Monday, March 28, 2005

Goings on

Um ... hello. Sorry that we haven't been posting lately, but we've been very busy. A lot of people think that teddy bears don't have busy social calendars, but it just isn't true. Our daily schedules usually look a little like this ...

7:00 a.m. Wake up and sabotage the alarm clock (pushing it back half an hour)

7:30 Pounce on Harriet, so she doesn't get out of bed and we get more cuddling.

8:00 We start to feel guilty about keeping Harriet in bed, so we push her out to take a shower.

8:30 Look cute and try to lure Harriet back into bed to cuddle.

8:45 Tell Harriet that she needs to go to work so we can have cable television.

9:00 No, really ... you do need to go to work, Harriet. We then get Ozzie to drag her into the car.

9:30 After all that activity, we generally need a nap.

11:00 Bear flex time. I generally practice looking furry. Buffy grooms herself. Pudgie reads. Goofball stops to smell the roses. Lobby spars with Moose. Platy ... um, I'm not sure what he does. He just kind of disappears for a while.

12:00 Ooh ... flex time can be very tiring, so it is time for another nap.

1:00pm Post-naptime seminars. Oooh, these can be very fun. Past titles have included:

The Ten Habits of Highly Furry Bears

Preservation and Maintenance: See the Wool-lite

Dare to Stare: What's so wrong with watching the paint dry?

Advances in Napping Theory

Teddy Bear Couture: Like Fur's so Hot in 2000

How to Stay Plump in January

All New Fibers vs. Old Time Bears

Pillowhead or Cheesecake Butt? Adjectival References to Ozzie

Yeah, yeah. I don't what we will discuss next. We don't publish in journals or anything, but we take professional development very seriously.

2:00 Teddy bear roundtable. The bears meet to discuss the issues of the day. The agenda changes, so it is hard to characterize. Gladstone often reports on the bear bank finances. Lately we've been discussing our tactics in pushing for household voting rights. These meetings can difficult to orchestrate. When you have stuffin' for brains, it is difficult to concentrate on anything for very long. Usually the meeting ends when someone moves for a roll call vote and we realize that we can't find Platy. So we have to go look for him.

3:00 Um, two hours without a nap is two hours too many.

4:00 Oprah. Yes, we watch Oprah. When you wear a plaid pastel bowtie and you are white and furry, you don't need to look macho. Maybe we'd watch something else if we had cable, but we don't. Most of the television during the day isn't very nice. Most talk shows have a lot of yelling. The people on soap operas jump into bed with anyone. I suppose there are some bears like that too, but it just isn't the same thing at all. Um ... I'm uncomfortable, so I'm going to move on now.

5:00 The news comes on, so we turn off the TV. Ooh! A lot of bad things happen in the world and we just don't want to hear about them. Ozzie and Harriet will be home soon, so we all have to conserve our energy and take a nap.

6:00 Wake up from the nap and work at getting furry and comfy. Harriet likes it when we are soft and cuddly. Like Gladstone always says, "An ounce of preparation is worth a bottle of fabric softener."

6:30 Welcome home Ozzie and Harriet. Ooh, this is a good time of day. Harriet is usually feeling very cuddly. Sometimes Ozzie makes dinner and Harriet watches King of the Hill or reads a magazine. Yeah. Very high quality cuddling.

7:30 People flex time. Ozzie and Harriet do different things like eat dinner or talk to people or work. Sometime we nap during that period or sometimes we go our separate ways and enjoy more flex time. It really depends. So many decisions we have to make. It is enough to make a bear tired.

10:00 Pre-bedtime cuddling. Reading a book is always better with a bear.

11:00 Bed time. After a very busy and tiring day, the bears are ready for a lot of sleep. It is a shame that Harriet doesn't always sleep through the night.


So, you see, teddy bears are very active throughout the day. It is hard to find time to blog. It was even more difficult this past week, because we have been busy training baby bears. Yeah, yeah. Um ... Ozzie and Harriet know people with new babies, and the babies need bears, and the bears need to be properly trained. It might be the most important job we perform all year. We'll be posting all about it over the next couple of weeks. So stay tuned.

