the course because he's so good at it. But when we went to go tell him, we ... um ... well we couldn't find him. I don't know where he goes. He just kinda disappears. I suppose it is a good thing that he didn't teach the course, because part of the art of hiding is coming out of hiding and being found. Platy isn't too good at being found. You'd think with his giggling, "I'm brown, and I'm round, and I can't be found" it would be easy to find him, but it isn't true. Um ... so anyways, we ended up voting for George, my bunny. His super secret spy training made him a natural choice.

Um ... there wasn't much to describe to be honest. George hid and then came out of hiding. The young bears tried to hide and they weren't very good at it. That might be a good thing since young children aren't good at finding things and you wouldn't want the bears to get lost. Oooh! A small bear could be lost in so many unfortunate places. They could be stuck behind a radiator, or in a closet with shoes, or in a dirty basement, or even worse ... outdoors. Oooh! Such a scary thought.

Luckily, Buffy's photographer was around to capture the events on camera, so you can see what went on.

George with the eager students.	And for my first trick ...
Ooh! There he is!	Not your everyday ensemble.
Now it is your turn.	Um ... not quite guys.

As I said, maybe it isn't a bad thing that Bear and Pi aren't good at hiding yet.

Isn't my bunny talented? He just disappeared and then he reappeared. He was like ... um .. he was like ... um ... something that disappears and reappears again. Tulips? Madonna? A shadow? A pillowhead? Yes, definitely a pillowhead. Ozzie disappears frequently, but he always comes back. Sometimes Goofball is worried that Ozzie isn't coming back, but I think he's just faking the fear so Harriet gives him more attention. Um ... maybe I should try that strategy.

Mirrors, Grooming and looking Aardvark Fabulous

Like grooming is a totally important lesson for a young bear. I'm not being shallow either. Small children are easily distracted by the most bizarre things. Like mobiles? Hello! The planes are like just going around in a circle. Talk about tedium. And if you grab the mobile, it falls on you and gets all tangled up and stuff. And still, small children sit there and stare at the things. Please.

So like first impressions are way important, and you need to grab the child's attention from the get go. If you don't instantly steal the child's heart, like it might not happen. Some of it is luck, you might get a bummer of a kid, but there are parts that you can control. It's all about salesmanship. You have to make yourself look good. Your fur should look sleak and soft and ... well ... furry, ya know? Your ears should be up enough to look like you are a good listener for the child. Your head should be cocked in that way that says, "I'm totally feeling you and understand what is going on." Small children like that. Most people don't pay much attention to the feelings of small children and a bear can fill that niche. I mean like people might ooh and aah over their goings on and they might feed them, but someone needs to hear their inner-most thoughts and explore the joy of teething on blocks and picking dandelions. Is it any accident that Calvin's friend is a hunky looking stuffed tiger? I think not.

But you can't sell what you don't have (unless you're one of those lame-o's at Enron or something). You have to bring the goods. Like it is a good thing that I totally have what it takes. From snout to tail, I'm sizzling. Luckily, both Bear and Pi are pretty cute. If I weren't so much older, I'd totally take them to the couch and watch Sesame Street with them. They both have that bow tie thing going on that looks totally dorky for old bald men on television, but completely works for a teddy bear. They're like way soft and have bright shiny eyes. The children will be all over Bear and Pi. But still, the prepared aardvark gets the ants, so let's get these two in front of a mirror and go over some basics.

	Like you can see both sides of my beautiful face in this picture. I'm not two faced or anything, but there is more than one side to this aardvark.
	Like paparazzi follows me everywhere. You can see a bunny spying and taking pictures of me in the background of this picture.

Mirrors can be complicated and took a little explaining. Pi seemed unimpressed and thought his relatives from Toys 'R Us came by to visit or something. I had to explain that Pi was actually seeing himself in the mirror. Like this is a HUGE problem for a new bear, cuz like we're mass produced, because when you're hanging out in the factory, or on the boat from Asia, or in the store, you see a lot of people who look like you. So like confronting someone who looks just like you is like totally natural. Part of looking fabulous is knowing who you are and carving out your own identity. There might be another aardvark out there that looks as good as I do, but I doubt she would have my sassiness and spark. It's all about attitude and I have aardvark attitude to spare.

Once I explained that Bear and Pi were seeing themselves, Bear wondered how he could be sitting on the carpet and in the mirror at the same time. So like I had to explain that like it was you, but not you. Like it's a reflection of you, but not the genuine thing. I suppose your actions are reflections of you too, but it's like totally different. I mean Mother Theresa's actions said she was a totally beautiful saint, but her mirror said ... like ... like not to be mean or anything, but no one was going to put her on a runway in New York or Paris or Milan even. But the mirror shows how you look and it does what you do. So like if you comb your tail, the aardvark in the mirror combs its tail.

Pi then pointed out that like I used my right paw for brushing my tail and the aardvark in the mirror was using its left paw. I was kinda stumped on this one, because he had a point. It was like the bizarro Buffy in the mirror. My nose curves to the right and its nose curves to the left. It was like ... it was like ... a mirror-image of myself.

...

Oh my god, I feel like totally stupid.

...

Like how do you edit posts, cuz like this isn't cool. I mean, I don't like want my public to think I'm a total airhead or something. I care about issues. I'm informed about totally important issues like Darfur (like it's totally sad and disgusting and I feel badly for the Darfurrians and wish someone would do something about it). I read like way smart books. The last book I read was Freakonomics. Admittedly, I read it sorta by accident. Like I thought it would be about how to go to fancy clubs and party on a budget and stuff, but it turned out to be a totally fascinating look at like, well, a lot of things. I wonder if people will start using Buffy as an aspirational name for their children.

Like the point is, I don't want people to think I'm stupid just because I forgot the phrase "mirror-image." Like I'm dazzled by my own beauty in the mirror sometimes and sort of get hypnotized. What if they think I'm a bimbo like Jessica Simpson. I mean that Chicken of the Sea gaffe was played all over the place and gets mentioned in US Weekly at least once a month. That would ...

okay, so like that wouldn't be so bad. At this point in my career any pub is good pub. Bring it on.

Class dismissed.