Friday, November 25, 2005

Reporting Fluff Piece

So like you never know when opportunity will knock. It could like be tomorrow or it could be years and years from now. Harrison Ford was working as like a carpenter and stuff before George Lucas saw him and said, "Like, you'd look totally hot as a cowboy named Bob Falfa." Dumb name, but Harrison Ford became a mega-watt star. And you never know how opportunity will knock. I mean, you'd think it would be a simple "knock-knock", but I bet it could come in the form of a doorbell, phone call, text message, or even some random guying walking up to you on a street and saying, "Oh my god, I totally need to you to star in my low budget local TV commercial." Like my point is, you just never know, so an aardvark had better be prepared.

I've decided to be as well rounded as possible. I mean it can only help my chances of becoming a real celebrity. You know, one of those celebrities where people whisper at lunch, "Oh my god, Dustin Hoffman is sitting right over there!" and not a pseudo-celebrity where people wonder, "Wait a minute, I think that guy played a cop or something on TV once." And once you've made it, having other skills can only help you maintain your status as a celebrity. I mean Cher stunk as an actress and everyone rolled her eyes when she started making movies, but then she like won an Oscar and everyone said, "Wow, Mermaids was awesome. Like I hope she sticks with acting and doesn't put out any more lame albums like I Paralyze." But then she came up with that amazingly uplifting dance hit Believe and everyone held their noses at Tea with Mossilini. If it weren't for acting AND singing, Cher would be some random factoid in an early addition of Trivial Pursuit.

So like I have to try a bit of everything. I've tried by hand at photography and modeling and fashion guru and movie reviewing and book reviewing and TV reviews and clothing designer and even being a hanger on. I've been a busy aardvark this past year. I take professional development way seriously. Oprah may have more going on, but she's had more years to practice. I'm completely prepped to manage my aardvark media empire.

But ya know, there are still areas where I'm just not prepared. I haven't appeared in any artsy indie-flick. My generic over-produced demo hasn't been recorded. And like, I'm not sure they ever will. The Bend is a little quiet, you know what I'm saying. I mean, I love our pad here and my family is here, so like I'm happy, but it would be hard to launch an acting or music career here. But one thing I think I could do to build a portfolio is news reporting. Oh my god, I've watched the local TV here and it is really not that hard. I'd have to bite my tongue when the make up lady gave me really horrendous bangs, but I could totally stand in front of Notre Dame stadium and smile into the camera while looking cold. And I could totally use the local experience to vault into national attention. Like Insult the Dog Comic started out doing little kids parties before Conan O'Brien discovered him. And I've got WAAAY more talent than Insult. For starters, he's just a sock puppet and not a very attractive one at that. I'm a gorgeous aardvark, who do you think late night TV veiwers would prefer to watch? And like he has just one schtick. I mean you know he will be rude to the person he is interviewing and then say he'll poop on some random object. Is this entertaining? I think not. I could totally mix it up and keep the audience guessing what will come next. One day I'll be a younger Joan Rivers and the next day I'll come at the guest like Mike Wallace. But like I have to start somewhere and get some practice so one of the local stations will see that I'm hot stuff and offer me a gig.

So like I decided to do one of those holiday fluff pieces ...

Buffy: So like I'm standing here on the edge of the bed on Thanksgiving. The house is really quiet cuz Harriet and Ozzie are off in the boondocks eating turkey and stuff, so the bears are all alone. So this is like the perfect chance to find out how the bears really feel about pressing issues. Excuse me, sir?

Wagsy: Um ... oh, hi Buffy! How are you?

Buffy: Oh my god, like this is the problem with being a local celebrity. Everyone already knows me so like I can't catch them off guard. I'd like to interview you for local television, sir. You will like totally end up on the 6 o'clock news.

Wagsy: Um ... okay, I suppose. Um ... is Amelia holding a video camera? Hi, Amelia!

Buffy: Yeah. Like what did you think I would record you with, this pencil? As if. Okay, so like here is the question ... "What are you thankful for this year?"

Wagsy: Um ... that is a really good question, Buffy.

Buffy: Thanks. Did you notice how I like paused for dramatic effect. I think it makes me look totally serious.

Wagsy: Yeah, yeah. I did notice that. You did a very nice job. Um ... I'm thankful for my bunny George. Not a lot of bears have their very own bunny and I'm glad that I do.

Buffy: Thank you, sir, it is refreshing to hear someone endorse sweatshop labor in a public forum -- especially on a holiday like Thanksgiving. Next --

Wagsy: Um ... that is not what I said at all. I just love my bunny. There is nothing wrong with saying that.

Buffy: We'll let the court of public opinion be the judge of that, sir. Let's try to get a broader range of opinion. You there, sir. Hello? Like I'm trying to talk to you.

Goofball: Yeah, whatchya want, Buffy.

Buffy: I'd like you to answer a totally important current events question.

Goofball: No sweat, Buffy. Hey, is Amelia carrying a video camera? Where did she get the fly technology?

Buffy: Like what is up with you people? Haven't you ever seen an armadillo with a camera strapped to her back?

Goofball: Now that you mention it, no I haven't seen an armadillo with a camera strapped to her back before. Any more questions? That one was easy.

Buffy: Okay, like what are you thankful for this year.

Goofball: You know, it's been a good yearr for me and I have a lot to be thankful for. I got a lot of cuddling. I met some nice new bears. I saw a picture of a penguin wearing a hat and mowing a lawn. But when it comes down to it, I'm grateful that I have a roof over my head and lots of good friends to hang with -- like you Buffy.

Buffy: Oh my god, that was like the most insightful interview I've ever done. I totally rock. Did you get that on tape, Amelia?

Amelia: Yes.

Buffy: Do I look good in this light? How is my hair? Does my tail look too big?

Amelia: You look very nice, Buffy.

Buffy: Thanks, Amelia. I really appreciate you helping me out with this. Howya holding up? You good to do one or two more interviews?

Amelia: I think so, but they better be short. This camera is heavy.

Buffy: You're a down chick, Amelia. I owe you one. Actually I owe you a lot more than one. You're always there for me. Like, I have no idea where I'd be without you. I'd prob--

Amelia: Buffy, we're still rolling tape and I'm getting tired.

Buffy: My bad. I'll get back on it. Excuse me, sir? Would you mind like sharing your opinion with the world?

Duck: Quack quack.

Buffy: Groovy. So like, Mr. Duck, what are you most thankful for this year?

Duck: Quack quaCK Quack quack quack. QuACK quack quack. Quack QUACK quack quack QUAck QUACK. QUACK quack quack QUack quack quACK. Quack quack quack.

Buffy: I think Mr. Duck just summed up everyone's feelings about the season. At least I think he did. I mean like he's a duck and stuff so like he's hard to understand. Whatever. This is Buffy on the corner of the bed wishing you an Aardvark Fabulous Thanksgiving.

Okay, so like that didn't quite go as planned and was a little rough around the edges. There is a reason why I'm practicing people. Like, do you think Barbara Walters started out being Barbara Walters? I don't think so. Interviewing people is a little harder than I thought it would be, but like I totally have faith in myself. If I keep working at it, I'll be Dan Rather only young and good looking.


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