Ooh! That was a long post. I think it calls for a nap.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Cinderella has entered the building

Ozzie is back in town, and he promptly plopped himself down in front of the television for four days of basketball watching. I knew there was a reason I liked that man. Plenty of couch sittin' and commercial watchin' to go 'round.

Normally, I don't pay much attention to the games. If I'm going to be watching 10 hours of commercials, I have to rest my eyes at some point. But this year was different cuz most of the games were exciting. I mean who wouldn't want to watch Bucknell beat up on bad old Kansas? I'm not entirely sure what a Catamount is, but I sure was pulling for Vermont to defeat Syrcause. For the next week, UW-Milwaukee is my favorite school.

The one thing I don't understand is why the coaches get so worked up and start jumping around and yelling and behaving like a chicken with its head cut off. The coach isn't playing, so what good is all the arm flapping? The players are trying to impress NBA scouts and bring childhood dreams of a national title to fruition, so they're playing hard. Even if players were loafing, the arenas have 15,000 screaming fans, what difference does one coach make in the energy boostin' department?

Now, if I were coaching a basketball game, I would just sit on the bench looking cool and calm. Let the players think I'm in control (even though I don't know the first thing about basketball). Say, "Chill, baby. This ain't nothing you haven't done 75,000 times before." Working through that triple negative will get them to relax and reflect and ignore the crowd noise. Use a double negative and the players will just think coach Goofball is ignorant. Use a triple negative and they know I'm playing mind games with them and that we're gonna win. Let the assistants run the players through drills and draw up X's and O's -- the Goofball's job is to look composed and in charge of the ensuing drama.

Unfortunately, the commercials didn't quite match the drama of the basketball games. I like the taste loss ads. Now, I don't drink beer or even have taste buds, but the Goofball can appreciate finely tuned satire of pharmaceutical ads. "Didn't the government eliminate taste loss in the 1950s?" Ain't nothing better than a high concept faithfully executed. The rest of the ads? Blah. The most disturbing ad is that freak wearing a bear suit talking about salmon spawning. Dude is giving bears a bad name. He's not cuddly; he's just fat and bloated. He's not clever; he's smug and annoying. The only virtue that actor in the bear suit possesses is that he was probably cheap to hire. Well, if they wanted cheap, they shoulda hired me. I'd be in a commercial for free, as long as it wasn't degrading towards bears or women or the Chinese factories that make teddy bears. And I wouldn't want to get dirty, because then I'd have to take a bath. I wouldn't demand a trailer either, a director's chair would suffice. A director's chair with my name on the back of it would be pretty sweet, actually. Forget acting, I should direct the commercials. Directing is a lot like coaching basketball: just sit back and say, "Chill, baby. This ain't nothing you haven't done 75,000 times before."

Only problem is that I'm not sure actors are smart enough to work through the triple negative.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Witness Protection Program

Um ... hello. Long time readers of Furry Thoughts for Fuzzy Times (aka Bear in the Bed Blog) will have noticed that our people are now named Ozzie and Harriet. New readers of the blog won't notice a thing. So, all you new readers out there, nothing has changed. Everything is normal. The bears are very happy with Ozzie and Harriet and there is no reason to make further inquiries.

Um ... the change was made because people are starting to read the blog. Ooh, it is very exciting, but a little scary at the same time. You see, bears are friendly, but a little shy. We want to make people happy, but we don't always like meeting new people. Um ... it's kind of like being trapped between a rock and a soft place.

So, we bears had a meeting to decide what to do with the new set of readers. Goofball motioned to welcome the readers and that motion was seconded. But Gundy made another motion to make the site subscription only and that motion was also seconded. Um ... bears aren't very good at holding meetings. We like to make people happy and don't have any strong opinions, so whenever someone proposes something, we all support it. Sometimes, it gets very confusing. Platy made three proposals. We then voted and passed each one declaring Platy brown, round, and upside down. At this point we kinda forgot why we were meeting and decided to hold a staring contest.

