Saturday, July 30, 2005

Keeping Track of the Youngin's

We bears don't often disagree. Usually we kinda all think the same things are good or right. That fact may not always be obvious on the blog. I don't know why, but we sometimes get our fur all riled up and start to argue. Not that it gets nasty or anything, but the tone is less than cordial. Maybe the blog brings it out because we're stating opinions. You know, a lot of times we just don't say anything. We just sit around enjoying each other's company in silence. One good thing about teddy bears is that we know when to talk to our humans and when we just have to be there. Anywho, the point is that Wagsy, Gladstone, Buffy, and I agree on 99% of things in life (... Duck? Well, Duck is an ornery bird. I think he disagrees with us just for the sake of it. I think he has anger management issues).

That being said, Wagsy and I seem to have slightly different versions of what happened while Ozzie and Harriet were on vacation. Wagsy seems to think it was a friendly get together with new, well-behaved friends. I am of the opinion that the visitors over stayed their welcome, destroyed property, and ended up being a big ol' nuisance. I say the fact that Pudgie agrees with me should be enough to prove my case. The good professor was traumatized for crying out loud.

Well, just in case Pudgie's frail psyche isn't evidence enough, I'd like to offer some photographic evidence. Now you might be expecting to see pictures of bears sprawled out on bedsheets as far as the eye could see. And I could have taken such a picture, but what would it have proved? Everyone agrees there were many visitors. The "lethargic chaos" Pudgie describes can't really be captured in photos. Well, I suppose torpor CAN be depicted accurately in still photos. Torpor is torpor afterall, but the anarchy and the entropy of the situation would be missing.

So I offer Exhibit A:

Young bears playing in shoes.

You will notice that the young bears we are supposedly training are playing in shoes. Dirty, foul, smelly, disgusting shoes. Just look at the things, I'd almost Bear and Pi play in Yucca Mountain [Editor's Note: Come on, Goofball, my shoes aren't that bad. Goofball: I love you, Ozzie, but that doesn't mean I have to lie about your smelly feet. Your dogs could stop a congested pig at 200 paces. Editor's Note: Ouch.] You might ask yourself, "Self, how did those young bears get into those shoes? Weren't the older and more experienced bears supposed to be looking out for them?" Sadly, I don't have a good answer for you. We were so distracted by our toga party that the little guys wandered off.

When I discovered they were missing, I went looking for them. As soon as I found them, I got the two out of there and set them straight.

Fresh laundry is a good playground

Clean laundry, baby. That's the ticket. Ain't nothin' better than hangin' out in clean laundry. I don't know how long Bear and Pi were frolicking in the shoe pile, so I let them play in the laundry basketball all day. I figured some of the clean might rub off on them and get rid of the nasty foot odors. I mean, straight out of the dryer, the laundry should be the cleanest thing in the house, right? The dirt should transfer from Bear and Pi and to the clothes and nothing in return, right? That's logic.

And the fact that Bear and Pi were associating with hazardous materials is strong evidence that the party was out of control. It's all fun and games until someone contracts a stain or chronic odor.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Musings on Vacations for Teddy Bears

As readers may have gathered from my last post, I did not find Ozzie and Harriet's vacation relaxing. Usually, I look forward to Ozzie's trips, since it affords me the time to catch up on my own reading. However, this person-free period involved a large number of teddy bears and the repeated viewing of insipid children's programming. Ironically, I found the experience so draining that I welcomed the respite offered by the return of Ozzie and Harriet.

This experience raises the question of what it would mean for a teddy bear to go on vacation. The genus ursa teddae is typically characterized by lethargy. If one naps for 75% of the day, then the purpose of vacation could not very well be further relaxation. Thus, we must conclude that -- excuse me -- we conclude -- pardon me -- the conclusion -- fine, what is it, Wagsy? (um ... whisper) Surely not. (confident whisper) I was speaking in generalities, but I suppose your point is worthy of mention. Wagsy has just informed me that he could nap for more than 75% of the day, and he finds that six hours of activity are quite draining. So I suppose a few bears might use vacation time to catch up on sleep. However, ON AVERAGE, it stands to reason that teddy bears would use vacation to seek out adventure and new experiences.

