Dance! Why Won't You Dance!

Hi there. So the NCAA has kicked off its annual celebration of exploited "student athletes." Lots of young men are making money for universities, but receive little in return other than food and housing. They are SUPPOSED to receive an education, but the low graduation rates say contrariwise. If I was a bear of principle, I'd boycott the NCAA tournament and refuse to watch a single game. And I am a bear of principle, but I am also a bear of practicality. We're not a Nielson household, so noone knows if I am watching and I can use my virtual soapbox to speak out about this injustice. So I watch but I feel a little guilty about it.

But watching has been a little dissatisfying this year. Why? I'm glad you asked. It is dissatisfying because I am watching by myself for the most part. Basketball is for cuddling not for watching! I don't know what is going on around here. Harriet isn't eating chocolate, Ozzie isn't watching basketball, and Wagsy doesn't pounce in the morning. It is like I'm living in a Bizarro version of The Bend. I'll know that I am going insane when Professor Pudge Bear starts extoling the virtues of reality TV and dissing Dostoevsky.

It just isn't fair. March is primo bonding time for me and Ozzie. Ozzie tells me about the defensive strategy being employed and I make wry comments about the sartorial selections of the coaches. I even had a whole slew of Herb Sendek jokes lined up, but no audience ever materialized. I tried the line on Duck, but he just whacked me on the nose and left the room. Ozzie is missing a great tournament. I don't even like basketball and I think the games are exciting. Who doesn't want to watch Bradley take down Kansas? Or George Mason know off Carolina? Last second shots are exciting, darn it!

So I have had to adapt my bear-boy bonding strategies. Rather than Ozzie explaining the game to me, I watch the game and recount the events to Ozzie. He's a very attentive audience and I appreciate the attention, but this doesn't exactly play to my strengths. In order to recount and recapitulate, I have to count and capitulate in the first place. But it makes Ozzie happy, so I tell him the tale of how fearless Jermaine Wallace slew the mighty Iowa Hawkeyes.

Hey, in this crazy world a bear has to do what he can to get attention and cuddling. I'm not proud, just practical.

A Trip to the Bear Spa

Um ... hello! How are you? I feel like myself today, but I didn't so much yesterday. Yesterday, I had to make a trip to the bear spa. Yeah, yeah. I make a point of going every year or two. My fur isn't as white and fluffy as it used to be, so I get washed and enjoy the cleansing action of Woolite. Um ... I don't really look forward to it. Um ... in fact, I hate it. I get bopped around in the spa and I get water up my snout and it just isn't fun. And sitting around wet in the house can be really stressful. What if I don't dry quickly and get moldy! That wouldn't be very nice.

But Harriet doesn't like it when I get sniffy, so I go. And I want to set a good example for the other bears. Goofball still hasn't been washed and is pretty adamant that he never will be. Um ... I don't have the heart to tell him that mold creeps onto your body that way too. Yeah, yeah, it is a very fine line between being washed too frequently and not being washed enough.



Um ... here I am lounging in the kitchen before the big moment. Notice how calm and cool I look. I'm not shaking at all. The Wags Dog knows his duty and accepts his fate. Harriet gave me a kiss on the nose, too. That helped a lot.



When going to the spa, it is very important to wear protective clothing. It is a full contact sport. Oooh, your body can get so sore tossing and turning. The spa robe is a little restrictive. I was kind of hoping that we would get a bigger and softer spa robe when we moved to South Bend, but this is okay.

Again, notice how calm and cool I look as I wave goodbye to my bunny. Not a hint of fear or panic crosses my face.



Um ... okay ... now I am starting to panic. I hadn't seen the new spa room. It ... um ... it isn't very glamorous. I don't think Hollywood stars go to this spa. It looks like a dungeon down here. Um ... I think I am the cleanest thing down here. Um ... why did I get sent somewhere dirty to get clean? ... Hello? ... Hello! ... Can anyone hear me? ... Scared and lonely bear here. ... Hello!



Um ... I made it out of the bear spa, but I am not happy about it. I am not happy. Not one bit. I am cold and wet and worried that I might get moldy.