Um, eventually my bunny, George, proposed that we use pseudonyms for our people, like gangsters in the witness protection program. We all thought this was an excellent compromise. Gladstone declared it the Bunny Compromise. Goofball said that was a lame name and Gladstone told Goofball to come up with a better one. While Goofball thought about it, the rest of us voted to live with Ozzie and Harriet, because they seemed like such a happy family. We definitely did not want to like with Ralph and Alice Cramden -- that man is just not very furry.

So we're living with Ozzie and Harriet. There is no cause for alarm, we have not been abducted, and nothing to see other than bears in their natural habitat ... the bed.

Ooh, I should take this opportunity to show a picture of my bunny, George.



Um ... I think he might be in the CIA or something. He won't say either way, but I figured we should protect his identity just in case. He knows a lot about spying and I hear rabbit ears can pick up TV signals.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Quack, Quack

Quack quack. Quack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack, quACK quack QUACK.

Quack quack quack Quack quack. Quack, QUack quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack Quack quack quack quack. Quack. Quack quack? Quack quack quACK!

Quack, quack quack QUACK quACK. Quack quack quack quack; quack quack quack. Quack quack quack quack. QUAck quack quack.

Quack.

Quack. Quack.

The finish line has been crossed

I would have written sooner, but I was too exhausted from that final push. The literature on trade economics is far more complicated now than it was when I assisted with Stephen's research. Old bears can learn new tricks, but spatial diffusion models are a lot of work for a bear whose "all new fibers" stopped being new quite some time ago.

Accomplishing a goal with dignity is not always possible in life. There are times where merely completing the race is all that can be expected and should be celebrated. For instance, an occupational hazard for teddy bears is being thrown from the bed unceremoniously. The goal is to stay on the bed throughout the evening. The other night, the bunny was stuck at the bottom of the bed trapped next to not-so-fresh feet. Unpleasant? Perhaps, but at bottom, the bunny was successful in remaining on the bed. I feel dissertations are one of these "just finish" moments. While I am slightly dismayed that both Ozzie and Harriet were working up until the last weekend, I am immensely proud of both of them.

Monday, March 14, 2005

D-Day

Woof! There it is. Woof! There it is.

Um ... today was a good day for the bears. Today Ozzie and Harriet submitted their dissertations. Oooh, it was a struggle. But the bears banded together and got the dissertations done.

Some people might think that the bears couldn't be of much assistance in writing long documents, but it just isn't true. We can be a big help. Yeah, yeah. For instance ...

Pudgie made sure that Harriet cited the important international trade literature. His references were a little dated, though. I'm not sure he has read much about tariffs and trade since the 1980s. But it was a start.

My bunny, George, scoped out the house and made sure that Harriet had no distractions. He also protected against would be burglars.

Buffy laid out Harriet's outfits, so she wouldn't have to worry about what to wear to the office.

Squawky flew to New Haven with Ozzie to submit the documents. He's an Eagle, you know. They like flying. The rest of the bears aren't so keen on flying, since we're usually put into a suitcase and smooshed. Squawky is pretty small and flexible, so he's always up for travelling.

Goofball offered to type for Harriet, but she declined. Instead, he wrote a limerick:

There once was a young girl from Dallas
Whose typing fingers were calloused
She tried all her might
and worked through the night
applying econometrika principallus


Um ... Pudgie pointed out that Goofball's Latin wasn't very good, but Goofball said he couldn't think of a word that rhymed with Dallas and belonged in a teddy bear's limerick, and he wasn't going to lose the "calloused" line. Pudgie agreed the second line was very good.

Amelia and Duck made sure that the pillows were nice and fluffy at night for Harriet. They thought about cleaning the floor, but I don't think they liked the idea of getting too close to Mop 'N Glo. Those two words put together are fearsome for bears. I can't think of anything that would be more disturbing than seeing a glow in the dark teddy bear being used as a mop. Ooh! Just the thought of it makes my fur stand on end.

And, me? Um, well, ... I ..., um, what did I do? Did I do anything?

(whisper)

Ooh! Yeah! Yeah! I helped to direct all the activities. Solid management is very important to big endeavors like dissertation writing.

