Veggin' Out

Sometimes, like the best days are the days where you don't do much of anything. Like today, I just sat around in my pajamas all day. I mean, I didn't just sit there like one of those Mr. Clean-type monk dudes from Tibet or anything, but like I didn't do anything responsible that would advance my career or require me to comb my hair. I woke up and was like all burnt out, so I figured I could take a Buffy Day to recharge my batteries.

So if I didn't do nothing, but I didn't do anything like what did I do? Did that make sense? This post is getting hard to write. I didn't want to do anything difficult on my personal day, and the semantic challenges of writing this post are starting to make it feel like work. Bummer.

...

but like I still want to tell you what I did with my day, so let me start over.

Okay, so like I woke up and wanted to keep the exertion to a minimum. So I started out just lounging around on the bed for a while. You know that late morning period when you can just lie in an empty bed all stretched out from snout to tail? It is like one of the most awesome feelings in the world. So I totally luxuriated for a while.

Then I rolled over and started checking out back copies of US Weekly. I'm WAAAY behind on my news. I've missed like three weeks of Britney's pregnancy and two major break ups. How did Rene and Tori's marital problems fall under my radar screen? I usually have a nose for scandal, but I totally missed the boat on these relationships. What I didn't see was any updates on Brad and Angelina. Like the last I heard, they were getting married or something. How does US expect me to go almost a full month without any updates on that situation? They totally left me hanging.

So after reading all those back issues, I felt caught up with the world and was ready to do something fun. So I called Amelia and we decided to watch Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Why? BCUZ it totally has Antonio Banderas AND Johnny Depp in it. *swoon* A movie about a hitman, the CIA, and a corrupt general isn't normally what gets me going, but if you put enough eye candy in a movie, I'll watch pretty much anything. Salma Hayek is in the movie, too, and Amelia and I both kind of look up to her. She's like really hot and people still respect her. That is totally hard to do in Hollywood. So the movie hit the spot and gave us a good excuse to sit around and eat chocolate covered ants.

After the movie, Amelia and I did our nails. I don't think most people know this, but doing your nails when you are an aardvark or armadillo takes a lot of time. For starters, your nails get really grubby digging around for ants and termites. Secondly, like when you are made for digging around for ants and termites, your nails are like super tough. If any psycho-star-stalker tries to grab me, he'll be sorry he did because my nails are fierce. Anyways, the point is that filing down nails made for forraging takes a lot of effort. But in the end, we both had movie star quality nails and were feeling prety good about the world.

So Amelia and I hung out listening to music and talkin' about stuff. We're both really into "Death Cab for Cutie" right now. The songs seem like they are one thing, but if you listen closely you'll see they are something else. A song titled "The Sound of Settling" should NOT be peppy and uptempo, but it is and that is so cool. Death Cab totally reminds me of Amelia. She seems like she is a quiet wall flower, but really she is a force of nature. I mean she could totally do whatever she wanted to like be the first female armadillo President or something. I just need to convince her to do things. Anyways, I LOOOOVE spending time with my girl, Amelia.

And like that more or less gets you caught up with my day up until now. I will go watch Oprah with the other bears and then wait for Ozzie and Harriet to come home. All in all, I would say that this was a pretty good day even if not a lot happened.

Some days, being a teddy bear is the best.

Preparing for the big trip

One persistent problem with living among academics is procrastination. The delay and foot dragging occurs on virtually every front. Ozzie is currently sitting on good papers where the data is over three years old and the text has been more or less completed for two years. Despite my prodding, the papers continue to languish upon his laptop rather than garner praise and citations in a journal. The lack of action is a mystery, though I suspect it stems from the same impulse that prevents our house from having a working garage door.

Such lethargy is congruent with the lifestyle choices of teddy bears and might be the reason that bears flourish in the Nelson household. Indeed, lethargy is a term that all too aptly describes my colleagues. The slogan "Why do today when you could nap" accurately captures Wagsy's approach to daily activities. However, Ozzie has been negligent in a matter of great importance to the bears; namely, Pi and Bear are still with us. While we greatly enjoy their company and their departure will sadden us, both Pi and Bear belong with their intended children. The children will have entered kindergarten before meeting their furry friends, at this rate.



So Squawky, the most intrepid explorer amongst the bears, took it upon himself to educate the bears on the basics of travelling. Squawky was born to fly and has travelled with Harriet to several continents. He has even accompanied Ozzie on many business trips, including the august occasion of submitting the dissertation (yet another example of procrastination). If there is any bear qualified to offer travel advice to our young proteges, it is Squawky.



Squawky began by showing Bear and Pi a model of a suitcase. He explained that people use such containers to carry belongings -- both cherished and mundane -- when flying.