Oooh, my bunny George came down to sit with me while I dry. Um ... he must like me a lot. I like him, too. And now that I think about it, I kinda like sitting about the heating vent. It is blowing warm air on my tookus. Um ... am I allowed to use strong language like tookus on the blog? Um ... anyhow, the air is dry, so I don't think I will get moldy. It is verrry important to wash your bears on days when there is low humidity. Humidity is the natural enemy of teddy bears.



Um ... this is more like it. After all that stress, I needed to recover with my loyal George and Lobby. It isn't very often that I get the body pillow and bed all to myself. I guess this is the reward that a bear gets for extreme bravery.

But ... um ... I'll let you on a little secret. I now have a secret weapon against Ozzie. Yeah, yeah. I don't know whether it was the spa or the drying rack, but I am really, really staticky. I'm kind of like the empereor in Return of the Jedi. Lightning shoots from my paws! And my fur holds all type of funny shapes. But mostly, I'm going to shock Ozzie when he comes to bed.

Ooooooh, Oozzzziiiieeee! Oooooooh, Ooozzzzziiiieee! Um ... I have something to tellll youuuuuuuu!

A furry lobster

Um ... hello! Verrry exciting news from the Pacific Ocean. Scientists have discovered a furry lobster. Um ... it doesn't look very cuddly, but it definitely is furry.

Um ... I don't know what the fuss is all about. We've had a furry lobster in our house for years. Yeah, yeah. He's very friendly, too. Everyone likes Lobby (there are even t-shirts that say so).

Maybe the scientists just weren't looking hard enough.

A furry lobster on laundry
Originally uploaded by Bear in the Bed.

A Call to Bear Arms

Um ... hello! Oooh, so much has happened in the past few nights, it is hard to know where to begin. We've been surprisingly active. Shockingly active. Um ... we ousted Ozzie from the bed. Yeah, yeah, he's sleeping in the guest room now. I'm stunned. Days later and I still haven't been able to wrap my head around it. Um ... wow. I'm so stunned that I couldn't even keep the suspense through this post. I just blurted it out. Ozzie is in the guest bed and the bears are sleeping with Harriet and the body pillow.

Um ... it all started with Goofball's rabble-rousing ...

Goofball: There comes a time in the course of household events, it becomes necessary for bears to assume power over the bed to ensure equal station.

Moose: Moose!

Goofball: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all bears are created equal.

Buffy: Like that so isn't true. I mean, you'd freak if Ozzie said he could like swap you with any other bear and it would be all the same to him.

Goofball: Work with me here, I'm on a roll.

Moose: Moose!

Goofball: Bears are endowed by their person with certain unalienable rights. Among these are cleanliness!

Wagsy Um ... yeah. I'm getting a little sniffy now that you mention it.

Goofball: Cuddling!

Wagsy: Oooh, I like cuddling.

Goofball: And the pursuit of napping.

Wagsy: Oooh, it would be tough to beat napping.

Buffy: Like you just said that you like cuddling. Make up your mind already.

Wagsy: Um ... I like both napping and cuddling. Um ... if I had to choose one, I don't know what I'd do.

Goofball: You shouldn't have to choose between napping and cuddling. That is the whole point. All bears should have both napping and cuddling.

Wagsy: Ooooh, napping AND cuddling. That's verrry nice. I can't think of anything I like more than cuddling while napping, unless it's napping while cuddling.

Buffy: Like are you going to get to your point sometime in the next week? I should be sketching out the storyboard for my next photoshoot.

Goofball: I'm glad you asked. To secure these rights, persons and bears enter into a furry compact. Persons derive their rightful powers from the consent of the bears. Whenever the relationship because destructive of these ends, it is the right of the bears to alter or abolish the compact.

Moose: Moo ... moo ... ooo ... ?

Wagsy: Um ... I don't get it either.

Goofball: We aren't getting cuddling, you fur brains, so we should do something about it!

Wagsy: I say we form a committee and nap on the committee.

Gladstone: I propose that we draft a letter stating our grievances, and present the missive to Harriet for her consideration.