And we all made sure to cuddle with Harriet and make sure that she wasn't lonely with Ozzie in New Haven. So, um, I'd say we did our part.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Ask Professor Pudge Bear

I apologize for not posting more frequently. I have been very busy assisting Ozzie and Harriet with dissertation writing. I cannot fathom how seven years of study has come down to one final week in which to submit dissertations, but both of them have managed the feat. Sigh. Thankfully, I believe both of them will manage to turn in something worthwhile on Monday, but it has been a long and hard haul for this old bear.

The only reason I have time to blog is that Ozzie is in New Haven and Harriet is asleep. I thought I would take this opportunity to answer some of the e-mail that has accumulated over the past few weeks.


From: Angelfire Princess

Dear Fuzzy Thoughts for Furry Times,

Your site is very cute. I especially like Goofball. He's cute and funny. I wish my boyfriend could write such excellent haikus. Instead, all he sends me are notes like,

Wanna french kiss after school behind the parking lot?

Yes ____ No ____ (Check One).

Why can't more boys be like Goofball?


Thank you for the kind words, Ms. Princess. I agree with your assessment of Goofball. He possesses a raffish charisma that is quite agreeable. Goofball's genial ramblings are coquettish, yet entirely gentlemanly and endearing. I fear that no person best described as a "boy" could approximate his charm. You are well advised to avoid dating until age 25 (and even then, you should be particular in whom you date).


From: Fosters Drinker

Teddy bears are for losers. Get stuffed.


While I might derive some reptilian pleasure from a ribald exchange of insults, I fear that Mr. Drinker would prove no challenge for a maladroit, pathologically shy third grader speaking in a second language. Teddy bears are a subset of stuffed animals. By definition, we have been stuffed. One of the many problems with the internet is that the hoi polloi are given free reign.


From: Josh Marshall

Dear Professor Pudge Bear,

Do you have any thoughts on the proposed plans to reform Social Security?



While I do personally have thoughts on the privatization of Social Security, my views on the subject are qua economist rather than qua teddy bear. Furry Thoughts for Fuzzy Times is not the proper venue for airing my views since the blog is dedicated to the teddy bear perspective. Teddy bears have few needs, wants, and interact with the public world in limited capacities. If teddy bears have a unique perspective on Social Security, it is that people should generally be cared for. Whether the source of income stems from private accounts or a "pay as you go" plan is not something a teddy bear qua teddy bear would care much about.

Thank you very much for your attention. Please feel free to email me questions using the "Email Us" link on the left. I will try to respond in a timely fashion. The dissertations will be finished on Monday, so my life will resume its stately pace.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Aardvark glamor shots

Okay, so I found this really amazing photographer. He's like really talented and spends a lot of time making sure that I look fabulous in every shot. He listens to my needs and keeps chocolate covered ants around for when I get the munchies between sittings. I'm trying to build up a modeling portfolio, so that I can snag modeling gigs. I might seem kinda flighty, but I'm really commited to stardom and fame (I don't need fortune, because like I'm totally not materialistic -- how shallow do you think I am?). I know I need to pay my dues and work my way up the celebrity foodchain. So, like I'll start modeling around South Bend at the RV show or something. Like, who wouldn't want to buy an RV when an attractive aardvark is modeling next to it? Aardvarks scream unique, but sensible. Perfect for middle America, don'tcha think?

So, like here are two of my favorite pictures. I think I look totally hot.


Don't I look, like so bored with the world? The urbane aardvark.
The self-referential t-shirt shot. I haven't seen Paris Hilton do this yet. I've totally beaten her to the punch.


Doesn't the t-shirt totally fit me perfectly? I thought Ozzie had it like tailor-made for me, but no. Apparently, I am exactly the size of a large dog. Who knew? People must not dress really big dogs or something. Bizarro! I mean, people will like take pictures of dogs playing poker, but won't dress them up in an aardvark fabulous t-shirt. I think a St. Bernard would look cute in an t-shirt with my face on it. People are wicked strange.

How did you like my use of the word "wicked?" I saw Good Will Hunting the other night on DVD, and I thought the word wicked was wicked cool. So, like I'm adopting it as part of the aardvark vernacular.