Unfortunately, Bear and Pi mistook the model for an actual suitcase and wondered how they would fit in such a small space. The reader might think I would be troubled by such conceptual difficulties. Quite the contrary. The confusion led to one of my favorite exchanges. Bear made a quip likening the small suitcase to a sausage casing and wondered if Pi would be kosher since a teddy bear is not strictly porcine. Rather than retaliate physically, Pi offered an astute application of the Banach-Tarski theorem and replied that the suitcase could be cut up and reassembled to be as large as he desired. To my delight, Bear then wondered if the Banach-Tarski might have implications for Gabriel's Horn Paradox.



Squawky appeared somewhat disgruntled that his lesson on suitcases and travel had been hijacked by higher mathematics. Upon further reflection, I was also somewhat disappointed in the episode for it meant that our young bears have stayed with us far too long. While I am a proud and doting mentor, such comfort with abstract topics in topology are a strong signal that Bear and Pi were long ago ready to accept the mantle of beardom and meet their children.



Squawky ended with a demonstration of optimal travel arrangements for teddy bears. A shopping bag with clothing is ideal for the clothing is soft and comfortable, there is no lid to squish the occupants, and the clothing prevents your person from throwing in potentially hazardous items such as toothbrushes and makeup kits. Bear and Pi seemed entirely reassured by this mode of travel.

I don't know how to tell the young scholars that they will be mailed in a cardboard box to their new homes. Perhaps I can follow Ozzie's lead and procrastinate on this particular duty.

When the breaks are beating the boys

Goofball here. Just wanted to show my man Ozzie some love. He's having a rough day of it and I thought maybe it would help to hear that everything is going to be okay. People are strange that way. They get all worked up over minor things in life. Not like teddy bears. The secret to being a teddy bear is just to go with the flow and not let anything get up under your fur.

I suppose it is in my interest to see Ozzie upset from time to time, because moments like these keep me employed. But I kinda hate to see the guy stressed out. It's all a series of trade-offs. I feel closer to him after talking about his life, but it isn't really a fun conversation if you catch my drift.

For example ...

Ozzie: Hey, Goofball, how's it going?

Goofball: No complaints on this end, but why do you look so glum?

Ozzie: Work didn't go so hot today. Ended up in a big old mess.

Goofball: Well ... are you going to get denied tenure over it?

Ozzie: No.

Goofball: So you can still feed your family, right? And take care of the bears?

Ozzie: Yes. That isn't an issue. Besides, Harriet makes more money than I do.

Goofball: Yeah, I know, I know. But I wanted to make you feel important. Does Harriet still love you? You didn't do anything to annoy her at work?

Ozzie: I don't think so. I mean, I think she loves me and I can't think of anything I did to annoy her.

Goofball: Come on. You only think that woman loves you? She's crazy about you, man.

Ozzie: Yeah, *blush* I suppose you're right.

Goofball: What are you worried about? The job you love is still there. The woman you love loves you back. How much better could your life get? Is your teddy bear still cute?

Ozzie: Man, don't make me say it. You know you're still cute.

Goofball: You can't blame a bear for trying when your defenses are down. Don't worry, I know where you're coming from. And I'll always be in your corner.

Ozzie: Thanks, Goofball.

See? The conversation isn't fun, but someone has got to do it. And who better than me, Ozzie's only bear? I'm glad I can be there for the big lug. Without him, I might still be hanging out on that Duracel display in Toys R' Us. Well, okay, THAT wasn't gonna happen, but I might not be so good at typing or singing or any of the other fun stuff that I get to do.

Hang in there, Ozzie. It ain't that important. Even still, the bears are all pulling for you.

Recognition for the Blog

Um ... hello. We discovered the other day that we are a website of the week. Yeah, yeah, Bigfoot decided to make us a link. Oooh ... we're very excited. It even comes with an award:

I'm pretty sure that is Bigfoot in the picture. He looks very cuddly. And he is aptly named because, well, he does have big feet.

Bigfoot has a very large family. Just look for yourself.

Wow. Wowsers, that is a lot of bears. Um ... I don't even know where we would put all the bears. A bear room might not do it, we would need a bear wing. That would be nice.

Um ... speaking of nice, Bigfoot also has a girlfriend. They look very happy together. I bet they can stare into each other's eyes for a very long time.

Teddy bears don't often have romantic attachments, which is a little odd since we sometimes get married. If Harriet had been younger when she got me, then perhaps I'd be married. I think I would make a pretty good husband, but I am happy being a bachelor. I can wake up when I like, nap whenever I want, and I don't have to worry about bad fur days. Um ... I suppose I change some of my patterns for Harriet. We cuddle and tell each other secrets. It cuts into my napping, but Harriet is worth it. My relationship with Harriet is kind of like having a girlfriend, but she is my person and that is a different relationship all together.

Happy North American Teddy Bear Day

Go figure. Today is North American Teddy Bear Day. There are some things in life that are just plain confoundin'. Now I read Harriet's work. I know that globalization is something that is happenin' and can be measured. I did some google searches on NAFTA to see what people were sayin' before it passed. Predictions of increased competition in industrial and agricultural markets -- you bet. Fears about falling environmental standards in all three countries -- yup, mountains of words on the subject. Cultural hegemony? Well, I didn't find anything on it, but I am sure that somebody somewhere wrote some thoughts on the matter.