Goofball: That's the type of do nothing attitude I expected from you lot. You're all pathetic.

Platy: No. I'm brown. I'm round. And I'm upside down.

Buffy: Could you just tell us what you want us to do and then we could decide if we wanted to do it? Some of us have careers to manage.

Goofball: I propose that we insert ourselves into the bed tonight.

Wagsy: Um ... I like that idea. But I don't love it.

Goofball: What's wrong with that idea? What's not to love?

Wagsy: Um ... with the body pillow and Harriet and Ozzie ... um ... there isn't much room on the bed for us. We'll get thrown off or rolled upon.

Goofball: Well, we'll just have to get rid of the body pillow.

Buffy: Hello! We like gave her the body pillow. You can't give something and then take it back. That is totally rude.

Moose: Moose!

Goofball: Okay, then we'll just have to get rid of Ozzie.

Wagsy: Um ... we've been trying to do that for years and he's still here.

Platy: Ozzie took me to Washington, DC.

Wagsy: Okay, okay, I don't really want to get rid of the pillowhead. But ... um ... I don't think he'll be easy to move.

Goofball: We just gotta go about it the right way. He won't listen to us.

Wagsy: No, no, he just picks me up by my leg and casts me off the bed.

Goofball: Exactly. But he will listen to ... Harriet!

Wagsy: Good point. Um ... I still don't think I get it.

Goofball: We just need to get in the bed before Ozzie, you see. We lounge around and look all cute, and then Harriet will come in and want to cuddle with us. Harriet starts to get a little tired and so we pounce and put her right to sleep. So when Ozzie comes upstairs, he finds Harriet asleep and the bed overrun by bears. He doesn't want to wake Harriet, so he goes to sleep in the guest bed.

Gladstone: I don't often say this, but that is a brilliant idea, my good fellow. Simply smashing idea.

Moose: Moose!

Wagsy: Um ... that is crazy enough that it might just work.

Goofball: The idea isn't crazy at all! It is just sound tactics. Find your opponent's weakness and start poking the weakness with a big stick!

Wagsy: Okay, okay. I know it isn't crazy. I just watched Charles in Charge today and wanted to use the line. Um ... I think it is a good plan. Mostly because it involves cuddling. Even if Ozzie kicks us off the bed, we'll still get cuddling.

Buffy: Like you can count me in, cuz mostly it involves laying around looking cute. I have that down like a bed and breakfast comforter.

Um ... and what do you know, the plan has worked three nights in a row. Um ... I wonder how long it will last. I miss the cheesecake butt a little, but I like cuddling with Harriet a whole lot more.

A Poem for Victory

Hi there. Things have been mighty strange round these parts, and I don't know what to make of it. There are zebras everywhere, Ozzie and Harriet have been fixin up the house, and a big tube of polyster has supplanted the bears in the bed. None of these events strike me as an improvement for the bears. Sure, the zebras can be kind of cute sometimes and I suppose the new railing for the stairs is fun to slide on, but the zebras are loud, there is drywall dust everywhere, and the bed is overrun by polyester that is not me.

An even stranger change is Harriet. She's hasn't been acting like herself lately. She's always tired and has heart burn that won't quit. I'm serious, that girl pops Tums and Pepcid and Xantac like they were candy. And just between you and me, she's put on a lot of weight. No wonder she looks tired, she's carrying around an extra watermelon or two. Big watermelons.

But the strangest thing going on in the house is how everyone is treating Harriet. Normally, when she looks tired all the bears would pounce on her and make her take a nap. And sometimes we do exactly that. But most of the time, Wagsy and George and Lobby all help push Harriet out of bed in the morning. The first time I saw it, I just couldn't believe it. Here was a woman that would could easily sleep another hour and teddy bears are pushing her out?! What sort of alternate universe are we living in?

So to rectify the situation, and in honor of today's auspicious date (being March 4th), I issue a poetic call to arms to my fellow teddy bears!

March forth eager bears of polyester
Dreams of cuddling must be acted upon
Seize the prize and nap with furry flourish

The horn has been sounded (in true trochaic pentameter no less). Will the fur balls in the house listen?