This leads to a secondary question, namely, what would constitute adventure for a teddy bear? Personally, I would enjoy sitting on a well padded wing-back chair in a library and reading. After many years of tea parties, tree climbing, swimming, and flying, I have come to the conclusion that physical adventure is best experienced through the written word. Reading allows one to share most of the exhilaration of danger without nausea, tears, or water insects. However, my desires may be idiosyncratic and unrepresentative of bear utility functions more broadly. To get a sense of the diversity of teddy bear opinion, I conducted short interviews with readily available bears. I recognize the sample is non-random, however, the study represents a cursory pursuit of a momentary whim and requires no greater rigor. To protect the identity of the subjects, I have replaced names with aliases.

Galbraith: Um ... I think I'd like to go to a bedding store. Oooh ... can you imagine an entire acre of comfy beds and new sheets? It would be verrry nice. Yeah, yeah. That is where I'd go ... um ... a bedding store.

Smith: My dear, sir, I vacation frequently. My business takes me to some of the most relaxing areas of the world and I take full advantage of that fact. I never mix business with pleasure, but once the business is finished, I see no reason why I should not sit on a chaise lounge enjoying a fresh sea breeze.

Gabor: Oh my god, I'd totally go to the hottest cities in the world. New York, London, Paris ... maybe Milan or Berlin, like it totally depends on what is happening in each city ya know? And like when I was there, I would meet with the most awesome fashion designers and hang with models and go clubbing. But since hangin' with fashionable people and being see at swanky night spots is part of my job description, being a celebrity and all, or at least, that is my career goal, ya know, like I don't know if it would be a vacation, cuz like I'd be doing my job. And that would really bite if being a celebrity meant you could never go on vacation. Stars make so many sacrifices to bring us joy (and, yes, I'm only saying that to suck up, like stars seem to surround themselves with suck ups, I figure being a yes-aardvark isn't a bad way to get into the scene, then I could totally pull a Nicole Richie and be famous for being famous on my own).

Kerouac: Well, to be honest, I haven't given it much thought. You see, I'm in demand here and I don't have much time for travellin'. I suppose I'd want to go where there were interesting people who are bear friendly. That would limit my options, cuz there are some strange people out there, but very few would know how to treat a teddy bear. So I'd probably be hangin' with quirky, non-smoking women. Wait a minute, that sounds like a personal ad, and if there is one thing I don't need is a personal ad. Can you delete that? I don't want people getting the wrong idea about me. Give me that tape recorder!


At this point, I thought it prudent to bring the interviews to a close. As you can see, the definition of "adventure" changes based upon the individual personality of the bear in question. I suppose there may even be bears in the world who relish having a towel tied around one's neck and being thrown across the room (shudder).

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Clarifications are in Order

Um ... I thought I would offer a ... um ... brief defense of the bears who came to visit while Ozzie and Harriet were gone. There was nothing wrong with the bears. Most of them were very nice. Um ... they were not interlopers, because I invited them. It is true that they did mostly just lie around and luxuriate on the sheets, but I don't see anything wrong with that. They simply enjoyed the finer things in life. I'm sorry that some of Goofball's issues of Gentlebear's Quarterly and my Soft Surroundings collection are a little worse for wear, but that is understandable when paper is passed around 40 or 50 pairs of paws.

Um ... yeah. The readers should rest assured that nothing out of the ordinary happened. We just had a lot of furry visitors who took a while to go home. Yeah, yeah.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Cleaning up the Mess

Sad as it is to say, I had to lay the smack down on some interloping teddy bears yesterday. Ozzie and Harriet come home in a week and we have to get this place straightened out. It looked like a hurricane struck the Bend with sheets and blankets and pillows scattered everywhere. I suppose that wasn't too bad, but when the free-loaders discovered Wagsy's Soft Surroundings catalogues and my copies of Gentlebears Quarterly things got ugly. I'm not possessive or anything. I like to share, but you have to respect my property. I know the article on new competitors to Woolite was hot, but that doesn't mean you have to go and rip it out. That is what set me off.