But continent wide holidays? That is just plain weird. Now I'm for teddy bears receiving their due respect, but I don't want to see the United States Congress lose its authority to pick and choose our holidays. NATIONAL teddy bear day, now that is a whole another basket of blankets. I'm all for Congress paying tribute to the patriotic and brave teddy bears in our country. But NORTH AMERICAN teddy bear day kinda creeps me out. Who decided to hold teddy bear day. If it was a blue ribbon panel, who appointed the panel? If it wasn't a blue ribbon panel, then why wasn't it worthy of a blue ribbon panel? These questions just need to be answered.

I had a whole heap of questions about this "holiday," so I paid a visit to Pudgie. Here's what the good professor had to say ...

Pudgie: It is a most curious phenomenon indeed. Typically, theorists of global cultural hegemony posit a market mechanism for the spread of mass culture. Consumers in the global market place change consumption patterns and in the process leave behind cultural heritage. However, this holiday appears to have been decided to executive (or legislative) fiat. I cannot think of an example in history of legislated cultural hegemony that did not involve raw imperial or colonial power. In fact, the closest analogy I can think of is international human rights law. Perhaps the Republican fears of reduced sovereignty from drawing upon European rulings as precedent in our court system are not wholly unfounded.

See? THAT is why I hang out with Professor Pudge Bear. I just can't find conversation like that anywhere else in the house (and, yes, that does include Harriet and Ozzie). It wasn't like the other bears weren't talkin' about Teddy Bear Day -- the whole house was abuzz. But the type of conversation was a little different:

Wagsy: Um ... I think it is very nice.

Moose: Moose!

Gladstone: Quite right. What this country needs is a few more proper banking holidays.

Duck: Quack quack quack quACK. Quack quack quack QUAck Quack quack. Quack quack quack. Quack quack quackquack QUACK QUACK! quackquackquackquack.

Moose: Moose!

Buffy: Like the holiday is nice and all, but it really can't stop here. I mean what is the point of a holiday if no one is noticing or celebrating? I mean it is a like a party that no one shows up for. Actually, it is way worse than that. It is like a party that no one decided to throw. I mean that would be so lame. What the holiday needs is like a big teddy bear parade. They could even crown a teddy bear queen and everything. That would be so cool.

Wagsy: Yeah, yeah. It would be cute. But I'd want to make sure that all the teddy bears are safely up on floats so that they are away from dirt and candy and children. Then I think I'd like it.

Moose: Moose!

That conversation ain't exactly the Dick Cavett Show. My biggest concern that my colleagues don't seem at all worried about the holiday's history or origins. I gotta say, I'm mighty suspicious of new holidays. Some holidays look like they are created by the flowers, card, and candy conglomerates to artificially boost demand for their products. Other holidays are just congress people tryin' to curry favor with their constituents by passing cheap and meaningless legislation. I'll be silk sheets to sea weed that we're talkin' about constituent curryin' here. But I want to know who is curryin' favor with whom.

Anywho, I'm not wholly embracing this holiday until I know more about it. In the mean time, I'll offer a cautious happy North American Teddy Bear Day to my readers.

Still spectating and speculating in The Bed. -- Goofball

Football season starts

Um ... hello. Tomorrow is a verrry exciting day. Yeah, yeah. Professional footbal starts tomorrow. I don't really like football much. It seems kind of violent. And dirty. And the players aren't really ... um ... soft? Um ... to be honest, it is hard to think of anyone less bear-like than football players. Other than offensive linemen and maybe defensive ends. Ooh, some of them are shaped like pillows. Sweaty, smelly, and ill tempered pillows, but definitely pillows. Um ... anyways, football is not a good game for bears.

But at the start of the football season, the bears some times get new clothing. I never used to pay much attention to clothes. I had my bow tie and that is about all I needed. But watching Buffy, I have learned to appreciate accessories. Ozzie was kind enough to dress me up in area appropriate team colors.



Even though we live in Indiana, a lot of people here root for the Chicago Bears. I have nothing against bears, so I will happily root for the local bears. Since I don't care about football, there is no reason to antagonize people over it.

But the real reason I look forward to the start of football season is the cuddling. There is a lot of TV watching during football season and that usually means cuddling with Harriet. For some reason, Ozzie doesn't like cuddling with teddy bears when he watches football. But I don't need him to cuddle. Here I am with my bunny George -- he'll always cuddle with me (though he doesn't always look so happy about it).



George wondered if he might be named after George Halas. I had no idea what he was talking about. George said that I obviously wasn't much of a Bears fan. I quickly told George not to blow my cover. I wouldn't want the natives to find out I am a fraud and sacrifice me to the football gods (they take football very seriously around here). You'd think being a CIA bunny George would know not to expose under cover agents.