Like, now that I know a store with clothes that fit me perfectly, I'm totally gonna abuse Ozzie's credit card. I've never worn clothes before, cuz like aardvarks don't really need to. But I've always been way into accessories. A t-shirt is just one more accessory, but one with my face on it, so it is awesome. I love it!

*sigh* Don't I look gorgeous in these pictures? These photos are wicked.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

When will democracy come to the bears?

Um ... hello. Ozzie has been working from the bed lately. We like having the company, but he's a little boring, to be honest. He spends a lot of time typing or reading or surfing the web or playing spider solitaire. We try to encourage him to nap, but he seems impervious to the siren call of the teddy bears. Instead, we watch Ozzie's every move very intently. Teddy bears excel at staring.

Um, anyway, we've been reading a lot about the Middle East. Ooh! It's all so very complicated. Bears like simple relationships and I don't think there is any relationship in the Middle East that is simple. We wouldn't like the sand or the suicide bombers very much either. I think we'll stay in the bed and away from the Middle East for now.

But, I was thinking, and I know I only have stuffing for brains, but if the Iraqis can vote, and the Palestinians can vote, and the Egyptians will vote, and the Saudis voted in local elections, and the Lebanonese might have a meaningful vote again, why don't the bears have a vote in how the household is run?

I mean, we're part of the family. We're an important group of people with our own wants and needs. Why don't we have a vote? I suppose we don't care about how the kitchen operates, as long as we don't have to go in it. But what about the bed room or the bear room? We should get a say. And we out number Harriet and Ozzie, so we would win. Oooh, silk sheets would finally arrive.

Maybe the bears should stage a protest until we get a vote. Ooh! It could be fun coming up with slogans and posters.

"No relaxation without representation!"

"Vote Counts for Cuddling!"

"We're polyester not Pollyannas!"

Um, I think I feel a new dynamic force taking over the bedroom.

Who the heck is Oscar anyway?

Goofball here. I watched a bit of the Oscars Sunday night. To be honest, I was bored and kept flipping around to other stations or kind of zoning out and staring at the ceiling, waiting for the commercials. You'd think that a program with a lot of sexy women all dolled-up would appeal to me (and I thought soo, too, which is why I tuned in), but talk about a snooze-fest. There weren't even any bad dresses -- where's Bjork when you need her? Here are my thoughts about the Oscars in no particular order:

What did they do to Chris Rock? I felt like Charleton Heston in Planet of the Apes when he finds his fellow astronaut. "You've chopped his brain out! You mad men!" The closest he got to being funny was the firing George Bush spiel. But Goofball could make that joke in his sleep: "Notre Dame wouldn't renew Ozzie's contract if his research account was $9 billion in the red and he physically assaulted a methodologist for suggesting experiments were a biased means of inference -- only the dude made no such claim." See, I don't even know what I'm talking about and I can make the joke. Paint by numbers, baby.

So Hilary Swank is up against: a cute woman speaking in subtitles; an old lady; Annette Bening straining to maintain a consistent accent; and, the gorgeous Kate Winslet in a blah role. Hilary Swank's role? A plucky, uneducated female boxer with a can-do attitude and a tear jerking ending. Who do you think will win? Could it be the woman who has won the award in about eight other ceremonies already? Hard to believe. Now Hilary Swank has two Oscars. Anyone watching her play Carly Reynolds at the end of 90210 in 1997 would be shocked at this turn of events. Shocked! Do you think Jason Priestly and Luke Perry feel a little like Peter Scolari right now? Maybe they should form a support group or something. Art Garfunkel could moderate it. [I don't think the bears will be bitter when Buffy makes it big -- we'll just be proud and shout "That's my aardvark! Bears in the bed! We knew her back when!"]

Sean Penn has no sense of humor, but I guess that was obvious when he married Madonna and then objected to media exposure -- that woman's career is all about exposure. Goofball would never beat up a photographer. How else would people know how cute I am?

About the only good thing I can say about the evening was that I got to sit on the couch and watch commercials. Really, it is hard to spoil an evening where the feature presentation is couch sitting and commercial watching. But the Oscars tried. Oh, did they try. "I would like to spank the Academy." Maybe not, but "spank" rhymes with "thank," so there you go. Paint by numbers, baby.