Don't get me wrong, I was sick of these hobo bears after the second day. Yeah, I thought Brother Bear might be worth a second viewing. I mean, there aren't many movies marketed directly to bears and I want to support my market niche, but how many times do we have to watch that flick? There are films worth re-watching like Dr. Strangelove or Monsters Inc and there are flicks, which might be worth viewing once, and there is trash, which isn't worth watching at all. Calling Brother Bear a flick was a stretch. So, I knew these cats were dumb as post and annoying to boot.

But that still leaves the challenge of getting rid of the fellas. Teddy bears are generally creatures of inertia and loathe to move, but these sorry excuses for polyester filling took the cake. I've seen more active elements in the righthand column of the periodic table. They weren't prone to move, they were just prone. Unfortunately, I am more of a lover than a fighter, so I couldn't just throw out the interlopers with the rest of the trash. Besides that would be rude and I am nothing if not an excellent host. So, I had to use my wiles.

I'm telling you ... a quick call to a taxi company and a false rumor about a clearance sale at Bed, Bath, and Beyond will work miracles.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Bank of Bear is Sound

Dear ladies and gentleman, I would like to assure you all that the Bear Bank remains on firm financial ground. While there has been slightly more rumpus in our rumpus room of late, the disorderly behavior of a few ruffians has in no way compromised the bank reserves. Our assets are liquid and I have every confidence that each and every asset holder could be paid in full should he or she wish to withdraw funds. Please do not misconstrue the lamentations of Professor Pudgie as a comment on the soundness of our assets.

I thank you for your attention, and wish you a good day.

Sincerely,

Sir Gladtsone, esquire

Lord of the Flies

It is ten days since Ozzie and Harriet left on their vacation and my worst fears have been realized. A lethargic chaos has erupted in the bedroom. There are teddy bears everywhere: on the bed, in the bureaus, and in the laundry basket of clean clothes. The bears are luxuriating in silken sheets and rotting their brains on a DVD of Brother Bear. The interlopers nap before watching Brother Bear, after watching Brother Bear, and while watching Brother Bear. The overall effect is of an opium den, but replacing the opium with insipid banter from animated moose. The volume on the television is so loud that I cannot concentrate on my studies and I have now memorized the entire script of Brother Bear.

Bo: I guess it's our turn. This is the year I met the MOST gorgeous...
Nookie: No... YOU'RE gorgeous.
Bo: You're gorgeous... -ER.
Tug: Get a cave.
Igor: Oy.
[starts speaking in his language]
Mabel: If only EDGAR was alive.
Edgar: I told you woman I'm right here.
Bo: I love you buttercup.


I may have discovered my own personal hell.

Rutt: You wouldn't like us, eh. We're really gamey.
Tuke: Ya... eat hoof for brains over there.
Rutt: Oh nice, eh. Pinecone breath!
Tuke: Crusty tail!
Rutt: Twig legs!
Tuke: Big nose!
Rutt: [gasp]
Tuke: ...sorry.
Rutt: You went too far that time.


That about describes the level of banter since Ozzie and Harriet left. However, there is one part of the movie that speaks to me ...

[arguing with his echo]
Ram: Shut up!
Echo: Shut up!
Ram: No, you shut up!
Echo: No, you shut up!
[later]
Ram: [tired] No... YOU shut up!
Echo: No... YOU shut up!


I fear I have this conversation with the running dialogue in my head every night.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Pillow Party

Um ... hello! We've made a most remarkable discovery. Yeah, yeah, it turns out that silk sheets make excellent togas. Since Ozzie and Harriet are out of town, we've decided to throw a party. Everyone who likes cuddling and napping is invited.